The Daily Friday: Monday 2/26

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Shane Gillis crushes is his SNL return, 5 years after being fired. This gambling sketch is an all-timer and I can’t believe this was cut. 

2. Reddit announces IPO offering and reveals they paid their CEO $193 million while insisting online moderators continue to make $0. We could have a reverse Dumb Money on our hands.

3. Tyler Perry pauses $800 million studio expansion after seeing OpenAI‘s Soro expansion. If I have to wait another year for a new Madea installment, I’m gonna be furious.

4. AT&T offers customers a $5 credit after major outage last week. Thank you AT&T, now I can buy 1/3 of a sandwich for lunch today 🙏🏻

5. Flaco the NYC owl has died. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

RIP TO FLACO THE OWL

Friday was a sad day for anyone who has a goddam soul, as Flaco, New York’s most beloved owl, was found dead on the sidewalk after flying into a skyscraper on the Upper West Side.

His tragic demise comes one year after he escaped from the Central Park Zoo and captured the hearts and minds of the world as he was able to survive in the wild after spending his entire life in captivity.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Flaco lived the first 13 years of his life in captivity at the Central Park Zoo, until someone cut his mesh enclosure in February. Like that hot chick from Tangled climbing down from her tower, Flaco flew free and never looked back.

• Flaco proved the haters who thought he couldn’t survive outside of a zoo wrong, thriving in Central Park off a steady diet of rats and mice for months. As someone who was also raised in captivity (the suburbs) I’m pretty sure I would have zero chance of surviving in the wild. Respect.

• Since escaping, Flaco has been trying like crazy to get laid, hooting his way up and down Central Park with no success. One expert states:“Flaco's hoots have gone unanswered for a long time now. He is unaware that no mates are anywhere in the region.” Dude is firing off late night Snaps and getting left on read. Been there.

• Last November, Flaco gave up on love in the Upper East side, and tried his chances in the East Village. However he soon discovered, like many young men before him, that people in the East Village are looking for many things (drugs, someone to pay their rent, more drugs) but a long term relationship is not one of them.

• He moved back uptown and before his untimely death, was keeping himself afloat and in good physical condition. Memorials have popped up in Central Park as everyone in the city mourns the death of the owl who wanted to be free.

  I genuinely wouldn’t be surprised if this becomes a Pixar movie one day. He deserves it.

NFL: The real winner of the fight between Cam Newton and 4 random dudes who jumped him at his 7v7 tournament? His hat, which somehow stayed on the entire time.

NCCAB: Wake fans storm the court after beating Duke, and injure Duke star Kyle Filipowski in the process. Please don’t ruin court storming guys. There’s not a lot of fun stuff left in the world.

Thank you ESPN for this graphic. Well said.

NHL: Massive fight in the Rangers-Flyers game Saturday. It’s still crazy they can just do this at their jobs. Maybe I should dust off the resume and apply to play for the Rangers (lmk if you guys have any connections.)

MLB: Blue Jays reliever came in last in his team’s fantasy football league, and had to be the bat boy for the day. Still had it easier than this guy.

A-Rod went with a reverse Sammy Sosa. Good for him.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

KFC releases chicken pizza item “Chizza,” which is cool but will never touch the greatness of the Double Down. The first time I bit into that, I saw God.

It simply does not get more electric than American Ice Football. Fuck Pickleball, this is the new sport of the future.

Florida Man Games take place over the weekend, as men in jeans and tank tops compete in activities like evading police, wrestling over beer, and reptile wrangling. Nice try, but until there’s meth and nudity involved, it’s a total fraud.

Joe Biden reportedly told staffers that the secret to his marriage was ‘good sex.’ Nice little visual for you on this Monday morning.

MONDAY MOVE

This changes everything, to be honest. American ingenuity at its finest.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• There’s a new Avatar remake on Netflix, which is better than M. Night Shamalyan’s version, but not by much.

• Alex Trebek tells hilarious story about how people used to think he was black and honestly, I do kind of see it.

• Some good news on a Monday: a Blue Mountain State sequel series is coming, which means more Thad Castle. Finally.

• In adult life, we only have one choice: what to worship.

• Read this on your lunch break: What Really Happened to Baby Christina.