The Daily Friday: Monday 3/11

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. It’s been 4 years since COVID-19 was declared a pandemic. Can we have another one soon, but just for 2 weeks? I need a break from life.

2. Princess Kate issues apology for submitting altered photo, saying ‘I do occasionally experiment with editing.’ Graphic design is her passion, there’s nothing wrong with that.

3. Pentagon study finds no evidence of alien life in UFO sightings going back decades. Sureeee. If there are no aliens, then who did I just wire 11 grand to for a seat on the next spaceship? Exactly.

4. US evacuates embassy in Haiti amid escalating violence between government and violent gangs led by a man called ‘Barbecue,’ known for setting his victims on fire. Well that’s scary as fuck.

5. The Oscars were last night and no one got slapped, but a few people should have. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

MY AWARDS FOR THE ACADEMY AWARDS

Last night, we finally celebrated rich, famous hot actors for being rich, famous and hot. They deserve it.

Oppenheimer led the way with 7 Awards, Emma Stone took home Best Actress, and the Godzilla franchise was finally recognized for being the shit. Very cool, very talented, great job, such artists, wow you’re awesome, etc.

The full list of winners is here, but for now, let’s talk about the actual interesting stuff: what went down at the award show itself.

• Most Insane Way to Announce a Best Picture Winner: Al Pacino. Honestly, this was more insane than the 2017 envelope fiasco. What is bro doing?

• Best Description of Field of Dreams: John Mulaney. I would actually support him hosting next year and just describing all the movies he wish won instead.

• Best Sting Performance of All Time: Ryan Gosling’s bandmate rocked in the live performance of ‘I’m Just Ken.’ No notes, just a little pissed that song is stuck in my head again. Finally thought I’d gotten it out.

• Most Impressive Penis Control: John Cena. I can’t believe he didn’t pop a fear boner in this moment. A better man than I am.

• Best Legitimately Good Acceptance Speech: Christopher Nolan. Kinda wild that movies have only been around for 100 years and are this good. Shit is gonna be insane in like 20 years, assuming the world doesn’t explode first.

• Awooga Award for Achievements in Hummina Hummina Hummina: Margot Robbie.

• Most Non-Dress Dress: Emily Ratajkowski. She looks good. No doubt about that. This is simply not a dress though.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

When the winter comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

NFL: Pittsburgh signs Russell Wilson to 1 year, $1.2 million deal. Steelers fans: time to delete all those Futures songs off your phones right now.

Baker gets a massive raise, Chris Jones becomes the highest paid defensive tackle in the league, and Mac Jones will be holding a clipboard for Trevor Lawrence in Jacksonville. Dreams do come true.

NBA: This fan looks more like Steve Kerr than Steve Kerr does.

I don’t care that he got ejected, the Pistons fan that repeatedly told GM Troy Weaver ‘you suck at your job’ while being thrown out won the argument. Facts don’t care about your feelings.

Lebron may have 40k career points, but he is still getting the silent treatment from Savannah after this display Friday night.

NCAAB: South Carolina’s women’s team keeps their perfect season alive with a chaotic win over LSU that involved a bench clearing brawl and 6 ejections. I am all the way in on women’s basketball this year.

Congratulations to Kyle Filipowski for making a full recovery from his debilitating leg injury. The world needed more Duke villains.

It’s conference tournament week and time to lock in and figure out your strategy for watching the games at the office. You need to be at peak performance when March Madness starts in 2 weeks. We sleep in May.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Doja Cat is leaving Instagram to focus on her mental health, which is confusing for me. Instagram is the only thing that gives me mental health.

Madonna is absolutely correct: being in a wheelchair is no excuse for not standing up at one of her concerts. Shame on this fan.

Is anyone here a dog lawyer? A man was found in his home with his penis fully bit off and the cops are trying to pin it on his terrier. Free my dawg.

MONDAY MOVE

Another masterful voiceover from Bobby. This one opened my mind to what was possible in the world of moves. The perfect way to dive into the night and make lifelong friends across all walks of life.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Jack Black’s rendition of ‘Baby One More Time’ is exactly the mood booster you need to get through another Monday.

• My new favorite work playlist: Lo-fi Succession beats to betray your family to.

• Can Draymond Green find peace? Probably.

• As if it wasn’t insane enough already, Alabama Senator Katie Britt fully lied in her response video to Biden’s State of the Union speech.

• Read this on your lunch break: Behind F1’s velvet curtain.

• Solid breakdown here on the 4 new members added to the OpenAI board. Something fishy’s going on here.