The Daily Friday: Monday 3/18

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Putin wins Russia’s election, somehow fending off a crowded field of competitors that either got disqualified or died in prison under mysterious circumstances. Congrats bro, idk how you did it.

2. Bruno Mars allegedly has $50 million gambling debt to MGM Casino. He’s going to be in a residency for the rest of his life, might as well toss it all on red tonight. He’s due for a win.

3. Royal Family conspiracy theories rage on, with announcement expected from Palace soon. I haven’t cared this much about British stuff since I made Harry Potter my entire personality in 2006.

4. Uber and Lyft leave Minneapolis due to dispute with city council. As someone who also can’t use those apps (lifetime ban for asking the drivers how their night’s going too many times,) I get it.

5. The brackets are finally out and it’s time for the best time of the sports season: March Madness. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

THIS. IS. MARCH.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. After an action packed conference tournament week and a controversial Selection Sunday, we’ve finally got our brackets.

Play-in games start on Tuesday and we’ve got a whole week of games ahead of us.

Until then, LET’S BREAK DOWN THE TOP STORYLINES.

THE FAVORITES

• Connecticut scores the top overall seed and looks to become the first repeat title winner since Florida in 2007. Does that mean this year’s UConn class will also have an Olympic swimmer/reality star, a murderer, a professional circumciser and Instagram’s biggest douchebag? Hope so.

• Praying that Purdue finally makes it back to the Final Four for the first time since 1980. It’d be nice if Zach Edey goes out on top before spending his career in China.

THE CINDERELLAS

• America’s sweetheart DJ Burns and his NC State crew win the ACC championship in the most absurd ending I’ve seen in a long time. The big fella is what March is about.

• Shoutout to Howard’s Seth Towns, who makes the tournament in his 8th year of college hoops. Fuck it, stay for 8 more years. The real world sucks.

• Watch out for Long Beach State, a sneaky 15 seed that won their conference 5 days after their coach was told he wouldn’t be back next season. Spite is a very powerful weapon.

SNUBS

• The Big East have legitimate beef, as just 3 teams make the tournament. Luckily, Rick Pitino isn’t chafed at all. 

• I’m most bummed that we won’t see Cream Abdul Jabbar and his Indiana State crew. At least you can buy his t-shirt here.

Do you want to make $27k this year? Then join Glue Guy and Dr. Locks’ survivor pool. If I win, I’m donating my earnings to Bruno Mars. I gotchu bro.

NBA: Shame on the Magic for deleting this tweet. All time jersey swap.

Jalen Brunson iced the game for the Knicks over Sacramento with a legit Loony-Tunes move. Can’t believe this worked.

I could watch this Kyrie Irving left-handed game winner for hours. Pure.

NFL: Steelers trade for Justin Fields. Him and Russ are gonna set records 🙏🏻

Aaron Donald retires after 10 years, 8 All-Pros, and a career defining Super Bowl sack. 🐐🐐🐐🐐

Coming to the end of a wild free agency and somehow Carson Wentz remains unsigned. Track it all here.

GOLF: No, Max Homa did not nearly decapitate someone with a golf shot. That would’ve been kinda sick though, not gonna lie.

If I’m Wyndham Clark, I’m never picking up a golf club again. Brutal.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Love this dude who got drunk and fell asleep mid-hog-crank at the theaters. Hoping this becomes a Minions type trend and we can all join in. That’d be sick.

Sorry to this Houston bank, but if a group of ‘little rascals’ can rob you, you don’t deserve the money. These kids are gonna buy so many Fortnite skins.

Respect to this family of 6 sisters that have lived to a combined 570. I can’t wait to scam them over Facebook messenger and create generational wealth.

MONDAY MOVE

An elite move. Nothing makes you feel like more of a grownup than eating a Happy Meal off of a chipped plate that you bought at Target for $2.

This is a perfect video except for one thing: putting ketchup in a glass is one of the more psychotic things I’ve seen. Can’t even wrap my head around this.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This video of Matt Damon going off on an interviewer and defending teachers is extremely satisfying. How you like them apples?

• After seeing the actual security footage, this Tik-Toker who claimed she was ‘thrown down a flight of stairs’ at a bar is going to get sued to the stone age. As she should.

• Read this on your lunch break: I lost my life in 2006.

• Where are my Traitors fans at? Season 2 featured the GOAT reality show cast of all time, and here’s who should be on Season 3.

• Fuck it, Yankees-Red Sox brawl compilation. Just because it’s Monday.