The Daily Friday: Monday 3/25

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Boeing CEO step downs amid ongoing manufacturing issues and I’m jealous. Make a mess, have someone else clean it up, and pocket $60 mil? The dream.

2. Trump’s deadline to pay $454 million bond in fraud case is today. He just needs to win the Powerball and he’ll be set. Donnie- you have permission to use my lucky numbers 80085 (spells boobs btw.)

3. Kendrick disses Drake in new song and I’m confused. How could you make fun of a man who looks like this? He was in Degrassi, show some respect.

4. US passes $1.2 trillion spending bill, which will only last until October. I’ve seen better budgeting from my fraternity’s treasurer (shoutout Clark who made $3k in slush funds last a whole semester. Heroic.)

5. Shohei Ohtani to address media today amid gambling allegations against his former interpreter. Dude is in a three way tie for most degenerate gambler alive with Bruno Mars and my buddy Steve.

THIS IS HOW YOUR EMAIL FINDS ME TODAY

Shoutout to this kid who got full on spatchcocked like a Thanksgiving turkey during the NCAA nationals this weekend. We are here for you.

Look, it’s pretty brutal to train for your entire life, get to the pinnacle of your sport and then be remembered for this moment. But that’s the cards that some of us get dealt.

Let’s look on the bright side. His singlet easily could’ve split in half and given the world a full close-up on his taint. And he could’ve shit his pants like this Hoftra kid and created a biohazard. Neither of those happened AND he just showed millions of women that he’s incredibly flexible and receptive to a little salad tossing. That’s a W.

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NCAAM: After a first round full of upsets, we have a very chalky Sweet 16, with all four #1 and #2 seeds moving on and just 1 double digit seed advancing.

Still, we were treated to 3 OT battles, as #1 Houston held off #9 Texas A&M after a wild 3 pointer sent the game to OT and Houston had 4 players foul out. #3 Creighton wins in double OT in another chaotic finish, and #14 Oakland came back to earth against #11 NC State (at least Jack Gohlke got paid.)

Full updated brackets here - can’t wait for Thursday.

NCAAW: Caitlin Clark can set every record she wants but she’ll still get yelled at by her dad. Respect.

No one’s sounded more guilty than LSU coach Kim Mulkey getting ahead of a hit piece. THROW HER IN JAIL! (I have no idea what the article’s about.)

NBA: No wonder Jalen Green has been stepping his game up lately. He’s going to have 3 babies within 12 months. Man has a family to feed.

UFC: Doesn’t get more hardcore than Andre Lima getting bitten, winning the fight, and then getting the bite mark tattoo’d onto his body.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Disorder causes patients to see normal faces as ‘demonic.’ Pretty sure this is called ‘being on ayahuasca’ and the only cure is more ayahuasca.

A Happy Gilmore sequel is in the works and I hope they don’t fuck it up. Can’t have a debacle like Baby Geniuses 2 and completely ruin the original classic.

Man arrested after eating a severed leg from a train crash and I’m enraged. Being hungry and having a little treat is a crime now? Shame on this country.

MONDAY MOVE

The only tournament that actually matters this year: Moves Madness. 64 of the top moves from 2024 battle it out for the title of Best Move of the Year.

My Cinderella pick? #11 seed “Ordering the same elaborate sandwich from the same shop every day in hopes that they name it after you.” Big brain move.

Check out the updated bracket and vote along in IG stories. 

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Time Burton’s Batman (1989) edited into a silent film is actually amazing. Jack Nicholson is a legit psychopath.

• It’s comforting to know that even if your joke bombs, it’s nowhere near as bad as this lawyers joke that was so bad it now has its own Wikipedia page.

• Need more stuff with Theo Von and Druski, like this story about buying a Katt Williams nutcracker. I love both these men.

• Shoutout to Markelle Fultz. I personally crumbles at the smallest amount of negative feedback so I have no idea how he does it.

• Read this on your lunch break: the terrible cost of a phone based childhood.

• Laughed out loud watching this sketch. Fantastic stuff.