The Daily Friday: Monday 3/4

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Dune 2 banks $81 million in top opening weekend of 2024, roughly equivalent to 9 pre-wedding performances from Rihanna. Work.

2. Sydney Sweeney hosted SNL and I haven’t stopped howling at the moon while honking a train horn and yelling AWOOGA!! since.

3. Caitlin Clark breaks Pete Maravich’s scoring record and is well on her way to smashing Lebron’s 40k career points as well. Can’t wait to take both of them for granted immediately after they retire.

4. Supreme Court restores Trump to ballots ahead of Super Tuesday, rejecting attempts to hold him accountable for Jan. 6th. I’m still gonna vote for Ralph Nader and you can’t stop me.

5. A 70 year old has eaten 34,000 Big Macs in his life. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

HOW IS THIS DUDE ALIVE?

This weekend, after years of prolific production and unmatched durability, a record was set that will never be touched in our lifetimes. I’m not talking about Lebron’s 40,000 career points. I’m talking about 34k lifetime Big Macs. 

After sucking down 728 Big Macs last year, 70-year-old Dan Gorsche has officially eaten 34,128 in his lifetime, extending his Guinness World Record.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• After having his first Big Mac in 1972, Dan liked it so much he said to himself: “I’m going to have these for the rest of my life,” and decided to keep every single carton and receipt since. It’s beautiful to see mental illness weaponized for good like this.

• For years, Dan would have 9 burgers a day (!) and quickly set the record for all-time Big Macs eaten in 1999, a record he has continue to add to since. If you’re like me and wondering how the fuck has this dude’s heart hasn’t exploded yet, the answer is simple: he skips fries and walks 6 miles a day. That’s just science.

• The biggest obstacle during the pursuit of his record was his job as a prison guard. After prisoners found out about his obsession, according to Dan, they verbally abused him ‘relentlessly’ for years. That sucks I guess, but you know what sucks worse? Being in prison. Don’t feel that bad for you man.

• The secret to Dan’s success? He just fucking loves Big Macs. He doesn’t eat anything else, including lobster, his second favorite food that he hasn’t had in 28 years. He even proposed to his wife in the parking lot of his local McDonalds and now has his portrait on a wall in the restaurant. That’s like James Harden getting his jersey hung in the rafter of a Houston strip club but way more wholesome.

NCAAB: Huge weekend in college hoops, as regular season play wraps up and the stage is set for conference tournaments this week. We sleep in May.

Most insane ending of the weekend goes to Western Michigan, who wins at the buzzer off a full court bounce pass. Dr. Locks was in his bag for this one.

NFL: Xavier Worthy sets NFL record with 4.21 40 yard dash, which absolutely guarantees success in the NFL and also life.

GOLF: I’m not sure what was more relatable, Detry’s putting performance or Rafael Nadal’s swing (how in the world is he a scratch golfer??)

NBA: Celtics murder Warriors, who maybe should’ve considered guarding Jaylen Brown. This type of defense only works against Josh Giddey.

NHL: This Kardi goal is in the running for goal of the year. Filthy.

We finally got our heavyweight bout, as OG goon Ryan Reaves faces off against new blood Matt Rempe. Nice to see the torch get passed.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Male humpback whales caught banging in public and I’m appalled. I guess the Senate hearing room was taken? Have some decorum guys.

PornHub is confirmed real life. Noah Cyrus (sister of Miley) is reportedly upset that her mom married her ex hookup, a 54 year old Prison Break actor.

Dudes Rock of the Week: these kids build a raft every summer and spend a few days floating down a river together. This is literally the American Dream.

This guy who climbed a railing to avoid using rainbow stairs just gets it. Grinding up a pole in cutoffs and a tank top is the straightest thing you can do.

MONDAY MOVE

This has been my go-to move the morning after open bars for many years.

It’s not my fault I ‘ruined the wedding by falling asleep at my table and pissing myself during the father-daughter dance.’ It’s the bartender’s fault for serving me my 14th Old Fashioned of the evening. Shame on him.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• NFL reporter Chris Mortensen dies at 72. RIP to a good one.

• Need a new game to add to your Wordle, Connection, and Mini Crossword rotation? The NYT weekly history flashback quiz is highly addicting.

• Joey Mulinaro is an impressions savant and the next Frank Caliendo. Very cool to see him collab with the NFL at the combine.

• I have no idea how rescuers saved this semi-truck that was hanging off a bridge on the Ohio River. Madness.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Butterfly Redemption.