The Daily Friday: Monday 4/10

Today you only have to worry about one thing: surviving and advancing. Let’s go.

MONDAY MOTIVATION

On Friday, NASA discovered a runaway black hole that is “tearing its way through the universe” and will probably kill us all. What an opportunity. Forward this to your boss and prepare to spend your time scorching your suckhole.

RIZZ GOD CHALAMET

Has the Kardashian Curse finally met its match? Over the weekend, rumors broke that Kylie Jenner, the billionaire Travis Scott baby mama, is dating Timothée Chalamet. Young Wonka himself.

I continue to be in awe of what this man is capable of. Acting chops. Unreal style. Generational songbird. And while he is a sexual icon, the dexterity to pull Kylie Jenner officially places him on my shortlist for 2023 Rizz God of the Year.

Here’s where we stand:

1. Timothée Chalamet

2. Pete Davidson (Kim K and Ratajkowski stats)

3. Michael B. Jordan (that body just does not quit)

4. Glen Powell (stupid hot in Top Gun and now crushing a Sydney Sweeney movie)

5. Mario from Super Mario (could be temporary…he pulled Princess Peach and $377 million in his opening weekend.)

I’m taking these Rizz God Rankings seriously. If you have submissions (SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY) send them in. We will monitor closely.

SOUND SMART TO YOUR COWORKERS TODAY

Apparently chilling with your boys is now illegal. That’s right, Supreme Court judge Clarence Thomas is getting a bunch of shit for being the Turtle of his friend group and accepting free trips from his billionaire buddies. Uh yeah dude, what else is he supposed to do?

Clarence, if you’re reading this (and I assume you are) here’s my advice: keep partying. Nobody gives a shit if your boys are Republican donors. The Indonesia yacht trip sounds epic. Carry on.

Good talk bud, let’s catch up soon.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• No one man should have all that ponzu sauce. Kanye’s private school apparently only serves sushi to its students and I am jealous of 4th graders.

• Jon Rahm won the Masters, the Ravens won the OBJ sweepstakes, and Rudy Goebert won the ‘punch your teammates in the middle of a timeout’ contest. Congrats all around.

• I didn’t think I had to say this, but don’t inject your penises with cocaine, ok fellas? It’s not good for you.

• Sneaky W? Taylor Swift broke up with longtime boyfriend Joe Alywyn, freeing him to hit the Era Tour resale market on StubHub and make millions.

FORTUNE COOKIES CONFIRMED REAL

This Jon Rahm tweet is from almost 10 years ago but it finally came true on Sunday. There’s something very freeing about leaving your life in the hands of Panda Express.

MONDAY MOVE

This hits different. Could definitely be the move.

Fun fact: Madagascar is the only place in the world where wild Lemurs are. See you guys Wednesday