The Daily Friday: Monday 4/15

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It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Reminder: today is your last day to pay taxes. I’m not personally going to pay but you guys definitely should. The government will probably have a new World War to fund and they could use the cash.

2. Trump trial begins today in connection to Stormy Daniels hush money payments. If he gives an opening statement half as powerful as his Gettsyburg Address, he’ll be free in no time.

3. Boston Marathon has begun and I will be boycotting until they cut BofA as a sponsor. Those crooks keep saying I ‘can’t report my bar tabs as fraud every week’ and that I have -$232 dollars in my account.

4. Donald Glover announces two new Childish Gambino projects, including the final album. Hopefully he’ll have more time to focus on what’s really important: his YouTube sketch comedy career.

5. Scottie Scheffler wins The Masters. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

SCHEFFLER AGAIN

What an absolutely beautiful weekend to stay indoors and watch other people play golf.

For the second time in three years, Scottie Scheffler is your Master’s champion. The 27 year old, world #1 continued a dominant run this year, adding to his combined $15 million in winnings already in 2024. His caddy makes more than I’ll make in my entire career.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• The biggest hero of the weekend was his wife Meredith, who did not go into labor in the final round, allowing Scottie to stay and finish his win. Honestly, if he did leave mid round, that would’ve been at top 5 story of the decade. There’s always next year (keep breeding you two 🙏🏻)

• Here’s some stats (shoutout Morning Blitz for the intel here): Scheffler was only the fifth #1 ranked golfer to win the Masters and the first betting favorite to win since 2005 (Tiger, duh.) He’s won 3 of his last four matches and has not shot over par this entire season. I don’t think I’ve ever made it through 4 holes without a double bogey.

• First time Masters participant Ludvig Aberg rallied to a second place finish but almost certainly would have won if he hadn’t had his Power-Bar knocked out of his hand at the turn. Golf’s greatest what-if.

• Max Homa may have fallen to third place but he still got to experience a euphoria arguably better than winning a major: getting drunk for the first time in a really long time. I’m jealous af.

• Tiger made his record-breaking 24th cut of his career, but faded down the stretch, posting his worst overall score at Augusta (+16.) I’d still call it a good week: he got to shake a tree’s hand, mentor a youth, and avoided a murder charge. Not too shabby.

Not gonna lie, I shed a tear during this Verne tribute. GOAT.

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NBA: Boban intentionally misses free throw so fans can get free chicken. Welcome to the Glue Guy Hall of Fame (hall of glue?)

Regular season wraps up, as the Thunder clinch the top seed in the West, Knicks lock up the 2 seed, and the play-in matchups are set. Let’s lock in.

MLB: Yankees’ Nestor mashes all the buttons on his controller, throws fake pitch in middle of wind-up. I officially do no understand the balk rules.

Jackson Holliday, MLB’s top prospect and son of former player Matt Holliday, gets first MLB hit and scores go-ahead run in Orioles win. He was a little more excited than when he got called up.

UFC: Insane ending in UFC 300, as Max Holloway goes for the kill shot right at the buzzer to win the Baddest Motherfucker belt and fight of the night.

NCAAB: Kentucky hires Mark Pope as its new coach, brings out entire 1996 championship team to help introduce him. Chills like you read out.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Well, this is bullshit. There’s a new popcorn bucket but the hole is way too big to fuck. What’s even the point then?

Female Yu-Gi-Oh player quits tournament in Japan because the other players smelled horribly, once again proving that bad hygiene is a competitive advantage. Outstink, outplay, outlast.

Golden Bachelor’s Gerry Turner gets divorced 3 months after wedding, is officially back on the market. Lock up your grandmas.

MONDAY MOVE

New long form YouTube series from Bobby about Finding The Move? Could be the move.

The CBTM cinematic universe expands to unprecedented heights and I couldn’t be more fired up. Check out the first installment to jumpstart your week.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Wanna party without the hangover? Try these 100% legal 5mg topical THC gummies from Sunday Scaries. (PS- smash that link for $49 off. On us.)

• The Drake rap beef, explained (somehow Ja Morant is involved?)

• We gotta have Ryan Gosling host SNL more often so we can get more Beavis and Butthead and Papyrus sketches (need a trilogy.)

• Read this on your lunch break: MLB’s next order of business? Saving its pitchers.

• Monday Motivation: if this cat can overcome heartbreak and get insanely jacked, so can you.

• Check out our monthly mailbag, where we answered your questions on break ups, why the Presidential candidates suck ass, which chain restaurant you’d eat at for the rest of your life and much more.