The Daily Friday: Monday 4/22

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Today is Earth Day, so make sure you offer a blood sacrifice to Greta Thurnberg and thank Big Oil for inventing ‘carbon footprint’ to shift the blame for climate change from corporations to individuals. Heroes.

2. Tough week for Tesla, after 4k Cybertrucks were recalled, workforce was reduced by 10% and prices were drastically cut to address low demand. Luckily, Elon might still get his $56B bonus. Well deserved.

3. US fleeces China in giant panda trade, as San Francisco Zoo gets two giant pandas in exchange for “friendship.” Exciting news, but I won’t officially believe anything’s official until Woj tweets it.

4. 2024 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductees include Mary J. Blige, Cher, Ozzy Osbourne, and Dave Matthews Band. Sorry, but this honor means nothing until they let Avicii in. GOAT.

5. Houses passes bill that could ban Tik-Tok. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

TIK-TOK BAN GETS A LITTLER CLOSER

If Tik-Tok gets banned, where the hell am I going to get my financial advice?

On Saturday, a bill was passed in the House that could lead to a US ban on Tik-Tok within the next year. It’s expected to be voted through the Senate this week, before it is officially signed into law by the corpse of Joe Biden.

The ban has been in and out of the news for the past few months, so it’s time to do a brief refresher. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• While previous version of the bill failed, this iteration was helped by its attachment to a $95 billion foreign aid package, primarily geared towards Ukraine and Israel. At this point, we should just have 52 states with the amount of funding these two get. It could be huge for our Olympic artistic swimming team.

• In case you’re wondering why politicians hate the app that brought us World of T-Shirts, the answer is simple: China is super scary.

• Tik-Tok is owned by ByteDance, a Chinese tech company, and there are concerns that 1) American user data could be leaked and weaponized by the government and 2) the algorithm could be tweaked to promote pro-China messaging. You can have my data and I promise you, I don’t remember a single thing I see on Tik-Tok. It’s fine.

• The bill wouldn’t technically ban the app right away, but it would force ByteDance to find a US buyer within 9-12 months. This would be a bittt tricky since the app is worth approximately 10 fuckloads of money. Potential buyers include former Treasury Secretary Steven Mnunchin, Bobby Kotick, and outspoken bill opponent Elon Musk (if he gets that Tesla bonus, he could have a shot.)

Even if the bill does pass, China has already said it won’t allow a sale of one of the world’s most used apps and ByteDance has promised to fight the law in court. Fair.

We’ll keep you posted with updates as they come, but if anyone wants to work on bringing Vine back, that’d be a sick backup plan.

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NBA: Ant Edwards talks shit and backs it up as the T-Wolves take Game 1. LFG.

Caleb Martin needs to be charged with attempted murder on Jayson Tatum. Some of us bet on the Celtics to sweep and need to pay rent this month.

I’d love to have a no announcer option for a broadcast. Pure hoops.

BOXING: Ryan Garcia is simply built different: chugs a beer during weigh-in, tells everyone to suck his dick, and then beats the undefeated Devin Haney for the title on Saturday night. All-time call from Dr. Locks.

NHL: Matt Rempe can do more than just fight people, scores a goal in his playoff debut as the Rangers win Game 1. Still fight people though, please.

Insane shootout in Winnipeg, as the Jets eke out a 7-6 victory after 6 first period goals. What the hell is going on up there in Canada?

We got playoff action all week. Best time of the year.

MLB: When I retire from Friday Beers after 36 years of service, I better get hooked up with a TV like John Sterling did.

If Cam Booser can spend years in Single A, retire to become a carpenter, join an independent team, and then get his first MLB appearance at age 31, you can make it to class or finish that Powerpoinint today. You got this.

Fuck a bat flip after homering. Smash it against your skull like a real man.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Gotta admire the dedication of Harry Styles’ stalker, who HAND WROTE 8k letters to him in a month. That’s scarier than stabbing him in the throat.

Grandma of the year helps her grand-daughter beat up her bullies in an elementary school bathroom. I feel like this is a plot from a Madea movie.

A far-right media outlet’s app was breached and data of users was released by a group of Gay, Furry Hackers, which is an amazing band name. Just saying.

MONDAY MOVE

I love this move. Life doesn’t have to be mundane. You can choose to make it spectacular. Let’s have a week.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Favorite series on Tik-Tok right now is Boy Room, where a girl investigates the rooms of guys in NYC. Jerome is a legend.

• Kyrie Irving peaked at 20 years old during Team USA practice and you can’t tell me differently.

• Coachella isn’t dead, but it may be haunted. What exactly ruined the most prominent festival in America? Influencers.

• These kids rock. That’s all.

• Read this on your lunch break: what it’s like to be a visual artist in a world that doesn’t need them anymore.

• Wanna party without the hangover? Try these 100% legal 5mg topical THC gummies from Sunday Scaries. (PS- smash that link for $49 off. On us.)