The Daily Friday: Monday 4/29

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. White House postpones menthol cigarette ban out of fear of angering voters. Can they bring back Joe Camel while they’re at it? Dude was the man.

2. Taylor Swift’s Tortured Poet’s Department hits #1 on charts, has largest streaming week of all time. Does that mean we can stop with the ‘asylum where they raised me’ memes? I’m over it.

3. Potential Trump VP candidate Kristi Noem criticized for bragging about killing her misbehaving puppy. You have to be a sociopath to run for office anyways, so this could actually help her cause.

4. Anti-war campus protests across the nation could lead to cancelled graduation ceremonies, which sucks. Graduation is the only chance you get to throw up in front of your entire family in a satin gown.

5. A man ate an entire jar of Cheeseballs in NYC. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

THANK YOU CHEESEBALL MAN

In this broken world, there is only one thing that can truly bring people together: hatred for the ‘what a pro wants commercial’ a hero accomplishing the impossible.

On Sunday, a day where Jalen Brunson saved the Knicks and Friday Beers flowed like honey in bodegas far and wide, a man known only as Cheeseballman427 somehow became the biggest story in NYC after eating an entire jar of cheeseballs in Union Square in front of a massive crowd.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• Following in the proud tradition of NYC superheroes like Batman and Spider-Man, Cheeseballman427’s identity remains unknown, a blank slate onto which we project our own hopes and fears. Cheeseballman is everyone. He is no one. He is the indomitable American spirit.

• He spent months promoting the event, as he and his loyal flock spread the good word through Instagram and flyers around the city. On Sunday, thousands showed up to the park to cheer him on and he did not disappoint, sucking down the entire jar as the crowd chanted “eat those balls.” Finally, my sexual preferences are represented in popular media. Feels good.

• When a fan asked if he would run for president, he replied that he would when he came of age, but before then he’d ‘go home to throw up.’ As is his right. He is a mere mortal, which makes his feat more impressive. I can only imagine what’s going on with his stomach right now and he will always be in my prayers.

Many will compare him to the Philly man who ate a rotisseries chicken 40 days in a row in front of raucous crowds. Both achievements are impressive. One hero does not need to tarnish the other. We can all shine together, as one human race. Happy Monday.

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NBA: Massive weekend of playoff action, as T-Wolves sweep Phoenix off a monster 4th quarter from Anthony Edwards. Fucking love this man.

Jalen Brunson drops 47 and 10 (Kelly Oubre is not impressed) and the Knicks officially own the city of Philadelphia. Hopefully they close out Tuesday, so Embiid doesn’t kill someone. 

Clippers beat Mavs to even series, but I’m still in awe of this Kyrie finish. Hand up - I forgot he was good. Won’t let it happen again.

NHL: Rangers sweep Caps and Ovi is officially on fraud watch. His career is a complete and total failure in my book.

Vancouver somehow fight off a sweep, thanks to a Brock Boeser hat trick to send the game into OT. Absolute scenes.

MLB: How in god’s name did George Springer catch this ball? And how is this Aaron Judge play legal? Yankees just keep inventing new ways to cheat.

Still can’t believe Castellanos didn’t go yard in the middle of this wild story Jon Kruk told about a Mexican prison team.

NFL: You know that the Panthers owner was fucking furious when he confronted this restaurant owner. Taking another man’s hat off is peak controlled rage.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Philly priest spent $40k of the church’s money on Candy Crush. God was simply using him as a vessel to reach Level 451. Not for us to question his will.

New Balance continues to revolutionize the dad shoe game, drops new Snoafer that’s perfect for men who want to be both incredibly comfortable and fuckable at the office.

TLC reality show MILF Manor has sons and fathers dating the same women, which I fully support. Diddy’s been doing this for years and it seems to be working perfectly.

MONDAY MOVE

Absolutely vital to always remember the bigger picture in life. Toss that bucket next to your health insurance card and local coffee shop punch card and change your life forever.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Nothing but respect for this cat. Absolutely relentless feline. I would’ve given up 10 different times during this chase.

• Read this on your lunch break: How Everything Became a Cult.

• Chuck on TNT is a national treasure. I spent 2 hours cackling at clips, especially this one, this one and this one. 

• Being single in America is expensive as fuck. Fix it please.

• Can a political protest change people’s minds? Science says…maybe?

• Wanna party without the hangover? Try these 100% legal 5mg topical THC gummies from Sunday Scaries. (PS- smash that link for $49 off. On us.)