The Daily Friday: Monday 4/8

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. South Carolina women win national championship, completing perfect season and ruining Caitlin Clark’s last chance at a title. I don’t care what any old lady says, she’s still the record holder in my book.

2. J. Cole apologizes for Kendrick diss track two days after release. As someone who spends every Sunday begging for forgiveness for stuff I said on Friday, I completely get it.

3. Engine cover flies off Boeing jet, plane forced to return to airport. Honestly, I’m jealous of people on these flights. I’d love to survive this and bring it up in every single conversation for the next 18 months.

4. Total solar eclipse has arrived and my plan is simple: stare at these pics and then directly at the sun. I want the last images I ever see to be true perfection.

5. A dude ran the entire length of Africa in 352 days. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

PS - thank you to everyone who submitted questions for our first ever mailbag. We’ll be answering these on Friday, so submit yours while you still can.

MODERN DAY FORREST GUMP

“I’m a little tired” - a dude who just ran down an entire continent.

Russ Cook, a 27 year old endurance athlete and social media sensation known as ‘The Hardest Geezer’ (I believe that is actually Robert DeNiro, but I digress) just completed one of the most impressive athletic achievements of all time: running the length of Africa in under a year.

It’s time to tip the cap to the modern day Forrest Gump. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Over 352 days, Russ ran from the southernmost tip of Africa to the northernmost point, a journey of over 10,000 miles. That’s like one year of driving a car. Time for an oil change my guy!

• During his run, he averaged 28.4 miles a day and ran a total of 385 marathons. Forget the physical struggle, I’d just be bored as hell the entire time. The second my AirPods die and I had to be alone with my own thoughts, I would quit. I can’t even do laundry without listening to a podcast, let alone run a marathon in the desert.

• While he originally hoped to finish in 240 days, he ran into a variety of issues during the journey including visa issues (this is why I use Mastercard,) several injuries (no shit,) and getting robbed at gunpoint for his passport and equipment. At that point, I would’ve just let them shoot me. You can’t say I gave up if I got shot.

• He raised over $870k for charities along the way, including Running Charity, an organization that works with homeless young people and Sandblast, a charity that helps displaced people from Western Sahara. He also crossed 1M followers on Insta, which is way more important. There’s always a place in Heaven for members of the Double Comma Club.

NCAAB: John Calipari leaves Kentucky and signs a 5 year deal with Arkansas, thanks in part to the billionaire heir of Tyson chicken. There’s fuck-you money and then there’s Big Chicken money. Mogul shit.

The pick is in for tonight’s national championship tonight: UConn -6.5. Never a doubt.

MLB: Angel Hernandez is truly the GOAT umpire. He’s reaching levels of incompetence that we’ll never see again. Bravo.

NHL: The playoff race starting to heat up and The Empty Netters boys have a full breakdown so you can sound smart at the bar this weekend.

NBA: The 2024 NBA HOF class include Chauncey Billups, a bunch of old dudes, and Vince Carter, who was honored by Toronto with one of the sickest logos I’ve ever seen.

Dallas wins in OT to eliminate the Rockets from the post-season. The call from Exum’s 3 to forced overtime was one of the most electric things I’ve heard.

WRESTLING: A high school sophomore could qualify for Olympic trials after beating a former NCAA champion. Still not as cool as what I was doing at that age (spending hours on ChatRoulette with my buddy and praying we’d meet a girl and not another 40 year old masturbating man.)

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Shoutout the guy suing Fleshlight because he saw ‘no improvement in his sexual performance’ after using it. I am also terrible at sex and understanding the law, but would never have the courage to publicly speak up like he did.

Customer shoots a Chipotle employee during an argument over guacamole and I completely get it. They really do skimp on that shit and it’s not ok.

Here’s a fun headline: Texas nurse arrested for having sex with a Great Dane after her husband was caught masturbating near children at a grocery story. I guess there really is somebody for everyone out there.

MOVES MADNESS FINAL FOUR

It all comes down to this. After weeks of fierce competition, just 4 moves remain. My money’s on 3D model of your local downtown.Juggernaut.

Catch up on the full bracket and check out Bobby’s full breakdown on the CBTM podcast.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Your Monday might be off to a rough start but don’t sweat it: there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Tonight you can plop your ass on the couch, pop a Sunday Scaries gummy and watch the national championship. (PS - smash that link for $49 off. On us.)

• This clip perfectly captures the question constantly running through my mind: am I thirsty or am I pregnant?

• As Curbed came to a close last night, Larry David still defends the finale of Seinfeld nearly 30 years later.

• This man is the artist of our generation. A true master of his craft.

• While making the 1961 movie Barrabas, the director delayed shooting for weeks to film during an eclipse and it was low key stunning.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Squatters of Beverley Hills.