The Daily Friday: Monday 5/15

I would give anything to be Chonk, the massive snapping turtle who spends his days chilling on the Chicago River. All Hail our Chonk King.

• Slingshot Kid

• YouTube Plane Crash

• Watermelon Tips

• Weekend Sports Recap

• What Else is Good

• Monday Move

• 2022’s Top Baby Names

THIS KID IS A GODDAM LEGEND

The kids are all right.

Last week, a 13 year old boy in Michigan used a slingshot to save his little sister from being kidnapped in their backyard, striking the would-be kidnapper multiple times in the chest and face (!!!) and forcing him to flee the yard.

When I was 13, I was watching Drake and Josh reruns and discovering the joys of masturbation through 30 second Brazzers trailers. Meanwhile, this kid is slingshotting the fuck out of kidnappers like a baby Bourne. Respect.

I haven’t been this impressed by a 13 year old since I saw my boy David absolutely crush his Torah portion at his lacrosse themed Bar Mitzvah. FYI - that’s as high of a compliment as I can possibly give because David really did dominate that shit.

YOUTUBER FACES 20 YEARS IN JAIL FOR SICK VIDEO

Pageviews still count in prison.

On Friday, YouTuber Trevor Jacob pleaded guilty to a felony charge after staging a plane crash in 2021 in order to gain views. I’m gonna be honest…it was completely worth it.

The video is fucking sick. Some of the best content I’ve ever seen. I can forgive anything if the content comes out great and this one hits.

He might go to jail for 20 years but who gives a fuck? Clout is the only true form of currency in today’s world. The man is a legend in the content game and his commitment should be celebrated and studied for generations.

STEP YOUR WATERMELON GAME UP

Boys, we are entering prime watermelon season. Now you have no more excuses. Go out there and execute at a championship level this summer 🤝🤝

NBA: The 76ers got blown the fuck out to end their season and Ben Simmons celebrated appropriately. No one showed up for the Knicks besides Jalen Brunson. Embarrassing: Lebron failed to get a triple double in the Lakers Game 6 W. Ja Morant needs to figure it out. 

NHL: Everyone wave bye-bye to the Leafs and Oilers. McDavid, Pasternak and Tkachuk finalists for Hart award. Hathaway seems to be enjoying his time off after the Bruins early exit.

MLB: Absolute maniac Bryce Harper tossed after charging the Rockies’ dugout. Cincinnatti drops new all black home jerseys - thoughts?

Other: Anthony Richardson is a good ass dude. YouTuber Ksi won an MMA fight with an illegal elbow and I guess we’re supposed to care. Who OK’d the Sauce Gardner SI Cover?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• ​​UFC fighter Tim Elliot’s wife has sleeping with his close friend for years, extremely humiliating information that we all now know because Elliot tweeted it out himself. Maybe keep that one in drafts bud.

• A woman requires men to write a 500-word essay before going on a date with her and I’ve never seen a better use case for ChatGPT on the planet.

• A community college baseball coach put speakers in his team’s helmets to tip upcoming pitches. Wild amount of sophistication for a sub .500 JUCO team but it’ll absolutely pay off when he gets a Houston Astros job.

• I just discovered this woman with the world’s largest mouth who can fit an entire apple in between her chompers. No jokes, just pure astonishment and respect for the wonder of the human body.

MONDAY MOVE

Always the move.

I guess it’s not that weird Rihanna named her baby RZA. Commence Week.