The Daily Friday: Monday 5/20

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Iranian president dies in helicopter crash, likely to cause further turmoil in Middle East. Perfect, that’s exactly what everyone needs right now.

2. Xander Schauffele wins PGA championship with a -21, his first major W and record lowest score in any major ever. Bryson may have lost, but he still won my heart. Is he…likable now? The fuck?

3. Video released of Diddy beating ex girlfriend in 2018, rapper films apology video in what appears to be a very non-extraditable location. Someone kidnap him so we can throw him in jail, please.

4. Green fireball sighting in the skies of Spain and Portugal. Scientists claim they’re meteors but we all know the truth: The Autobots are here (shoutout Megan Fox. All time run in ‘07)

5. Red Lobster officially files for bankruptcy. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

RIP TO RED LOBSTER

Bring in the dancing lobstahs.

America’s favorite seafood chain has formally declared bankruptcy and I’m officially worried about chain restaurants nationwide.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• 93 restaurants have been closed (some without employees even knowing) as Red Lobster claimed $1 billion in debt and $30 million cash on hand. That’s the exact ratio of credit card debt to checking account balance I’m currently rocking, minus a few zeroes. Should I…declare bankruptcy on myself?

• The biggest culprit of the restaurant’s decline this year has been the $20 Unlimited Shrimp deal, which lost $11 million after they moved it from a limited time offer to a permanent menu item. Hand up, I went there last year and poured 3 plates down my pants. Just because I could. I feel partly responsible. My bad guys.

• The chain’s closing could impact lobster trade worldwide, as the restaurant purchased 20% of lobster tails in North America and 16% of all rock lobsters worldwide (didn’t know rock lobsters were a thing, thought it was just a sick B-52s song.) Check on your lobster fisherman friends today. They’re probably bored as fuck and just sitting on their cages all mopey and shit.

Sadly, Red Lobster is not the only chain restaurant struggling, as Applebees, IHOP and TGI Fridays have shut down dozens of locations this year due to rising costs and decreasing demand. Damn shame.

Sit-down chain restaurants are the bread and butter of America. Affordable, consistent, homey. Always rocking a specialty drink that’s 90% sugar, plus an appetizer deal that’s a goddam steal. If these go away, where are high schoolers boys going to get friend zoned by that girl from chem class before seeing a movie? Where will people congregate when they’re home for Thanksgiving in their 20s? Where will JV baseball coaches get DUIs??? I fear for the future of this nation.

If they come for Chili’s next, I will have to Jan. 6 the Better Business Bureau, or whoever is responsible for this madness. Enough is enough.

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NBA: T-Wolves storm back from down 20 to stun Nuggets in Game 7. RIP to the defending champs, but at least Jokic gets 3 extra weeks to chill with his horses. He deserves it.

Pacers simply did not miss, shot 76.3% (!!!!!) to win Game 7 against a Knicks team that lost Jalen Brunson in the 3rd quarter and the rest of the entire goddam team this series. Kudos to you.

NHL: 🚨GAME 7 TONIGHT🚨 Edmonton heads to Vancouver to battle for the right to get smoked by the Stars next round. LFG.

Panthers put away Bruins in Game 6 with a late Gustav Forsling goal, setting up heavyweight brawl with the Rangers in the ECF.

PREAKNESS: Seize the Grey wins Preakness, but the real competition was on the porta potty run. A tradition unlike any other.

MLB: Paul Skenes strikes out 11 in 6 no-hit innings against the Cubs. Dude is filthy.

Rafel Devers is straight up addicted to hitting HRs, now has 5 game streak. Never stop please.

BOXING: Oleksander Usyk officially becomes world’s undisputed #1 heavyweight boxer, and unofficially becomes owner of sickest walkout ever.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

An NFL team needs to sign the Taiwanese politician who stole a bill and ran with it to stop it being passed. He would be an absolute weapon in the open field.

The #1 thing wrong with America is our politicians refuse to filmed themselves licking toilets like the German ones. We used to have grit.

NYC student went to rehab for cheese addiction so she could beat her parmesan problem. My girl was fiending for the feta but now she’s much chedda. Life is gouda.

I’ve never seen a baby more locked in than this kid is for the Four Seasons in Orlando. That place is heaven. Even babies know that.

MONDAY MOVE

Friday’s move lineup was the best I’ve seen in a long time. No notes. Let’s have a Monday.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• SONG OF THE SUMMER ALERT. This song by Irish elementary school kids is a fucking bop and I won’t hear any argument otherwise.

• The quote-tweets on this thread of “Phrases that sound like they’re from the Bible but aren’t” are incredible. This Spy Kids 2 line will always be #1 for me.

• Read this on your lunch break: A24 is bringing back the movie soundtrack.

• These sound waves from a water hose connected to a speaker blew my goddam mind.

• Actually laughed out loud at this SNL Scooby Doo sketch. Still doesn’t touch the Dead Poet’s Society jump scare, but it’s close.

• A reporter read everything Elon posted in a week so you don’t have to. Thank you reporter.