The Daily Friday: Monday 5/22

Me battling a 48 hour bender within an inch of my life after my boss asks if I’m gonna be ok to work today.

• Barefoot Boy Summer

• George Santos is a Political Mastermind

• Weekend Sports Update

• What Else is Good

• Monday Move

• Bring this Up at the Pregame

Let’s get into it.

BAREFOOT BOY SUMMER

Fellas, it’s time to let those little piggies out. It’s going to be a barefoot boy summer.

No longer will we hide our toes in shame or mask our beautiful leg-hands with unnatural ‘shoes.’ Our bare feet have been craving the sweet sensation of hot asphalt and broken glass for centuries and finally society has wisened up.

The times, they are a-changing and we have Sean Mendes and his smoothie gang to thank for that.

Ladies, don’t you dare sexualize this trend. This is not an excuse to stare at our rugged, sensual street-weathered toes as we wait in line at the local bodega. Our eyes are up here, sweetheart. And so are our hearts.

I AM IN AWE OF GEORGE SANTOS

The hardest working man in politics just took on more responsibility. After facing jail time for fraud and money laundering, George Santos has named himself campaign treasurer.

Gangster move. If you want something done right (fraud), you do it yourself. This man’s ability to double down and commit to being a full-blown villain is commendable and should be a lesson to you all.

Never admit responsibility. Never face your demons. Never give up on your dreams.

FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR SCREEN TIME TODAY

Respect to South Africa. Being on your phone 58% of the time that you’re awake is remarkable commitment. Japan needs to get with the times and start scrolling with the rest of the big boys before the world passes them by.

NBA: Grant Williams poked the bear and now the Celtics are down 3-0. Lakers look old and the Nuggets look unstoppable. Joe Mazzulla does not watch The Town nearly enough.

NHL: Veleno gets 5 games for stomping. The Knights (on their FOURTH goalie) and Panthers both open up a 2-0 lead. US dominates France, stays perfect at Worlds.

MLB: Gary Sheffield’s son’s swing looks very familiar. Red manager David Bell goes absolutely ballistic after getting kicked out.

OTHER: Brooks pulls off the first LIV Major W of the year but Michael Block is America’s sweetheart. National Treasure wins the Preakness LIKE I TOLD YOU HE WOULD. We are euthanizing racehorses at an alarming rate.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Dudes rock. This husband who flies in first class while he lets his wife and children sit in coach gets the #1 rule of marriage: ignore your family and make yourself happy.

• Shit. You can make $100/hr watching Tik Tok videos and the mean teens who bully me at Starbucks are about to be rich as fuck. Terrible start to the week.

• The bounce-house owner that has been fire-bombing his competitor’s businesses needs to drop a TED talk. Just a foolproof, extremely sound business strategy.

• Can’t wait to take my girl to the new basketball version of Top Golf, suck down a couple pitchers and drop a triple-double on her head.

• This 12 year old has 5 more college degrees than Stetson Bennet but ZERO 2^nd Team All-SEC honors. Jocks still rule.

• The orcas have unionized and are teaching each other how to systematically attack and sink the fuck out of boats. It was nice knowing all of you.

MONDAY MOVE

Calling your friends civilians. Always the move.

Monday Motivation: you will never be as successful as Larry Fitzgerald, so you might as well give up now. Freeing, isn’t it?