The Daily Friday: Monday 6/12

Me after sending one email today.

• Bar Tab Update

• Crocodile Jesus

• Real Life Lord of the Flies

• The Big Game

• Drink of the Summer

• What Else is Good

• Monday Move

• Bring This Up at the Pregame

BAR TAB GIVEAWAY UPDATE

This week, increase your chances to win by sharing a link to the Daily Friday newsletter on your Instagram and tagging us (@the.daily.friday.) Those who shared get 10 more entries to win our Bar Tab Giveaway. Winner announced tomorrow morning… so start sharing THIS LINK.

Let’s get into the news.

CROCODILE JESUS

Immaculate croc-ception? A female crocodile that lived in total isolation for 16 years in a Costa Rica Zoo experienced a “virgin birth,” laying a clutch of eggs despite never having sexual intercourse.

As someone who’s scared of having sex because I’m not very good at it, this gives me the peace of mind I’ve craved for years. I can still have a family without disappointing my wife in our marital twin bed. Absolutely beautiful.

My one concern is that maybe the zookeeper was up to some freaky shit and it wasn’t a true virgin birth. That would be pretty despicable and just asking for Steve Irwin to haunt you for eternity. Hoping that’s not the case, but life can surprise you.

FLOUR POWER

The Yellowjackets girls just got shown the fuck up. Four Indigenous Huitoto children in Colombia aged 13, 9, 4 and 11 months (!!!!) survived for 40 days in the Amazon jungle after their plane crashed, all the adults died and just one bag of flour remained.

This story makes me realize how completely useless I am as a person.

• The 13 year old kept a baby alive for 6 weeks. When I was 13, I couldn’t keep a Tamagachi alive for 6 weeks. Bravo.

• After they ran out of flour, the kids survived by eating seeds from plants they recognized. I don’t know if I could identify a single seed besides David’s Ranch Jumbo. Those are delicious but not indigenous to the Amazon (I’m assuming.)

• The kids did not eat each other. I would have eaten my brother after 45 minutes. To be fair, my brother is particularly delicious-looking (you don’t know him so you have to trust me) but still, this is incredible restraint.

These kids fucking rule.

THESE SEARCH TERMS MAKE NO SENSE

Pretty confused by all of this. Unholy is the greatest song in America? NY is a hotbed of pancake research? Do the children of Michigan get more coughs than normal or do they just have the most clueless parents? Lotta head scratchers.

NBA: Heat face elimination tonight in Denver; I’m betting on Kevin Love’s baby luck. The Quote Tweets are hilarious on this thread of funniest NBA moments this season. 

NHL: Post game chaos ensued after Vegas took a 3-1 lead in the series. The Empty Netters have you covered ahead of Tuesday Game 5 matchup.

MLB: Andrew McCutchen gets his 2,000th hit in Pittsburgh. Yankees radio announcer John Sterling (84 years old) EATS a foul ball off the dome and doesn’t miss a second of play by play.

OTHER: Djokovic wins French Open, record 23rd Grand Slam title… GOAT. Arcangelo’s trainer goes absolutely nuts after becoming the first female trainer to win Belmont. McGregor redefines committing to the bit, knocks Miami Heat mascot out cold during planned mid-game skit. The ending to the Floyd fight was sheer madness.

DRINK OF THE SUMMER CHECK-IN

CODE RED. The mainstream media is running a disgusting campaign to launch the Pickle Juice Martini as the Drink of the Summer. What the hell?

The true drink of the summer is the Sidewalk Slammer: a 40 oz malt liquor that you drink half of before filling up with Four Loko. After you finish, you smash the bottle on the sidewalk.

It’s affordable, show-stopping, and a guaranteed hell of a good time. What else do you need?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Can anyone get me a tee time with Trump at Mar-A-Lago? The dude is sharing Iran invasion plans with his foursomes and storing classified docs in the bathroom. I’m gonna shoot a 108 regardless, I might as well get a few state secrets out of it.

• The Eiffel Tower is now single. A woman who married the Paris monument has divorced it after falling in love with a fence and I can’t say I blame her… that fence is very, very sexy.

• Finally, innovation has arrived to the glizzy game. A new hot dog update just dropped that could change everything this summer.

• The Unabomber died in prison 24 hours after news broke that Bill Murray and Milkshakes singer Khelis were dating. Coincidence? Not sure. Stay tuned.

• Monday Motivation: this 14-year-old graduated from college and got a job at SpaceX and you have multiple roommates and are on your mommy’s Netflix account as a 32 year old.

MONDAY MOVE

Airports Beers. Always the move.

Congrats I guess? An alien invasion would be terrible and I personally wouldn’t want to be around. This is why I hated Last of Us…why were Pascal and co fighting so hard to be alive? Existence is horrible… just take the L and move on.

Just like today. It’s gonna suck and that’s ok. Lick your wounds and move on. In 4 magical days, it’ll be Friday.

Commence Week.