The Daily Friday: Monday 6/3

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Hunter Biden gun trial begins today, as jury members will be selected in the first ever trial for a sitting president’s child. If he’s convicted, can he join Tik-Tok like Trump? He’d be electric on live.

2. GameStop shares skyrocket after Roaring Kitty posts account showing $100 mil+ position while Dr. Fauci gets grilled by House around pandemic response. Feels like 2020 again (derogatory.)

3. Mexico elects its first woman, Jewish president over the weekend. If the whole president thing doesn’t work out, a Mexican-Jewish fusion restaurant would be scrumptious as hell. Just saying.

4. FDA begins reviewing MDMA as a viable solution to PTSD and depression treatment. In my experience, it definitely doesn’t make you more depressed. Gotta count for something.

5. Caddies were the true heroes of golf this weekend. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

ALWAYS BE READY

If you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.

Those words have never rung truer than this weekend at the RBC Canadien Open, where golfer CT Pan went through 4 caddies (including a local fan) and Robert MacIntyre promoted his dad from grass cutter to bag man and took home his first PGA title.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• 3 holes into his final round on Sunday, golfer CT Pan’s caddie Mike “Fluff” Cowan (all-time caddie name) slipped and fell on a rainy and slick fairway, experiencing the very rare ‘round-ending caddie injury.’

• A local fan named Paul Emerson was standing nearby and immediately sprang into action, tossing the caddie bib on, slinging the bag onto his back and walking up the fairway. This is why I always bring a glove to baseball games. You never know when they might need a fan who can throw in the low 70s with no movement to fill in.

• Emerson caddied for another hole before he was replaced by a member of the course’s caddie services team (again, another unsung hero.) At the turn, Pan switched AGAIN, tapping in Al Riddell, who caddies for another PGA golfer and lives nearby. Gotta be a nightmare to figure out how to split that caddie tip up 4 ways.

• But the biggest story was Robert MacIntyre, the 27 year old golfer, who flew in his dad from Scotland (“just a grass cutter” by his own admission) to be his emergency caddie this week. MacIntyre had been through 4 caddies in the past 18 months (aka one round for Pan at the RBC,) and needed to mix it up.

• MacIntrye, who has won twice on the European Tour and is a member of the Ryder Cup team, fought off challenges all weekend (including a loud drone) to shoot a -16 and win his first ever PGA event.

The post-victory interview will give you chills (and also make you wish you had a Scottish accent.) If that doesn’t fire you up to have a good Monday, I don’t know what will. Let’s fucking go.

NFL: Justin Jefferson signs deal with Vikings that will make him the highest paid non-QB in NFL history, finally answering the question: how much would you have to get paid to let Sam Darnold throw you the ball?

NHL: Oilers clinch their spot in the Stanley Cup thanks to this Conor McDavid goal that belongs in the Louvre and my current fan of the year (don’t click that at work.)

Edmonton will battle the Panthers, who finished the Rangers off in Game 6. No hockey until Saturday, so pound some Empty Netters while you wait.

WNBA: Chennedy Carter assaults Caitlin Clark and then says “besides 3 point shooting, what does she bring to the table man?” THIS LEAGUE.

We need more hot mics in the WNBA. ‘My pussy is old’ has now entered my lexicon.

NCAA BASEBALL: Nothing gets my dick hard like a good old fashioned hidden ball trick. I’m a little sicko that way.

D3 Birmingham Southern hits a walk-off to stay alive in the CWS after their school shut down for good. Full body chills like you read about.

GOLF: These two would make the chillest kids in human history. Just saying.

MLB: Juan Soto is not a real human being. Electric city.

GYMNASTICS: Jonathan Owens’ wife dominates once again, wins record 9th national championship and qualifies for the Olympics.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Lenny Kravitz says he’s been celibate for 9 years, claims it’s “a spiritual thing.” Are you sure it’s a not a “my body has been absorbed by a gigantic flesh-eating scarf” thing?

RIP to Prince King, an 81-year-old man who died days after he was finally busted for a 10 year sling-shot-shooting spree, where he’d fuck up his neighbors’ windows with rocks because they annoyed him. Legend.

Taco Bell is dropping a new Cheez-It collab this week, with 3 new menu items that will help you forget the horrors of life. Thank you Taco Bell.

MONDAY MOVE

Chills from this bad boy. There’s nothing more important in life than respecting your boys’ fandom. Might be our only hope in bringing this divided nation back together.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Happy Pride Month. This is a foolproof way to get free food at ANY dining establishment in June.

• GQ’s 1995 ‘Overrated List’ is stacked. Just banger after banger. Could to see that nothing has changed in 20 years.

• Cosmic Baseball is my official sport of the future. Fever dream aesthetics should be incorporated into all sporting events.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Post-Apocalyptic Movie Survivability Index

• Laughed out loud at this ‘Friends’ but Ross has schizophrenia edit.

• What gives life meaning and how it differs in cultures across the world (is everything ok in East Asia?)

• Eminem was in the newest Shane Gillis video.