The Daily Friday: Monday 7/17

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart around the water cooler.

• Powerball drawing climbs to over $900 million, or 231,262,468 Wintergreen Zyns. Full breakdown.

• Shein Soprano? The online fast-fashion retailer is facing RICO charges for stealing artist’s designs. Should’ve just stuck with influencer factory tours.

• Dept. of Education will wipe out $39 billion of student debt for 804k people. Now do credit card debt next please.

• Dude behind the viral ‘blue and black’ or ‘gold and white’ dress trend in 2015 probably murdered his wife. We live in a simulation.

• Unseed Marketa Vondrousza wins women’s Wimbledon while 20-year-old Carlos Alcaraz dethrones Djokovic to win men’s final. More on Alcaraz below.

THE FUTURE OF TENNIS IS HERE

A new king of tennis has arrived. 20 year old Spaniard Carlos Alcaraz has taken down Djokovic for his first Wimbledon. Here’s everything you need to know about the new champ.

• Alcaraz turned pro at 15, the same age I secured a 620 on the PSAT and the respect of every hot chick in my school.

• His father is a VERY big tennis guy, even going so far as to film Djokovic during his training sessions as purely a fan. Respect.

• After he won the US Open in 2022, he became the youngest world #1 EVER (19 years, 4 months, 6 days aka the age when I got caught with my first fake.)

• His game is a combination of “Nadal, Federer and Djokovic," according to a pretty good source (Djokovic.)

• Alcaraz is dating another tennis player, Maria Gonzalez Gimenez, who is also extremely talented.

Another fun fact: he is going to dominate tennis for the next 20 years. A new era has arrived.

HOTTEST SUMMER EVER

134 in California is simply madness. In related news, Earth just recorded its hottest summer on record. We are so back baby.

MLB: Elly De La Cruz has a better arm than 98% of MLB starting pitchers.

Bad times for New York baseball; Yanks fall to last place while Mets can’t catch a pop-up in loss to Dodgers.

NBA: Lebron changes his number back to 23 from 6 to honor Bill Russell the number of times he’s lost in the NBA Finals.

Steph Curry wins American Century golf championship with a walk-off eagle putt. He also hit a hole-in-one the same round…save some for the rest of us, dude.

NFL: Smart move by the Titans refusing to pay AJ Brown in his prime and then signing an aging De’Andre Hopkins one year later.

MLS: Florida man shops at Publix.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Never related to a political candidate more than Ron DeSantis saying “hungwie.” Me too, buddy. Me too.

“Island Boys” Tik-Toker brothers smooch on camera. I will never forgive my parents for not birthing a twin brother for me to do this with.

Joe Jonas opens up about needing ‘lots of therapy’ after pooping his pants on stage. You got nothing to be ashamed of, big boy. I will probably shit myself today and that’s totally natural 👍🏻

Huge news boys…Gwenyth Paltrow doesn’t not eat ass. I could make her so happy.

MONDAY MOVE

New go-to office roast just dropped. Always the move.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Finally…an affordable Taylor Swift concert.

• This ranking of worst US states to live in definitely won’t piss anyone off.

• Dude saves zoo keeper’s life after croc attacks them. 

• LONG READ: Kitchen Confidential was Bear before Bear.