The Daily Friday: Monday 7/20

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Chipotle CEO confirms restaurants will serve bigger portions in response to online complaints. Bullying officially works guys. Let’s go harass Four Loko until they have enough caffeine to kill you again.

2. Deadpool & Wolverine opens to $205 million, crushing record for R-rated film. Congrats, Marvel. It’s still fucking bullshit you’re bringing back Robert Downey as Dr. Doom in the next Avengers movie.

3. Ex Frito-Layo janitor sues company for denying he invented Flaming Hot Cheetos. Lawsuits are for cowards. Go assault your childhood bully then have Robin Williams tell you it’s not your fault like a real janitor genius.

4. Two Boeing astronauts have been stuck in space for 51 days, with no end in sight. I really hope that dude has a place he can crank hog in. I can’t imagine going 51 minutes without yanking it, let alone 51 days.

5. The Olympics have been simply electric. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

THE OLYMPICS HAVE BEEN AWESOME

I didn’t realize how badly I needed the Olympics in my life.

Ever since Friday’s opening ceremony, the Paris Olympics have been a fire-hose of electric content (shoutout the incredible performance by Bob the Cap Catcher) that have helped us through the dog days of summer. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

TOP MOMENTS FROM THE WEEKEND

• I’m not sure if I want women’s rugby player Ilona Maher to play for an NFL team or toss me around like a little baby. Honestly, both work.

• China is holding the lead in gold medals while the USA is up in overall medals. Medals aside, the real winner has been the Gold Zone. Singlehandedly got me through my hangover yesterday.

• Team USA hoops beats Jokic and team Serbia in dominating fashion while Jayson Tatum gets to watch from the best seats in the house. Meanwhile, there’s one thing that can bring the world together: Rudy Gobert getting absolutely yammed on.

• Surfing is happening in Tahiti, and you really gotta feel for this guy. Makes it all the way to the world’s biggest stage and then goes ass up. Literally.

• Opening ceremony was weird as fuck and offended lots of Christians (even though it actually had nothing to do with the Last Supper,) but still, this Lebron picture was pretty fucking sick. Worth it.

• Committee docks Canada soccer team 6 points in drone spying scandal, while players maintain they are not cheaters. Kinda seems like you are, but what do I know?

Personally, I’m going to be dedicating an entire second monitor to the coverage today at work. If you don’t get an email Wednesday, just know that I got fired. At least I went out doing what I love: ignoring my responsibilities while I bet money I don’t have on sports I’ve never followed in my life.

MLB: How in God’s name does this play happen in an MLB game? Wake up, boys.

Tuesday’s trade deadline is 24+ hrs away, but a lot has already gone down, as the Yankees pick up OF Jazz Chisholm (electric name, electric talent,) the Cubs get All-Star Peredes, and the Mariners make moves. Full recap here.

NFL: Packers sign Jordan Love to 4 year, $220 million extension as QB becomes highest paid player in the league after one year of starting. Goals.

WNBA: Insane Caitlin Clark stat of the day: she’s only halfway through her rookie season and already has more career assists than 75% of ALL WNBA players. Fucking bonkers.

GOLF: What a wild ride for Hayden Buckley, who goes for a double bogey on one hole and immediately follows with a hole-in-one on the next.

Jon Rahm yells at fan during LIV event, calls them a fucking dickhead for talking in his backswing.

40% OFF EVERYTHING

You know what’s better than 30% off all apparel? 40% OFF all apparel. We are practically giving these suckers away for the next 24 hours only, so gets yours while you still can.

Personally, I’ll be rotating all three shirts in this bundle every Saturday for the foreseeable future. Just a way of life.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

There’s modern innovation and then there’s this fella who created the pizza wrapped hot dog at Costco. Give him a Nobel prize already. He deserves it.

Thanks a lot to the Wall Street Journal for slapping me in the face with this news alert Sunday night. Really made my Sunday Scaries extra terrifying

A United flight had to be diverted after a passenger had a ‘medical event’ so bad that multiple passengers and crew members puked all over the plane. I swear to god, if another one of you diarrhea’d on the plane, I’ll lose it.

MONDAY MOVE

Chin scratch really is the icing on the cake with this move. Extremely ponderous type shit.

I much prefer this move to the other type of personal calls I generally field at the office (debt collector calls, STD results, Planet Fitness harassment, etc.)

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This 6 pound desert cat is cute as hell and also the deadliest wildcat alive. Would absolutely get my hand bitten off by it.

• I still have no idea how David Blaine did any of his little tricks. Neither did Harrison Ford.

• The last time Americans have told pollster that they were satisfied with their lives was over 20 years ago.

  Why is everyone is so gloomy?

• Read this on your lunch break: whether its roller coasters, extreme sports or horror films, the human impulse to scare ourselves is strong.

• Fuck it, football’s hardest hits compilation. Because it’s Monday.

• Happy 200th Episode to the Red Flags podcast boys 🤝🤝 Enjoy the world’s hottest takes on another wild weekend in F1.