The Daily Friday: Monday 7/22

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Lebron James will be Team USA flag-bearer for Friday’s Olympics opening ceremony on the River Seine in Paris. In more important news, the ‘anti-sex beds’ are reportedly very easy to fuck on. LFG.

2. Secret Service chief to be grilled by a House committee today about the Trump assassination attempt, where the shooter had time for one last goon sesh and still got a clean shot. Not great.

3. Xander Schauffle wins The Open for his second major championship this year, as Americans sweep majors and have won 7 straight. Sucks to be Daniel Brown but at least he got a dart in.

4. Glen Powell’s ‘Twisters’ takes home $80 million, third largest opening weekend of 2024. Honestly, I was most impressed with this perfect shotgun he ripped on stage with Luke Combs. Very clean.

5. Biden stepped down. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

BIDEN STEPS DOWN

Yesterday, Joe Biden loud-quit his job as President and honestly, I’m kinda jealous. I might just not show up to work today and go party with him and Hunter. It is a White Boy Summer after all.

There is a ton of fall out likely to happen from Biden’s announcement and a lot is up in the air, but for now….LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• After weeks of pressure from Democrats, donors, and pretty much the entire world, Biden announced via Twitter that he will be withdrawing from the race and endorsing Kamala Harris. Sorry to her man, but I will be the first First Husband ever and nothing will stand in my way. I’d make you so happy, Mommala.

• Like the rest of the world, Biden’s staffers found out he was stepping down from Twitter. I find it a little hard to believe that he knows how to log in to his account, let alone send a Tweet, but whatever. Still fun to imagine his chief of staff finding out the news from Shams.

• Of course, Nick Castellanos responded in the only way that he knows how. If you need any proof we live in a simulation, look no further.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

With the DNC just a few weeks away, there’s still no definitive answer on how the nomination process will work.

• While early indications are positive for Kamala (who raised $50 million yesterday and has access to Biden’s massive campaign war chest,) there is the option of an open convention or more candidates throwing their hats in the ring. If the Democrats can’t pick one candidate, then 700+ “superdelegates” will vote until a candidates wins the majority. And you thought last season’s Survivor vote was tense (justice for Charlie.)

• Even if Kamala does get selected, Republicans will almost certainly challenge the nominee change in court and she’ll still need to pick a VP candidate. Caucasian James has my vote.

• The Trump campaign has already responded with a hit piece on Kamala, though surprisingly enough, Trump and his daughter previously donated to her California AG campaign. Not gonna lie, a debate between these two would electric and unhinged. I’m in.

For those keeping track: in the last 8 days, Trump got shot, we had a drunk singer perform the worst national anthem ever, a major IT outage that shut the world down, Biden stepped down, and Baby Gronk de-committed from Colorado. It’s gonna feel weird when we start living in precedented times again.

NBA: Shoutout Clipper’s owner Steve Ballmer, whose new arena will have t-shirt cannons that hit every seat, not just people in the lower level. Man of the people.

MLB: Shohei Ohtani hit this fucker out of Dodger Stadium for his 4th straight 30 HR season. Dude is an alien.

The Athletics reported haven’t landed any investors for their Vegas stadium and have put a gag order on groups trying to keep them in Oakland. Mafia shit.

TENNIS: You’re not gonna see a better shot than Quentin Haley ripping a winner while sitting on his ass.

WNBA: Caitlin Clark and the WNBA All-Stars beat Team USA. Smart move leaving her off the team. Don’t want to make the path to gold too easy.

SYDNEY SWEENEY SELFIE TEE

Just a really nice, normal t-shirt that you can wear around the house, to the office or even at a semi-formal wedding. Black tie optional means you can wear whatever you want right?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

New service lets rabbit owners have their bunnies ‘speed date’ to find mates. If Lola Bunny and Jessica Rabbit are in, I am as well. Not a specist.

Jojo Siwa says she wants triplets with 3 separates surrogates. Smart. This way you can have kids without quitting the 3 pillars of life: drinking, deli meats and deer tranquilizers.

The latest hot Tik-Tok trend is having a ‘Ben Affleck summer.’ If this includes sighly deeply, ripping darts, and getting banned for life from a Vegas casino for counting cards, I’ve been having a Ben Affleck summer for 10 years straight.

MONDAY MOVE

Can’t recommend this move enough. It’s so important to change venues during the work day and sucking down a sandwich in the tent aisle at Dick’s is the perfect place to do that. Honestly, might pull this one today.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Had no idea that the greatest show in TV history (Entourage) came out 20 years ago, but that just means it’s time for another rewatch. Here are the top episodes of all time. Oh Yeahhhh!

• Personally can’t think of a better place to hold the Arena Football Championship than a shopping mall in Jersey. Perfect ambience.

• This PowerSlap matchup is one for the ages. I think I’d get CTE in the middle of the fight.

• Read this on your lunch break: Costco in Cancun.

• The human brain is simple: you show me a video of a train running into a boulder at rapidly increasing speeds, I’ll watch it 15x in a row.

• AOC went on Instagram Live and talked about what goes on behind closed doors in politics. Kinda stunned she’s still alive.