The Daily Friday: Monday 7/8

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. The first Nathan’s contest without Joey Chestnut in years was still a success thanks to the big fella Airsoft Fatty puking his absolute guts out on stage. America is so back (we never left.)

2. Calls for Joe Biden to step down continue, with some Democrats suggesting a ‘blitz primary,’ moderated by celebs like Oprah and Taylor Swift. If Shane Gillis and Baby Gronk co-host, I’ll tune in.

3. Paramount and Skydance complete merger and David Ellison, the son of Oracle founder, becomes CEO. Kendall Roy is jealous af right now.

4. Boeing pleads guilty to charges stemming from two 737-Max crashes that left 346 people dead, will pay $240 million fine. Their criminal fraud budget has gotta be massive.

5. Michael Rubin had a party with famous people. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

CELEBS ARE PARTYING WITHOUT US

Michael Rubin had his annual All-White party in the Hamptons with 400 of the biggest celebrities in the world. Honestly? Kinda sounds boring as fuck.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Michael Rubin is the CEO of Fanatics. Every year he has a party with a guest list so exclusive that people offered $5M for an invite and were still rejected. Give that money to the Athletics instead. That’d basically triple their payroll.

• As a party favor, every guest got one-of-a-kind Travis Scott white Nikes. The perfect shoe to throw up on. Thank you Travis.

• This year’s attendees included a massive lives of stars, most notably Drake, who performed live. Coincidentally, Kendrick Lamar dropped his ‘Not Like Us’ music video in the middle of the party. I would absolutely be watching that in the bathroom while people free-based Ozempic next to me. Sorry Aubrey.

• One notable highlight: Damar Hamlin picked off Tom Brady in a beach football game. This is the Disney ending the Bills wanted last year.

Sure, the party probably had cool drugs and free stock tips, but I bet it was nearly impossible to find a cig or 3 other dudes to play beer die with. And you KNOW one of the Kardashians would put up a stink when you played your high school Hudl tape at the postgame. Stand down, ladies.

That’s not even mentioning the conversation. I have no idea what I would talk about with these people. If we can’t spend 20 minutes naming random athletes or quoting movies at each other, I’m completely lost. Would have no choice but to get blackout drunk.

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MLB: Cubs reliever goes to 60 day DL after punching dugout wall. That sucks, but it must’ve felt so good in the moment. Kinda worth it tbh.

All-Star rosters announced, with 32 first-timers, including Pirates’ Paul Skenes, making the team. I’m setting the over/under on Livvy Dunne crowd shots on July 16th at 150,000. Taking bets now.

Fan nearly falls into dugout trying to catch foul ball, loses his beer AND the ball in the process. To be that close to greatness and fumble it? Heartbreaking.

NBA: Bronny James makes underwhelming NBA debut, though you’d never know it from ESPN updates.

DeMar DeRozan is officially a Sacramento King and the interesting part of NBA free agency is now officially over. Maybe Shams can get some sleep now.

EURO: After a hectic weekend, 4 teams remain: Spain, France, Netherlands and England. Our prediction: it’s coming home. Book it.

OLYMPICS: Evan Fournier chokes Dennis Schroeder during friendly between France-Germany. Do me next Daddy 😈

Pretty mind-blowing how few Team USA players can spin a ball on their fingertips. I could make this roster, no problem.

WIMBLEDON: World #2 Coco Gauff falls to fellow American Emma Navarro in surprise 4th round upset while hot-girlfriend-haver Tommy Paul advances to face Carlos Alcarez in the quarters tomorrow. Good luck brother.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Need Sydney Sweeney to delete this post ASAP. I’ve been staring at it for 48 hrs and haven’t slept, eaten solids food, or blinked once. I need my life back.

Danny Trejo has still got it, throws punch at dude during a July 4th parade. That’s one 80-year-old that I think could physically handle being President.

Drugs disguised as Taco Bell burritos found during traffic stop. Should’ve just done drugs inside a Taco Bell like the rest of us. Pretty sure that’s legal.

Organizing a boy’s trip this summer to find the French ‘Excalibur’ sword that mysteriously disappeared after being wedged in rock for 1,300 years. No point in having mythical powers if you don’t have friends to share it with 🙏🏻

MONDAY MOVE

Take care of the people that take care of you. Make sure you don’t over-tip your landlord this month and save a little extra coin for the sound engineer at your next concert. It’s the right thing to do. CBTM.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This video is the definition of a consumption vortex. America rocks.

• Hawk Tua girl has a documentary and a reality show coming. I feel like a fucking moron for going to college and getting a job now.

• Read this on your lunch break: what the Internet looked like in 1994. Daily reminder to never take PornHub for granted again 🙏🏻

• NBA locker rooms are now full of the sons of millionaire NBA players and guys like Marcus Smart. Gotta be a wild dynamic.

• ‘Get Your Ex Back’ coaches charge $700 for session, but here’s some free breakup advice: get drunk and FaceTime your ex 100x a day. Much easier to not text them if you’re already blocked.

• Fuck it, every Devin Hester return touchdown. Happy Monday.