The Daily Friday: Monday 8/14

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. That MFer is real…ly hot. We have forgiven Tiffany Gomas, the viral crazy plane lady, after apology video reveals that she is crazy hot.

2. Zuck says he’s moving on from Elon fight since Musk is ‘not serious,’ Elon responds and calls him a chicken. Either fight, kiss or shut up. I’m over it.

3. Go absolutely off, king. Harden continues Philly trade demands, saying “Daryl Morey is a liar and I will never be part of an organization he is a part of.” Ok, teaaaa.

4. Bezos donates $100 million to Maui relief fund with girlfriend Lauren Sanchez but the big story is this rich girl found her Rolex. #blessed

5. Billionaire who spends $2m/year to slow down biological clock can’t find a girlfriend. LET’S HELP HIM OUT

But first…a reminder to our new email subs: BAR TAB WINNER ANNOUNCED TUESDAY MORNING. Refer your friends with the link at the bottom of the email for more chances to win.

Let’s hit it.

DATING TIPS FOR THE BILLIONAIRE WHO CAN’T AGE

Anti-aging billionaires deserve love too. My heart breaks for 45 year old billionaire Bryan Johnson, who spends $2 million a year to slow down his biological clock but still can’t find love.  

Last we heard of him, he was swapping blood with his teenage son and 70 year old father in an attempt to reverse aging (a process he has STOPPED because it somehow didn’t work.)

Now he’s back in the news after revealing his shocking secret…no one will date him.

Let’s help our boy out by breaking down what he’s doing wrong.

1. Giving partners a list 10 things they’re going to hate about him on a first date.

Self-deprecation is nice, but this too much. You always want to lie to romantic partners, ESPECIALLY at the beginning.

They should only find out your bad traits after they’ve developed feelings and told their friends and family about you. They’ll be too embarrassed to dump you for at least 3 more months.

Pro Tip: lie to your partners.

 2. Asking partners to sleep in a separate room to avoid ‘wake events’ 

Bro doesn’t like cuddling? Aside from the fact that snuggling is one of the truest joys known to man, it’s a bit of a hard sell kicking someone out the first night they sleep over.

I will say…‘wake events’ is a sick buzzword for waking up. I’m stealing this.

Pro Tip: keep saying ‘wake events’, stop kicking people out of your bedroom. 

3. Keeping track of how many erections he has throughout the night.

I’m starting to see why he wants people to sleep in separate rooms. It’s not exactly a turn-on for someone to mutter, ‘erection #3,’ the second that you start spooning.

Pro Tip: don’t count your erections.

4. Blocking off 4-5 hours a day for ‘concentrated thought.’

This is a lot of concentrated thought time. Leaves no time for scrolling social media, catfishing your enemies on LinkedIn and texting your Hinge matches. These are the things that make you a fully formed person capable of love.

Pro Tip: cut back to 2-3 hours of concentrated thought.

5. Claiming he wants to live to be 200 years old.

You’re asking someone to commit to you for the next 150 years or be prepared for you to die 100 years after they do. That’s too intimidating.

Tell them you don’t care how old you live to be, you just want to die in a hospital room holding each other, exactly like The Notebook. It’s important to come on VERY strong in a first date and set a high romantic bar that you’ll never meet again.

Pro Tip: Love bomb. Always. No matter what.

INVESTMENT BANKERS ARE MORONS

Makes total sense. I’m glad that bankers make 5x as much as school teachers. Teachers are smart but they give you homework (mean.) Bankers are dumb but give you stock tips (nice.) Everything is right in the world.

MLB: Livvy Dunne is reportedly dating Pirates #1 draft pick Paul Skenes in a desperate attempt for more attention from Baby Gronk. I give it 2 weeks until BG swoops back in.

This graphic from the Marlins game is actually stunning.

Tough Sunday for the Rays marketing team, as Wander Franco is accused of dating a 14 yr old on the same day the team gives away Wander Franco hats to fans under 14. Can’t make this up.

This is the shit you dream about as a kid. Orioles’ Cedric Mullens robs a HR in the 9th inning, then hits a game winning HR in the 10th.

NFL: The Ravens refuse to lose in the preseason, extending their winning streak to 24 straight games. Congrats guys, what a small deal.

Jameis is going to be starting for the Saints by Week 2. This kind of talent simply cannot be wasted on the sideline.

OTHER: McGregor announces fight with Michael Chandler in December, his first fight since January 2021 (excluding 2-3 brawls at funerals, bars, etc.)

After Mbappe passes on the $1.1 billion Saudi bag, Neymar appears to be scooping it up, reportedly signing with Al-Halil within the week.

Messi is just toying with MLS players at this point. Respect.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Letters reveal Barack Obama told ex “I make love to men daily, but in the imagination.” So? I do this with Nala from Lion King and it doesn’t mean I’m a lion-sexual.

Fuck gas station dick pills. Just get bit by the spider in Brazil that causes ‘long and painful erections’ before it kills you. Perfect way to go out.

Dream woman alert. Grimes reveals she “enjoys mansplaining,” and I just booked a table at Dave & Busters where I can explain NCAA conference realignment for 4 hrs.

Career update: I will be joining the police force so I can get assigned to a 21 Jump Street mission at this Texas high school. Place is nicer than my college.

MONDAY MOVE

Gonna be pulling this move at the office today, and frankly the entire week. Failure is inevitable in life. Spin-zoning is your most important skill.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Iowa State Fair this week. I’ll be tuning in for the husband calling contest.

• Cart Narc is a little snitch.

• ‘Rich Men North of Richmond’ has swept the nation.

• Illinois passes first law in the country protecting child influencers. Can’t believe it’s taken this long.

• Never related to anything more than this lizard trying to walk on a kitchen floor. 

• Want to puke your guts out? Watch this.