The Daily Friday: Monday 8/21

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Hurriquake rips through Southern California and residents are taking it very seriously.

2. RIP Cheems, the Shibu Inu meme dog from the ‘bonk’ and ‘cheemsburger’ memes that passed away last night. End of an era.

3. Fans swarm Jersey Shore restaurant where Taylor Swift attended friend’s rehearsal dinner and I am officially not jealous of her at all.

4. Elon wants to remove the block function on X, while admitting that the platform could easily fail. It’s a new thing every day with this guy.

5. Messi puts Miami on his back, scoring a goal and winning the League’s Cup title in his first year on the team. MORE INFO BELOW.

Let’s get into it.

MESSI MLS

The Messi Miami experiment seems to be working. On Sunday, Inter Miami won the League Championship, its first ever championship and a record 44th title for Messi.

It’s been just 7 games, but Messi has been absolutely dominating the league and could be changing the course of soccer in America forever.

Some insane stats from the GOAT.

• In 7 games, he had 10 goals and 3 assists and the team went 7-0. I’d say that’s some video game type shit, but I fucking suck at FIFA so that would be an insult. Regardless…that’s pretty good!

• Apple TV+ subscriptions to MLS Season Pass have doubled since he joined, which is particularly huge since Messi gets a cut of subscription revenue. Heartwarming to see the underdog combo of the world’s biggest tech company and most famous soccer players finally succeed.

• Ticket prices increased up to 1700% on resale sites, with field level seats going for as high as $16,000. I’d probably use that $16k for a 2020 Kia Rio (great gas mileage, dependable machinery, Bluetooth enabled media console) but to each their own.

• Inter Miami’s IG account has gone full blown influencer mode, growing to 14 million followers, while his pink jersey is the top seller on Fanatics and guaranteed to be a staple at every fraternity day drink.  

How does he do this shit?

THE RISE OF SUBTITLES

Maybe I’m old as fuck, but I’m team Never Subtitles. It’s distracting and throws the timing off if you read subtitles before the dialogue happens. Especially for a comedy movie or standup special; totally ruins the punchline.

Who wants to read when you can watch? Don’t understand.

MLB: Bryson Stott’s pencil bat at the Williamsburg Classic is some Savanna Banana’s shit. I’m with it.

Trea Turner is officially back, hits 2 homers off the same pitcher in the same inning. Last time that happened, ‘Low’ by Flo-Rida was the #1 song in America (it still should be if you ask me.)

Elly De La Cruz is the fastest man alive.

NFL: Myles Jack retires after Eagles stint, might become a plumber. Flexible hours, solid salary, working with your hands, and no CTE? Don’t hate that.

49ers fans are in midseason form, start massive brawl at preseason game. Only 2 more Sundays without NFL football boys.

NBA: Anthony Edwards scores 34 points and dominates down the stretch to help USA pull out W against Germany in final game before World Cup. He also was very good in Hustle, which I watched over the weekend. All in.

Zion is looking trim as hell. Once he stops knocking up porn stars, he’ll finally be ready to play a full NBA season.

YOUTH SPORTS: I’m just now learning there is another week of LLWS action. Is it just me or has this been on TV for the entire month of August? These kids gotta go back to school at some point right?

This dude is not even old enough to be bar mitzvah’d. Stunned.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Crazy Hot Airplane Lady is rebranding as an empowerment guru. She looks different in each new picture and I fully support that. It’s how we spice it up at home.

Gen Z has cancelled LOL in favor of new acronym: IJBOL. I Jerked Brian Off Loudly? Inflation Just Buoyed Oil’s Liquidity? Someone help.

Sage Steele claims 80 year old Barbara Walters elbowed her into a trash can while backstage at The View. Maybe the funniest visual of all time.

Post Malone lost 60 pounds and attributes it entirely to cutting soda from his diet. Wait what? How much fucking soda was this dude drinking??

MONDAY MOVE

Gonna start doing this at the office escalator. No shame in resting up before a big day of spreadsheets. Gotta be at peak performance and wasted energy is simply not an option.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• I want to see Royce DuPont make a Liver King video.

• Truly can’t believe that people like this exist.

• Had no idea that Sean Paul was such a goddam legend.

• Girl Dinner, Hot Girl Walk, Barbie: How Womanhood is Being Repackaged by Marketing.

• Really don’t understand how MLB players hit a baseball. Wizardry.

• Hey guys - don’t hit on people on LinkedIn.