The Daily Friday: Monday 8/5

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. US sprinter Noah Lyles wins 100 meter dash by .005 seconds, better known as a perfectly acceptable amount of time to last during sex. PS: this is one of the sickest photos of all time.

2. Stock market tumbles sharply over worries about recession while US deploys warships to Israel after Iran threats. At least the folks at Lockheed Martin are doing well. Someone’s gotta profit off WW3.

3. Kamala’s husband Doug Emhoff admits to affair with his daughter’s nanny during his first marriage. I’m withholding judgment until I see how hot the nanny is. Please respect my process.

4. Hurricane Debby makes downfall in Florida, could potentially be Category 1 storm. Anyone who’s been to spring break knows how devastating Debby’s can be in Florida. Stay safe everyone.

5. RFK Jr. just told the wildest story of all time. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

RFK JR’S DEAD BEAR PRANK

RFK Jr. just released a video on his Twitter of him telling an all-time classic story of him finding a dead bear, driving around with it in his car for hours, and then dumping it in Central Park and staging it as a cyclist accident.

I encourage you to watch the full video, but let’s break this down.

• In 2014, RFK Jr. was going falconing in upstate NY when he saw a woman in a van hit a bear cub and drive away. He decided to pick up the dead bear and put it in the back of his car so he could skin it and eat the meat later. Already relatable as hell.

• After a lovely day of hawking, he had to a run to a dinner at Peter Lueger’s Steakhouse, once known as the best steak house in New York. He didn’t have time to make it to his house, so took the bear to the dinner in the trunk of his car. So a dead bear has now been sitting in his back seat for like 6+ hours? That car has gotta reek to high heaven.

• Well, what do you know, the dinner ALSO went long and he had a flight to catch. He couldn’t make it back home in time and obviously couldn’t leave the bear in his car for multiple days, so he had to dispose of the body. Luckily he’s a Kennedy’s and great at disposing of dead bodies.

• Inspired by a series of bike accidents that had been making the news, RFK took the dead bear to Central Park, and left it next to a bike that he happened to have in his car (so his trunk is large enough to fit a bear carcass AND a bicycle???) The goal was to make it look like the bear was killed by a cyclist, which he thought would be amusing. That’s classic prank stuff right there.

• He woke up next morning to see that the story was fully on every news channel in New York as police investigated 1) why a bear was in Central Park and 2) how a bicyclist could have possible killed it. They eventually determined it was hit by a car, which makes way more sense than RFK Jr. dragging it across NY for 12+ hours and staging its murder. Honestly, it is kind of hilarious that this happened.

Each sentence of this story was a complete shock to me. Truly could not have seen any of these twists coming. Bravo.

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OLYMPICS: French pole vaulter’s massive hog costs him the gold. See Sarah? Bigger isn’t always better.

Everyone is under pressure at the Olympics, but no one was under more than South Korean golfer Tom Kim, who faces mandatory military service if he does not get a medal at the Olympics or Asian Games before he turns 35. And I thought my member-guest was high stakes.

Shoutout to Germany cyclist Nils Politt, who rushed into a crowded pub mid-race to take a massive stinking shit. Pooping a bar requires a special kind of bravery in the first place but to do it mid-Olympics? Pure heroism.

MLB: I have no idea how the Phillies’ Brandon Marsh pulled this one in. Kudos.

NFL: Believe it or not, we have a full slate of NFL preseason this week, starting Thursday with Carolina vs. Detroit. We’re almost home boys.

CFB: NCAA finds Michigan and HC Sherron Moore guilty of violating rules in draft of notice. How lucky for Jim Harbaugh to have left immediately before this happened. What are the odds??

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WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Breaking Bread? Catholic priest in Austria busted for cooking meth in church rectory, peddled the drugs in exchange for watching gay couples bang (kind of an incredible deal for any Austrian gay meth users out there.)

After seeing this cursed video, I am calling for an immediate shut down of all things AI until we figure out what the hell is going on. Full body shivers.

Learned a hard lesson last week: no matter how amazing it feels, do NOT put a live eel up your anus. It will chew its way up your intestines. Unagi DON’T.

MONDAY MOVE

You truly never know when the call will come from an international spy agency, so it’s important to always stay vigilant. Don’t let your skills slip for a second. Great batch of moves.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This is how it feels strolling into the office today (having a Razor scooter smash against your leg in 20 increasingly complex ways.)

• ‘Your favorite rappers are only alive because of us.’ Loved this long feature on rap security guards.

• Really considering moving to Switzerland so I can commute to work by floating down a river instead of sweating my ass off on a train.

• My new hero is 94 year old Lee Maxwell, who owns the world’s largest washing machine collection and museum. Great read.

• TBT to David Stern asking Jim Rome when he’ll stop beating his wife. Laughed out loud.

• Read this on your lunch break: with just $3,600 and Google, they bought enough ingredients to make $3 million of fentanyl.