The Daily Friday: Monday 8/7

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Make it make sense. Zoom is mandating in-person attendance for all its employees and the work from home era is officially over.

2. Big day of knockouts on Saturday, as Jose Ramirez ROCKS Tim Anderson’s shit at second base and USWNT gets bounced after Rapinoe misses PK in extra time.

3. Barbie clears $1 billion at the box office after 17 days, the fastest Warner Brother’s movie to do so. Is there a box office record this movie hasn’t set yet?

4. Jake Paul brings glory to YouTube forever, beating Nate Diaz by unanimous decision in an actually entertaining fight.

5. Musk vs. Zuck heats up, as Elon announces the fight will be live-streamed on X but that he will require surgery before fighting. MORE BELOW.

But first…a reminder to our new email subs: BAR TAB WINNER ANNOUNCED TUESDAY MORNING. Refer your friends with the link at the bottom of the email for more chances to win.

Let’s hit it.

MUSK VS ZUCK HEATS UP

Wait, could this shit actually happen?

It appears like we might be blessed with the fight of the century, after Elon tweeted (is still what we say?) the first significant update in weeks.

Fuck ya. Here’s what’s gone down since that announcement.

• Zuck replied like the sassy little boy that he is, asking “shouldn’t we use a more reliable platform that can actually raise money?” BURN.

• Elon claimed he is “lifting weights throughout the day, preparing for the fight. Don’t have time, so just am bringing them to work.” He’s your annoying coworker that brings a gallon of water to the office every day and won’t shut up about Crossfit.

• Zuck replied that he’s ready today and that Elon refuses to commit to a date. Last night, Elon posted that he’s getting an MRI of his back and neck and “may need surgery.” Sureeeeee buddy.

This dude is 100% gonna bail. This is classic faking sick behavior and I have to respect it. I wouldn’t want to fight Zuck either - the dude has a full Octagon in his backyard and eats 4,000 calories a day. 

SUITS IS SWEEPING THE NATION

I spent pretty much every free second I had the last 2 weeks binging Suits and I don’t regret a thing. The show is so so so bad but so so so good. I wanna negotiate a deal so bad.

Also, I fully get the Meghan Markle thing now. I totally understand, Harry.

Chart Source: Chartr.

MLB: Cincinnati Reds’ Lyon Richardson starts off his MLB career by giving up 2 HRs on the first two pitches of his career. Not great!

Stanton might be the fastest man in the MLB.

Tim Anderson is on his Antonio Brown grind after getting his shit rocked. Full blown CTE.

MLS: Messi is the greatest thing to ever happen to American soccer, scores his 7th goal (1) in 4 games. We are not worthy.

CFB: We have an early candidate for catch of the year out of Army camp.

NFL: Hard Knocks tomorrow. We’re almost there boys.

Unsigned Carson Wentz dressed like a human parlay to try and get signed. Dude stole my Halloween costume from 2006.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Fellas, want some easy points with the lady? Send this headline to your girl and say ‘I would do this for you.’ Just trust me.

Doja Cat looks absolutely stunning in this new selfie she posted. This is all the confirmation I need that aliens are living among us.

Kai Cenat issues apology after his PS5 giveaway leads to massive riot in Union Square. This is what happens when we let gamers outside.

Respect to the dude in the Alabama ferry brawl who swam across the water and came out swinging. That much physical exertion would actually kill me.

MONDAY MOVE

Biggest chop of all time. Look, this lady is technically right that it’s the same amount of waiting time. But imagine being behind her in line. You have to stand in the walking area now? You don’t get to feel the sense of accomplishment from moving up in a line 10 feet every 30 seconds?

Respect the rules of society just like a little bit. Everyone at the airport is 1 inconvenience away from losing their goddam minds and this doesn’t help.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Larry Bird was the greatest passer of all time.

• Ump cam is incredibly satisfying.

• One of the hardest pics ever.

• The point of no return for college sports.

• Did you know people only started saying ‘hello’ after the phone was invented?