The Daily Friday: Monday 9/16

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Donald Trump is safe after an assassination attempt at his golf course, the second in 9 weeks. FBI has charged a suspect and is investigating a motive. If he’s a Swiftie, we know this post had something to do with it.

2. Shogun breaks Emmy’s record with 18 wins and ‘Hacks’ upsets ‘The Bear’ for best comedy. I will be committing seppuku at dawn out of respect (I didn’t understand the show because it had subtitles and I’m constantly on my phone so this may not mean what I think it does.)

3. Disney and DirecTV finally make a deal after two weeks of negotiating, ending the blackouts just in time for college football on Saturday. I think the DirecTV CEO just really didn’t want to miss College Gameday this week.

4. Jane’s Addiction concert ends abruptly after lead singer Perry Farrell punches guitarist Dave Navarro. I think he’s just mad Navarro didn’t return to host Ink Masters this season. I get it.

5. UFC 306 becomes first live event at the Vegas Sphere, as Merab dominates O’Malley. The intro to the fight was one of the coolest things I’ve seen. We need every sport at the Sphere (yes, I’m including PowerSlap.)

NFL: Congrats to Will Levis for taking the photo of the week for the second time in a row. On an all-time run, can’t wait to see what next week brings.

My MVP of the weekend has gotta be the ref who somehow kept up with Justin Jefferson on this 97 yard TD. Someone sign him ASAP.

What the hell happened in Dallas? Alvin Kamara scores 4 TDs and the Saints go on the road and dominate the Cowboys 44-19.

Not sure this Caleb Williams stuff will work in the NFL, but at least the memes are good.

CFB: #1 Georgia hangs on against unranked Kentucky, pulls out 13-12 win. Mark Stoops robbed us of an all-time upset by being a massive coward with no backbone who history will never remember (I live-bet Kentucky ML and am still pissed.)

FSU paid Memphis $1.3 million to play them Saturday and lost 20-12. They desperately need this man to eat dog shit or they’ll go 0-11 this year.

Speaking of being paid to play, Wake Forest just paid $1 million to NOT play Ole Miss again after losing 40-6 on Saturday. Probably the right move.

MLB: Ronald Acuna’s littler brother gets first major league hit in the exact same way his brother did. 40-40 next year, confirmed.

Giants’ Helio Ramirez hits the first ever splash HR from a right-handed hitter at Oracle Park. Genuinely one of the most impressive things I’ve seen.

WNBA: Caitlin Clark drops 35 and sets WNBA rookie scoring record. My GOAT.

IT’S MENTAL HEALTH SEASON

When fall comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash a bit. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Baby hippo named Moo Deng has become the Internet’s latest star. Very round, constantly screaming or biting people, and sleeps 12 hours a day. I can relate hard.

Prince Phillip allegedly tried to meet with a man who claimed to be alien but was actually a Russian spy. This would work on me. Gotta at least see if he’s telling the truth.

Gotta respect this 3 year old tadpole that never turned into a frog. Probably still lives in his frog parent’s basement and smokes kelp all day. Stay a tadpole forever, Peter Pan.

Thank you to the doctor who recently discovered that human beings can breathe through their butts. Perfect excuse to break out the ass-less chaps this weekend. It’s for breathing purposes.

MONDAY MOVE

Currently on hour 48 of this gentleman’s ailment and there’s no end in sight. Thoughts and prayers are requested during this trying time.

Massive fan of this move. It increases the class factor on what is generally considered a shameful illness. Your boss can’t deny you a sick day for a gentleman’s ailment.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Football is all the way back. It’s time to find your new game-day shirt. Here’s what I’m going with but these will do in a pinch as well.

• Maybe I’m biased because I’m deep in an Entourage rewatch, but this video was an 11/10. Good job sir 🤝

• Read this on your lunch break: The Psychopaths of Tik-Tok.

• Sometimes in life, you see talent so breath-taking that you know your life is changed forever. This video is one of those moments.

• I’m the upcoming Netflix doc on the 2004 Red Sox comeback will be great, but it’ll never top ESPN’s ‘4 Days in October’ 30 for 30.

• Between now and 2026, over $1 TRILLION will move from Canadian baby boomers to their heirs, mostly millennials, transforming society. Should I move to Canada?

• Extremely pumped to see the new Batman spinoff The Penguin on HBO Max that premiers this Thursday and already has a 93% on Rotten Tomatoes.