The Daily Friday: Monday 9/9

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Kendrick Lamar will be performing at the Super Bowl halftime show this year. Drake only has to wait five more month until he’s called a pedophile in front of the largest captive audience in the world.

2. Kamala and Trump will debate tomorrow night on ABC News. I’ll be tuning in, not just for the memes, but also for betting research: a federal judge just cleared the way to legalize election wagers.

3. ‘Beetlejuice Beetlejuice’ brings home $110 million, third-largest opening weekend of 2024. Looks fire, but I prefer the stage version. Perfect date night if you’re into vaping, singing and OTPHJs.

4. OnlyFans founder paid himself $631 million over last 2 years and has made over $1 billion in dividends. You’re welcome bud (I am personally responsible for 1/10th of their income.)

5. Naval captain fired after illegally installing WiFi on his boat to stream sports and scroll social media. Honestly, I think this shows sound judgement. Boredom is the greatest enemy of any man and warships seem boring.

MONDAY MOTIVATION

Wanted to give a quick shoutout to my current Hustler of the Year: a woman who invoiced her sister $72 after babysitting her child for the following fees.

Really gotta respect this hustle. Charging a child essentially ¼ of your monthly Netflix subscription to watch one movie. Blaming her for wanting to go to the park (Victoria’s idea.) Invoicing both a WiFi and electricity bill for video games. Just a masterclass here. That will teach this kid to wash her hands after going to the bathroom.

My one note: charging someone the same rate for pissing the bed and using iPad wifi is insane. She’s gotta fix that pricing structure.

IT’S MENTAL HEALTH SEASON

When fall comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash a bit. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

NFL: Tyreek Hill scoring a touchdown after getting arrested 2 hours before was the easiest lock of all time. Loved this handcuff celebration afterward.

Tough day for Daniel Jones, who got heckled on and off the field by fans. Maybe try not sucking next time Danny.

Anthony Richardson is a goddam alien, man. Fully threw this 65+ yards off of his back foot.

LOT of fan fights at the Raiders - Chargers game, in the stadium, parking lot and then continuing after. Always fun going to work Monday with a black eye you got defending the honor of the most mid teams in the NFL.

CFB: Shadeur Sanders may have gotten smoked by Nebraska, but at least his rap song got a ton of streams in the locker room after. Spotify check is gonna be huge.

#5 Notre Dame falls to Northern Illinois on last second field goal. If you need a little pick me up this morning, this postgame speech will do the trick.

TENNIS: Both Americans fall in the final, as Italian phenom Jannik Sinner beats Taylor Fritz on the men’s side and Aryna Sabalenka avenged her loss in last year’s final by beating Jessica Pegula (at least the Bills won so her dad won’t be too pissed.)

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Kim Jong Un reportedly executed 30 officials after floods in North Korea killed thousands. Imagine the Sunday Scaries you’d get working for him? I get stressed at my job and there is only a small chance of execution if I mess up.

Sports bar in Dallas introduces new TV screens that look like the Vegas Sphere. Would love to rent it out and watch Skibidi Toilet for hours here.

Ana de Armas says her new movie with Sydney Sweeney has a ‘crazy threesome’ scene. That’s disgusting. I need to watch it in the theater in extremely high definition to make sure no one is jorking it like this guy.

MONDAY MERCH

It’s officially “sit on your ass and watch football on your couch for for the entire weekend” season. Snag our new apparel now to make sure your outfit matches your attitude.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• We need to decide more things in life with a pop-time contest with the boys. Always looking for a good excuse to get on the diamond.

• The story behind how Fox signed Tom Brady in the Great Announcing Swap of 2024.

• Read this on your lunch break: a man saved his town from falling into the ocean, even with the federal government trying to stop him.

• The 2024 Paris Paralympics wrapped up. Enjoy the best moments.

• A VERY exhaustive breakdown of who the greatest actor in movie history.

• New season of Almost Friday TV coming very soon. Enjoy one of our OG sketches while you wait.