The Daily Friday: Tuesday 2/20

Happy Tuesday. Yesterday was the last federal holiday until Memorial Day and thank god. A day without grinding and providing shareholder value is a day wasted.

Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Matt Gaetz is the horniest politician in the game, currently under investigation for paying women to join his sex parties. What’s the point of having taxpayer money if you can’t spend it on group sex?

2. The Choco Taco is BACK after being discontinued in 2022, thanks to the heroes at Taco Bell. Live Mas, Die Young. Always.

3. Trump drops $399 golden high-top shoes after being ordered to pay $355 mil in civil fraud case. If Tommy Boy can sell half a million brake pads to save Callahan Auto, Trump can sell 900k sneakers to pay for his lawsuits.

4. Good Luck Charlie actress launches space data startup, adding CEO to her resume that also includes pop-star and MIT PhD student. Truly a LinkedInfluencer’s wet dream.

5. I have found my early Hustler of the Year: the man who exploited a loophole to live rent-free in an NYC hotel for 5 years, then claimed ownership of the building and tried to charge a tenant rent. King.

GEN Z NEEDS TO START PARTYING

The solution to the loneliness epidemic is simple: teens need to be partying more.

Ripping cigs, pounding beers, and burning down is the only cure for loneliness and that’s proven by science (surveys.) It’s also legitimately a stepping stone to all the other categories in this chart.

The best motivation to get a part-time job? Weed money. Fastest way to get a teen into church? A lethal hangover that has them questioning their entire life. The easiest way to pick up a girlfriend? Look cool smoking cigs. Simple as that.

Is anyone on this email list willing to head down to their convenience store and buy beer and cigs for local teens? I would, but I have a lot going on and can’t really go to jail at the moment. Please reply ASAP.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

When the winter comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

NCAAB: Massive brawl breaks out after the Incarnate Word vs. Texas A&M Commerce game and I’m distraught. Hate to see my two favorite programs go at it like that.

NBA: Lebron says he’s “uncomfortable with accepting praise” and that when he retires, there’s a 50/50 shot he takes a farewell tour. Just a generational liar. Have to respect it.

NBA All-Star Weekend was extremely uninspired (can we fix this please?) but there was one highlight for me: Luka’s half court shots.

MLB: New career goal: get paid $38M/year for a job I hate as much as Anthony Rendon hates being an MLB player. Dude sounds like an accountant during busy season.

NHL: Utterly insane game in Minnesota featured 3 separate hat tricks and SEVEN goals in the final period for the Wild, who pulled off a 10-7 win. Chel on easy mode.

Laughed out loud at Jaromir Jagr’s retirement speech, when he said his girlfriend was “too young to remember when I played in Pittsburgh.”

The Stadium Series at MetLife was fun! Let’s do that again next year. I know the Empty Netters boys want to hit up the Cake Boss bakery again.

LACROSSE: A 45 year old father enrolls at North Texas to play goalie on the lacrosse team coached by his son. Imagine having to bench your dad?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

The NYPD deserves even more funding so their dance team can take their routine on a national tour. Taxes are a small price to pay for timeless art.

Australian show jumper nearly loses Olympic bid after rocking a mankini for an event. He deserves a medal for weathering that pounding to his testicles.

Sydney Sweeney calls out woman who claimed to be her dietician for 5 years, saying they have never met before. I love you Sydney, but please don’t take away lying on the Internet. It’s a lot of fun.

Thank god the NYPD had dance team practice and couldn’t stop these two dudes boning on the top of a subway train in broad daylight. Love is beautiful.

MONDAY MOVE (ON TUESDAY)

An extremely ambitious move but life is about pushing yourself. Greatness doesn’t happen in your comfort zone. Another A+ breakdown from Bobby. 

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Put these guys in the dunk contest next year. Reminds me of myself in pool basketball (unstoppable, dynamic, generational talent, etc.)

• How to not have your heart broken

• Man, take me back to the Lost City of Nan Madol, which was once considered the Venice of the Pacific. Simpler times.

• Transfixed by this man taking 50 shots of Patron to win $1,000 and then immediately getting hospitalized. Ronny would still beat him.

• Read this on your lunch break: the strange, turbulent, geopolitical life of ants. Shoutout the 1998 classic film Antz btw. Under-appreciated.