The Daily Friday: Tuesday 9/3

It’s another week in paradise. Here’s what you need to sound smart today.

1. Brothers and hockey players Johnny and Matthew Gaudreau were tragically killed by an alleged drunk driver. If you can, help contribute to the GoFundMe to support the family they left behind.

2. Brazil blocks Twitter nationwide after Elon refuses to comply with orders from top judge. Please figure this out before basketball season starts, guys. We need the T-Wolves Brasil account at full strength.

3. Conference realignment starts with a bang in CFB, as Big 10 goes 16-1, SEC had five 60 point wins and the ACC is ASS, capped off by FSU getting smoked by BC. This fan needs to eat dog shit or we riot.

4. Joey Chestnut sets new hot dog record on Netflix, demolishes 83 in his first competition against Kobayashi in 15 years. We don’t deserve the Glizzy God. Appreciate his greatness while you still can.

5. It’s a 4 day work week. Fuck yeah. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

ICYMI: on Friday, we announced that we are welcoming Johnny Manziel into the family and launching the Glory Daze podcast this fall. Until then, subscribe on YouTube and follow @GloryDazePod on all platforms.

Ok - back to the news.

SHOW THIS TO YOUR BOSS

It’s time, society. Enough is enough.

Nothing brings you back to the office full of rage like a nice long weekend. For once, you actually had time to rest. To do errands around the house. To think about going to the gym. To shove light beers and DoorDash down your gullet worry free, knowing you have an extra day to recover. Now that I’ve seen the light, I can’t go back to a normal 5 day week now.

To any and all politicians: help pass this 32 hour work week bill that is gaining momentum in Congress. I don’t care what party you are in, I will vote for you if you let me get paid the same to work less. Just a fact of life.

I will still probably complain about 32 hours, but whatever. We don’t know if we don’t try. Make it happen.

LET’S LUCY

Lucy is intelligent nicotine for adults, designed by scientists to deliver the most satisfying nicotine experience, and ALWAYS Tobacco Free. Whether you use nicotine to enhance focus, boost your energy, or relax: there’s a Lucy for you. They offer products from hydrating breakers, to pouches, to Lozenges, to gum, with individual servings ranging from 4mg to 12mg.

Personally, I like to go with the Wintergreen 12 mg pouches. Nothing brings me greater peace in life that lying on the couch after a long day of kinda working hard, popping a couple of these in, and re-watching Always Sunny for the 200th time. It just soothes me.

Warning: this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

CFB: Catch of the Year rankings are as follows: #3: Travis Hunter. #2: USC one-handed grab. #1: this INT from Robert Morris. Good luck next week.

Gotta hand it to JMU’s QB and his offensive lineman for this flop performance. That’s Damon and Affleck level chemistry.

Only in the MAC can you find vertical explosiveness like this. Respect.

MLB: Shohei Ohtani is simply not a real person, swipes his 46th steal of the year to go along with 44 homers. If he doesn’t get 50-50 this entire season is a complete failure.

This has gotta be the worst suicide squeeze of all time. And I don’t say that lightly (in HS, I missed a suicide squeeze in the state semi-final but the catcher dropped the ball so the tying run scored and we won in extra innings but everyone was still kinda pissed at me. So I get it.)

US Open: Sorry Coco Gauff, but if you want a real shot at winning the US Open this year, your dad needs to become a billionaire. It’s worked for Emma Navarro and Jessica Pegeula so far.

NFL: 49ers rookie Ricky Pearsall out at least 4 games after being shot. Guy like me wouldn’t have missed a single game (I would have died on the spot) but I’m built different I guess.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Yes, we are aware that Baby Gronk has released a Rizzler diss track. Our team is gathering internally to determine an appropriate response that inflicts the most damage possible while minimizing civilian losses. Stay tuned.

Got no respect for the woman who said Kanye telepathically told her to steal a car and a child. He does this to everyone; some of us can actually resist it 🙄

Police search for man who has repeatedly pooped on another man’s porch, for ‘no apparent reason.’ Why do you need a reason to do God’s work? #lethimpoop

A 57 year old Florida man was arrested for the 75th time at the same jail. Kinda like this move tbh. Why pay for rent when you can just get a furnished, one bedroom apartment with comped meals and in-building exercise facilities?

All whales go to heaven? A white beluga whale who was believed to be a Russian spy died this weekend in Norway. Rest easy, big fella.

MONDAY MERCH BUT ON TUESDAY

Summer is officially over and it’s time to move on to the best season of the year: hoodie season. Stock up on all your hoodies, crewnecks and more TODAY. Before it’s too late….

(That was meant to sound ominous but it probably isn’t too late to do anything. Still, you might as well just do it now, while you’re thinking of it. That’s a good way to approach life in general.)

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This dude is my hero. Exactly what I need to kick off this short week.

• Read this on your lunch break: How to Give Away a Fortune.

• Can’t tell which movie sports scene was more realistic: this Batwoman basketball scene or the baseball game in Twilight. Spot-on.

• Some very good marketing work here from an electronics store that let their Gen Z employees write the ad script. Say less.

• Glad I’m not alone in thinking that weed is way too strong now. Very hard to smoke without having a full blown panic attack these days.

• They need to bring back this MLS shootout format from the ‘90s for the end of games. Absolutely electric finishes.