The Daily Friday: Tuesday 9/5

1. Wild weekend in CFB as Colorado’s CB/WR Travis Hunter goes full Shohei Ohtani to bring home Deion’s first W, #9 Clemson shits the bed against Duke (28-9!) and FSU thumps #5 LSU. We are so back.

2. RIP to the legendary Jimmy Buffet, who passed away Friday at 76. We’ll never forget your Jurassic Park cameo and outlook on life.

3. Sansa is Single. Sophie Turner reportedly heading for divorce with Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam actor Joe Jonas. Dibs.

4. Iconic Smash Mouth lead singer Steve Harwell tragically passes away at 56 after liver failure. Shrek would not be the same without you.

5. Tragedy nearly strikes in desert as 70k people escape mud at Burning Man. Let’s get into it.

WHAT HAPPENED AT BURNING MAN

We almost lost Chris Rock.

Over the weekend, tragedy nearly struck at Burning Man, the annual festival where rich people pretend to be poor.

Here’s what you need to know.

• Burning Man is a music/art festival in the Nevada Black Rock desert where people don’t shower and still have group sex. It’s ‘anti-capitalist’ but tickets go for $575. Checks out.

• 70k people attended this year, including Diplo, Austin Butler, this guys’ therapist and a corporate lawyer who defended Nestle child slavery. Nightmare blunt rotation?

• Heavy rains hit Friday, turning the sand into thick mud and making driving impossible, trapping everyone with minimal food, water, and LSD. They could walk 5 miles to buses but that’s really tiring.

• The campsite became overrun with 3 eyed dinosaur shrimp, demolished porta potties, and a rumored Ebola/e.coli breakout that turned out to be fake. Even more tragic, influencers were unable to fulfill sponsored content obligations.

• While there was one fatality and Biden was briefed on the situation (would love to hear that phone call,) organizers claim it wasn’t a big deal and they’ll do it again next year. Whatever you say, guys.

FUCK THE CRITICS

Who gives a shit what the nerds think? Sandler movies always hit. The gap between critics and audience scores in Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison is despicable.

Also, Funny People is one of the most underrated movies of the era. Good balance of humor, heart, and depth. Doesn’t get enough love.

CFB: Glad to see South Carolina coach Shane Beamer take full responsibility for their loss, and not blame the chain crew for eating hot dogs.

A tiger can’t change his stripes and Urban Meyer can’t stop creeping on the ladies. Dogs will be dogs.

Big Turd Cock. I don’t care who you are, that’s funny stuff.

MLB: Fuck, I wish I was as cool as Adolis Garcia. Pimp job like you read about.

Not sure what’s a cooler stat: Kyle Schwarber hitting more home runs (40) than singles (39) or Twins’ rookie Royce Lewis hitting 3 Grand Slams in his first 8 games. Either way, that’s called knowing your lane and sticking to it. Elite.

This fan interview brought a big ol’ smile to my face.

US OPEN: US men have 3 players in the quarterfinals for the first time since 2005. Respect boys, but low-key pulling for another Djokovic vs. Alcaraz final.

Coco Gauff becomes first US teen to reach consecutive quarterfinals since Serena Williams 20+ years ago. Slay girlypop. Slay.

NFL: Two more sleeps until NFL. This is the only betting stat I need Week 1.

B-BALL: Team USA falls to Lithuania in FIBA Worlds, faces Italy tonight in quarterfinals. Get your shit together fellas. Don’t make me come over there.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Plane forced to land after passenger’s diarrhea dribbled all the way throughout the plane, creating a ‘biohazard.’ Happens to the best of us, keep your head up champ

Kanye and wife banned for life from Venetian boating company after public sloppy top incident. I guess being in love is a crime now? Let the man live.

I no longer believe in science. Researchers disproves ‘beer goggles effect’, claiming alcohol does not make others look more attractive. Shut up nerds, now none of us are gonna get laid.

Electric Zoo aka Gen Z Burning Man descends into chaos, as fans stampede gates after event reached capacity. Isn’t molly supposed to make you happy?

MONDAY MOVE

Elite move. Gotta make sure the butter doesn’t get a big head and the beers are getting the love they deserve. This is just Fridge Management 101.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Fuck it. Bob Cousy highlights (I could shut him down so easily.)

• This inmate has done 30 years in prison for murder. He’s spent it listening to Taylor Swift. Very good read.

• WILD footage of a gender reveal plane crashing while oblivious partygoers celebrate.

• Free this man who stole millions from billionaires while he was locked up.

• As if you needed any more proof that he’s an elite athlete, he’s footage of Jon Daly nailing a 50 yard field goal. Peak male form.