The Daily Friday: Tuesday 1/16

It’s Tuesday. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart.

1. Succession and The Bear win big at Emmy’s, while Better Call Saul does its best ‘90s Buffalo Bills impression, ending 6-season run with 53 noms and 0 wins. Loved this move by Rob McElhenney btw.

2. Donald Trump wins Iowa caucus in convincing fashion, as DeSantis takes second and Ramaswasmy drops out. The real decider of the election in November? Who can carry the most pizza boxes.

3. Bill Ackman will sue Business Insider for accusing his wife of plagiarism after he accused Claudine Gay of the same thing. Why are all the billionaires fighting online? Go do cool rich guy shit.

4. Mean Girls reboot tops the box office, though Lindsay Lohan is pissed about a fire-crotch joke in the film. Love you Lindsay, but that’s gotta be the nicest mean thing someone could say about you.

5. Veteran celebrates 101st birthday at Hooters. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

TIL’ HOOTERS DOES US PART

The world’s most wholesome horny guy just dropped.

Harry Perez Cerezo celebrated his 101^st birthday at Hooters and loved it so much, he openly wept and vowed to return for every birthday until he dies. Finally, a man who understand the importance of traditions.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• Cerezo served in both World War II (enlisted when he was 17!) and the Korean War, where he received a Purple Heart. After the war, he married his sweetheart and they stayed married until she passed away in 2018. This man has seen some shit. He deserves to see some honkers.

• He had never even heard of the Milker Mecca (Hooters) until his niece took him there for his 100^th birthday last year. He was so overjoyed by the experience that he literally wept. “I’ve never seen him cry and we saw him cry there. The tears just came rolling down.” This is a completely normal reaction to Hooters. Nothing to be ashamed of.

• Harry vowed to return every year for his birthday until he died, a promise that he fulfilled last week. While he was only able to take down 2 wings, he did suck down several cold ones, as he skipped his medication so he could ‘drink it up’ at his birthday. Took 101 years but he finally got his priorities straight.

• The secret to his long life? Avid exercise and mental stimulation, as he credits his daily routine of riding a stationary bike while watching Mexican soaps. You know he’s torqued up on that bike watching hot people smooch. Just saying.

This story is a healthy reminder that sometimes we can be so desensitized by PornHub, OnlyFans or Dua Lipa’s Instagram that we fail to appreciate how amazing Hooters is. Thank you Harry for keeping us grounded.

A GENTLEMAN’S TRAVELS

Love this move right here. Crafting a limited edition memoir for your family’s eyes only is classy to begin with, but making it leather-bound and titling it ‘A Gentleman’s Travels?’ That’s next level. If you don’t write your own story, who will?

This week’s motivation: live a life worth writing 600 pages about. Let’s get it.

MOTORBUNNY MOTIVATION

The world’s most powerful man endorses the world’s most powerful vibrator, so we do too. Supercharge your Monday with the Motorbunny.

NFL: Shoutout to the Bills’ punter, who pulled his hamstring running after a blocked field goal. Always nice to see yourself represented in today’s media.

Tough look for the NFC East, as Cowboys and Eagles become first teams from same division with 11+ wins to lose by 15+ points in playoff opener. Not good!

Mike Tomlin does notttt seem like he’s coming back next year. Jason Kelce definitely isn’t.

NBA: Respect to Kings’ head coach Mike Brown, who whipped out his laptop at post-game presser to show bad calls by referees.

CBB: First AP rankings of the season are released and U-Conn takes the #1 spot while Gonzaga falls out of the Top 25 for the first time since 2016. I know Adam Morrison is crying his ass off right now.

CFB: Caleb Williams declares for the NFL draft and the opportunity to completely destroy his career in Chicago. Good luck my guy.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Can’t wait to shoot 3-39 the Indy Airport basketball court, tear my hamstring, and then board a flight dripping in sweat. Sorry to my seat mate, but ball is life.

Woman sues Ozempic after complications from weight loss drug left her with lifelong diarrhea. I also have lifelong diarrhea but that’s because I’m addicted to dairy and haven’t had a vegetable in 7 years. Wish I could sue myself.

Shoutout to Gary Busey, who whipped out his full hog in LA to publicly piss in front of paparazzi. I feel like he’s constantly method-acting as himself.

Florida man arrested for attacking Subway worker with sandwich because they did not cut his footlong in half. Knowing Subway, that bread is hard enough to be a lethal weapon.

MONDAY MOVE (ON TUESDAY)

Hand clasp is always the move. Another great breakdown by Bobby. 

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The Friday Beers documentary rolls on, as we just dropped Part Two of How We Made the Best Tasting Beer in the World.

• This Ringer guide to the Top 10 Shows to Watch on TV is always a life saver. Very pumped to watch the new True Detective season.

• The world’s 5 richest men have doubled their wealth since 2020 while 5 billion people have become poorer. Very cool, very cool.

• Really enjoyed this video. Perfectly captures how I feel 90% of my workdays.

• The best thing about short stories is they are short. Here’s 10 to read in 2024.