The Daily Friday: Wedesday 5/17

Johnny Sins is America’s doctor (and plumber, poolboy, schoolteacher, stepdad, karate masters, pizza delivery guy, coop, and astronaut.)

• Martha Stewart is Legit Hot

• Dog DUI

• Top Names Throughout History

• What Else is Good: Snapchat model, Space marriage and Arrest Aaron Judge.

• This One Slapped

• Bring This Up at The Pregame

MARTHA IS MOTHER

81 is the new 18.

Well, it’s official: I am into octogenarians. This Sports Illustrated swimsuit photoshoot with 81-year-old Martha Stewart absolutely does it for me in more ways than one.

This is like 15% a sexual thing, honestly. Not a knock on her looks, but more of an appreciation for her generational staying power and versatility. She’s more multifaceted than Donald Glover, Shoehi Othani and Troy Bolton combined and that’s not an exaggeration.

She has checked off everything on the bucket list. Motherhood. Modeling. Media empire. Insider trading. Dating Anthony Hopkins. Snoop Dogg collabs. Babysitting for Yogi Berra’s kids in high school. The American dream.

You better fucking appreciate this woman while you still can or I am going to be really pissed with you. I’m serious.

MAN’S BEST FALL GUY

Free my dawg.

A Colorado driver tried to avoid a DUI by switching seats with his dog and claiming that his dog was the one driving, which is honestly too funny to be illegal. This man should be acquitted on confidence alone.

The fact that the dog was going to do a nickel for him really does prove they are man's best friend. There’s zero chance a cat would do this for you, let alone your so-called friends who “don’t want to get a DUI on their permanent records” and “refuse to take responsibility for one of the stupidest and most dangerous things you can do in this country.” Cowards.

This dog gets Cosa Nostra. And I find that beautiful.

A HISTORY OF NAMES

We touched on baby name trends in yesterday’s newsletter, but here’s a deeper historical dive. Shoutout Mary and David for an absolutely historic run. Gotta feel for Isabella: that name had a shorter title window than the 2011 Mavs.

NBA: Ja seems like he really meant his apology. Doc Rivers and Monty Williams get shit-canned. San Antonio wins the Wembayama sweepstakes. Jokic is really really really good. Miami in 6, book it.

NHL: The Empty Netters got you covered for all conference finals action.

MLB: Arrest Aaron Judge. Yankee’s pitcher Domingo German ejected for a sticky hand. Jorge Soler hit an absolute missile in a Miami walk off W.

Other: Relatable: Stetson Bennet went to college for 6 years and still didn’t graduate. Peacock is getting an NFL playoff game. The PGA Championship tees off tomorrow, minus John Daly.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• A Florida professor spent 74 days living at deep sea and I don’t give a fuck. Until he lives in a college off-campus house and has to wipe with Chipotle napkins since no one’s bought toilet paper in 3 weeks, I won’t be impressed.

• You can now get married in space for the reasonable price of $125k/person, roughly the same amount as one NYC wedding or 11 minutes of Sophia Richie’s rehearsal dinner.

• Love is dead. A woman was caught throwing 2 baby showers for herself with 2 different men in a true masterclass of hedging your bets. Respect the hustle but it’s time to focus on yourself, kings.

• A Snapchat model made $70k in 1 week by creating an AI of herself that talks to guys for $1/minute. I write a daily newsletter 3x a week and will never own property. We will both die one day.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Might’ve been the hardest I’ve laughed at anything in my life. Bravo Almost Friday Pod (sign up for their Patreon while you’re here.)

Keep pushing. One more day until there’s one more day until it’s Friday.