The Daily Friday: Wednesday 10/18

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Biden visits Israel amid hospital blast controversy and growing tensions around hostages. Still waiting for this guy to weigh in.

2. Britney Spears reveals in memoir that she and Timberlake had an abortion, and he has a tiny schlong (I wish this was real so badly.)

3. Time to get the brooms out? Rangers (kings of Texas) and Phillies (can’t stop hitting homers) go up 2-0 in the ALCS and NLCS. 

4. Jim Jordan fails in House Speaker bid, as one Republican rep votes for his friend instead ‘as a joke’ since the job ‘is so bad.’ Being House Speaker should be the new fantasy loser punishment.

5.  Goldman Sachs CEO will no longer DJ. LETS BREAK IT DOWN.

RIP DJ D-SOL

The day the music died.

The mid-life crisis of Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon has finally come to an end, as he officially will retire as DJ D-Sol and no longer perform at major events, as his music career has become a media distraction.

Here’s What You Need to Know.

• Solomon began DJing in 2015 and has racked up 550k monthly Spotify listens, with his song “Someone Like You” peaking at #4 on the Billboard Dance Club charts. He’s no DJ Press Play, but some of his songs do admittedly go hard. If he collabs with Two Friends and drops a Big Bootie Mix, I’ll finally be impressed.

• Since becoming CEO in 2018, he’s performed at Lollapalooza, an SI Super Bowl event, and a 2020 Chainsmoker’s concert that rampantly violated social distancing guidelines. He just got divorced and was trying to get laid ok? Let the guy party.

• He’s come under fire for his brash style, including reports that he bragged to colleagues “I bet I’m the only one here who got a blowjob last night.” To be fair, he probably was the only one of his married middle aged coworkers that got sucked off on a weeknight, but still. You can’t go full DJ. Not at the office.

• More importantly, the company is just straight up not having a good time, with profits plummeting by 33% and stock dropping 8.4% this year. Money is the most important thing, no matter what, at all times, forever. Don’t forget that.

RIP WESTERNS

I am stunned how popular Westerns were for the first 50 years of cinema (fancy word for movies.) Always knew that John Wayne was a big deal, but I didn’t know he had it like that.

Please let musicals die. I’ll never forgive Wicked for what it did to Ethan Slater’s perfect marriage 😔😔

MLB: Phillies fan gets ROCKED after running onto field. Gotta be the best part of the job for any security guard.

This Kyle Schwarber HR tied him with Reggie Jackson for most post-season homers by a leftie. Legend.

NFL: Eagles refuse to lose to the Jets ever again, sign Julio to one year deal. 

Stop calling this fan an industry plant and paid actress. She’s a hero.

Injury Updates: McCaffrey appears to avoid long term injury, Trevor Lawrence may be back for TNF, and Rodgers could return in DECEMBER?? If this happens, I’ll be substituting my yearly physicals for darkness/ayahuasca retreats. No questions asked.

NBA: Always cracks me up that Nikola Jokic treats the NBA like a boring office job he needs to pay rent while he spends his free time researching horses.

NHL: Really enjoyed this Empty Netters interview with Looch. Full pod is a must listen.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

A flight to London was cancelled after a passenger shat on the bathroom floor. Airplane bathrooms are way too small, I’m sure he just missed the target.

An Australian woman slept with 300 people in one year, a mere 298.75 more people than I did. Not to brag or anything 😏

Dancing with the Stars quarterfinalist and PBA star Terrell Owens was hit by a car after a dispute at a pickup game. Someone check on the car. TO is a tank.

Tommy Lee says he used to drink 2 gallons of vodka every single day until he sadly had to quit. Don’t worry Mr. Lee, we will carry the torch for you.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

The cameos on this one go crazy hard. Julian Edelman, Mark Cuban, that guy who ranks beers (think his name is Rusty or something?) The bar keeps getting raised on these long form YouTube sketches and I am absolutely here for it.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• This guy eating butter chicken is the most wholesome content on the Internet right now. Just the palate cleanser your need.

• My Dad, the Demi-God is a great read for anyone who’s lost a parent at a young age (behind a paywall, but can read on Incognito mode.)

• How Mr. Beast broke the economy. Sidenote - many people have told me that I look like him. Probably the most hurtful thing you could tell a person.

• Why you should live closer to your friends as you get older.

• The story behind Martin Scorsese’s most forgotten film.