The Daily Friday: Wednesday 10/25

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Meta sued by 42 states for knowingly harming teenagers and children and by myself for getting rid of Farmville on Facebook, right in the middle of harvest season. Fuck you Zuck.

2. Gaza relief operations and hostage releases remain in jeopardy as attacks continue. Ground News has the best fact-based reporting on the conflict.

3. Tom Emmers drops out of Speaker race 4 hours after being chosen (respect) as Mike Johnson emerges as new candidate. Fourth time’s the charm? Probably not.

4. Rangers and D-Backs advance to World Series. Sorry guys, but no one’s gonna watch that shit. Bud Selig never would’ve let his happen.

5. A pilot had the worst mushroom trip of all time. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

DON’T TRIP AND FLY

Think you’ve had a bad mushroom trip?

It was (hopefully) nowhere near as bad as pilot Joseph Emerson’s last Sunday, where a lethal combination of tripping fucking balls and being 10,000 feet in the sky led to 83 counts of attempted murder and a federal court case.

Let’s break it down.

• Emerson was off-duty Sunday, but riding as a passenger in the flight deck ‘jump seat,’ on a flight from Washington to SF. He was ‘incredibly sleep-deprived’ and decided to take psychedelic mushrooms for the first time to relax. Definitely the ideal conditions to start vibin’ on the ‘cybin.

• Halfway through the flight, in the middle of a casual conversation about the weather, Emerson abruptly said “I’m not ok,” reached over and pulled two red fire handles that cut off fuel to the engines because he ‘thought he was dreaming and wanted to wake up.’ Honestly, this is exactly how I would react in this situation. I get it.

• After they got him out of the cockpit, they put him in a passenger seat and he tried to open the emergency exit door (lowkey always wanted to do this) and told them ‘cuff me now or it’s going to be bad’ (ok ya little freak 😏) He let his intrusive thoughts win. We’ve all been there.

• He’s pleaded guilty to charges for attempted murder and reckless endangerment for everyone on the flight (83 people) and is seeking help for depression. I kinda feel bad for the guy but this is why you never trip without a sherpa and/or Aaron Rodgers to guide you.

AMERICANS’ BIGGEST FEARS

I gotta say, if you’re afraid of ZOMBIES, you need to get a grip. They’re just simply not real things that can harm you. As opposed to strangers, which are super real and super scary. They should be avoided at all costs.

Ghosts, on the other hand, are very real and also very not scary. They’re just a natural part of life. We’ll be ghosts someday so treat them with respect now.

MLB: Best ump cam I’ve seen in a while. Garcia is a fucking monster.

It seems like the D-Backs got Mad-Dog’s message. Retire old man! The future is now.

NBA: Laker currently on track to go 0-82, Lebron on pace to fall down 164 times this year. Are they tanking for Bronny Jr? Next on Undisputed.

Dwight Howard (!) sued by man for performing non-consensual oral sex on him (Howard says it was consensual) and bringing out another man dressed as a woman named “Kitty” during sexual encounter. Dude knows how to party.

CFB: Michigan has FOR SURE been stealing signs but who gives a shit? I’m with Matt Rhule - let’s get rid of those stupid sideline signs.

NFL: Chris Olave arrested for reckless driving and resisting arrest. This is just the natural human response to Derek Carr being your quarterback. 

Respect to Harrison Phillips for shooting his shot here. Cold world.

NHL: Avs may never lose again, win record 15th straight road game and go to 6-0 on the season.

This was very very very sexy goal. Very.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

There’s really no one in the game doing it like George Santos right now. I really hope they let him tweet in prison. This shit inspires me, not gonna lie.

African man has spent 55 years in isolation because being near a woman ‘terrifies him,’ a full 33 more years than my current streak. Heroic.

New favorite beer just dropped. Chinese worker caught peeing in tank at Tsingato beer factory and I can’t imagine anything more scrumptious.

Russia denies rumors of Putin’s recent heart attack and use of body doubles. I for one think that Putin is very big and strong and brave (please don’t kill me Kremlin, I might have kids one day.)

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Don’t go to dentists because they’re fake doctors and yell at me for dipping, but if I did, I would definitely go to this guy. Love small talk in general, but at the dentist? Can’t be beat.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• We’re living in the wrong timeline. Britney Spears was one of the final 3 choices for the lead in The Notebook.

• Lebron vs. Wemby: 20 years of Difference in the latest NBA “Chosen One.”

• This baby born with 2 functioning heads blows my (only) mind.

• Here’s what $11k/month gets you in NYC.

• Solving a cold case on your summer vacation? Could be the move.

• Tim Ferriss’ tips on morning productivity are actually very helpful.