The Daily Friday: Wednesday 1/10

Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. France’s new Prime Minister is 34 years old. Big whoop. Try getting really into IPAs and consider moving into your own place before realizing you can’t afford to like a real 34 year old.

2. Mom….Aaron Rodgers and Jimmy Kimmel are fighting! Can you guys focus on what’s really important: working together to bring back The Man Show? That was the first time I saw blurred out boobs.

3. SEC’s Twitter account was hacked, falsely posting that Bitcoin ETFs were approved. Kinda wish the hacker did something cooler, like tell us what stocks Congress people are buying. Tryna get rich here.

4. iPhone survives 16k foot fall from plane fully intact, yet mine stops working the second I drop it into the toilet after I fell asleep standing up at the postgame. Bullshit.

5. NYPD closes off illegal secret underground tunnels beneath Hasidic synagogue in Brooklyn. Damn shame. The Ninja Turtles will be trapped down there forever.

BRING BACK BERTHA

I make a bish moan like she Myrtle 😏😏😎😎

Drake, if you’re reading this, feel free to steal that. I think I just made that up but I probably didn’t. Oh well.

Regardless, names went crazy hard in the 1920s. I would rather meet a nice lady named Bertha or Ethel than the Kyleighs and Strawberry Rains we got walking around. Just how I feel. If you disagree, write your own newsletter. No one’s stopping you.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

When the winter comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

NFL: Titans fire HC Mike Vrabel, avoided trading him because ‘it was too complicated.’ NFL GMs are just like us: very lazy and terrified of paperwork.

Shoutout to former Steelers great and current Twitter legend Antonio Brown. Absolutely electric follow. Dude just gets it.

NFL sack leader TJ Watt ruled out for Sunday’s game against the Bills. Buffalo is really going to stumble into an AFC Championship game aren’t they?

NBA: Draymond Green says he considered retiring during his suspension and I don’t blame him. If you can’t punch people in the face without repercussions, what is even the point of playing in the NBA?

CFB: Congrats to Michigan for winning the national championship Monday night. Couldn’t have happened to a more annoying group of people 🙏🏻

CBB: Wild night in college hoops as #1 Purdue and #2 Houston fall to unranked teams. Is it officially time that time of year to start paying attention to college basketball?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Apple says new VisionPro will be released in February for $3,499. Small price to pay for porn so realistic you never have to speak to a person again.

Selena Gomez clarifies she was NOT talking about Kylie and Timothee at the Globes. Very glad that this information is currently taking up all the available space in my brain.

Third-party arbitrator ruled that reporter who was fired after his employer found clips of his stand-up online must be re-instated because ‘his jokes are funny.’ Being so funny it’s legally binding has gotta hit like crack.

50 Cent says he is practicing abstinence in 2024 because he “doesn’t have time to be distracted.” Stealing this the next time someone asks how my dating life is going. It’s not an 8 month dry streak, it’s a 8 month focus session.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

This made me cry. A part of me is pissed about that. I don’t like to cry.

But a part of me is happy. I got to feel something this week. Even if it was existential despair and/or a deep, overwhelming, melancholy. To quote Three Days Grace: I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all. Well said boys. Well said.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• What does the perfect webpage look like? Breaking down how the Internet has been remade in Google’s image (and why that’s not the best thing.)

• My roommate got his first TV writing gig for Jo Koy’s Golden Globe’s monologue!! It went super great.

• Why Lefty QBs are so Rare (because lefties are sinister devil spawn, duh.)

• Can’t wait to watch this Patriots dynasty doc on Apple TV. “We worked for Bill, we played for Tom.” - Danny Amendola 👀👀 

• Inside the CIA’s secret…creative writing group.

• Tiger and Nike have parted ways. This was my favorite commercial they ever did (RIP Earl Woods.)