The Daily Friday: Wednesday 11/15

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Congress passes bill to avoid government shutdown, moves on to Senate. Can’t believe they passed up a free vacation. Morons.

2. Deshaun Watson out for the year following shoulder injury. Couldn’t have happened to a better guy ❤️ Lotttt of massages coming.

3. Supreme Court adopts ethics code after multiple judges exposed for accepting improper gifts from billionaires. RIP to workplace perks.

4. Kim Kardashian on cover of GQ’s Men of the Year issue. I guess Hasbulla was unavailable? Make it make sense.

5. Politicians are ready to brawl. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first…we are rapidly approaching the biggest day in human history (11/20) and celebrating in a big way.  Go ahead and DM TASTY to @friday.beers to enter for a chance to win sick prizes, including a weekend trip with you and your friends to our bar in Nashville.

If you don't have any friends, I'll come with you. I am looking to upgrade my circle and you seem very chill. 

Let’s get back to the news.

LET POLITICIANS FIGHT

“Damn, American people, ya’ll gone make me act UP” – US officials this week.

I’m not sure what’s in the water, but our good leaders in Washington have regressed back to middle school, as a Senate hearing nearly descends into a duel, a GOP lawmaker gets elbowed in the kidney in the hallway, and MTG calls her coworker a pussy. Honestly? I’m kinda here for it.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• During a Senate hearing yesterday, Oklahoma Senator Markwayne Mullin challenged Teamster President Sean O’Brien to a fight in the chambers, telling him to ‘stand your butt up,’ and ‘if you want to run your mouth, we can be two consenting adults and finish it here.’ Bernie Sanders eventually had to step in, robbing us of a showdown between a former UFC fighter and a union boss.

• Senator Mullin was upset that O’Brien had sent a series of critical tweets, calling Mullin a ‘moron’ and ‘full of shit,’ ultimately tweeting to Mullin ‘you know where to find me. Anyplace, Anytime cowboy.’  To be fair, this is what should happen when you talk shit behind a computer screen. Imagine if you could do this to people who send passive aggressive emails?

• Since then, Mullin has reminisced fondly of times where caning and duels were used to settle differences in the Senate. Dude has been listening to way too much of the Hamilton soundtrack. Is he gonna punch a bursar next?

• Then yesterday, GOP lawmaker Tim Burchett claimed that former Speaker Kevin McCarthy elbowed him in the kidney in the hallways of Congress, calling it “a cheap shot.” McCarthy denied it and responded “If I hit someone, they would know.” TALK THAT SHIT. Let the old dudes fight.

• It’s not just the old dudes. Marjorie Taylor Greene has made headlines the past 2 weeks for calling fellow GOP Rep. a “pussy” and that he “lacks balls,” while attacking Beetlejuice hog-cranker Lauren Boebert and calling her a “whore” and “little bitch.” She definitely was a MENACE in AIM chatrooms back in the early 2000s.

The only solution I see is a fight night in Senate.

I’d love to watch it, but I think it’s best if we just close the doors, let them all beat the shit out of each other, and then never discuss it again. Then they can go back to stealing our tax dollars, visiting high-end brothels, and colluding with foreign governments like normal.

RAUNCHY STATE NAMES

It’s been a good run here in the big city, but I’m gonna pack up my things and move to Pee Pee Township in Ohio. It’s a simpler life out there.

Hell, I may even get frisky and start a rival town called Poo Poo Township, though it’ll always be a clear #2. We can exist in harmony, bonded by love of excrement and hatred for those sons of bitches across the border in Intercourse. Sinners.

PS - I am naming my first born Miccosukee and you can’t stop me.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

When the winter comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

NBA: Savvy move by Draymond here at the end, ducking the retaliation choke from KAT. That’s a man that knows his way around a headlock.

NFL: Everything is crumbling in Buffalo, as Bills fire OC Ken Dorsey, Stefon Diggs’ brother begs for him to be traded, and fans turn on each other in stands. CHAOS SZN.

What kind of loser wears underwear? Be a man. Free ball.

NHL: A man has been arrested in England in connection to the skate blade death of former NHL player Adam Johnson. Is it…the guy who flying bladed him to the neck? Seems like an open and shut investigation.

MLB: Shohei Ohtani among 6 players to reject qualifying free agent offers. He is so gone it’s not even funny.

CFB: Arkansas player apologizes for putting Polar Express on at halftime. Never apologize for spreading the true meaning of Christmas.

Arizona faces $240 MILLION shortage in budget due to miscalculation in financial modelling. Make me feel better about how bad I am at my job.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

This Jeff Bezos photoshoot pisses me off. Richest man alive pretending to be a working class ranch-hand. Go jerk off in space or something cool.

Disgusting. Paige Spiranac criticized for pic showing her booty cheeks on golf course. I’m only sharing it here so you don’t accidentally see it somewhere else. Please please please don’t share with anyone.

White House has released photographs of cocaine found in building in July, still hasn’t identified any suspects. My boy Chris is safe. Thank god.

A horse broke out of a plane’s cargo hold mid-flight, forcing pilot to turn around. That’s like Looney Tunes level chaos right there. As the old saying goes, don’t let a horse loose in a cargo plane.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Excruciating watch as always fellas. Well done.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Which of these upcoming Chris Pratt voice roles do you want to see most? I’m leaning Every Italian Alive.

• The Last Lighthouse Keeper in America.

• Huge if true: Will Smith’s former assistant and best friends claims he walked in on Will having ‘murderous anal sex’ with Duane Smith.

• The Loneliness of Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

• I desperately want to watch The Curse with Emma Stone and Nathan Fielder. Anyone got a Showtime account?

• Anyone else addicted to the New York Times Connections game?