The Daily Friday: Wednesday 1/17

It is Wednesday. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Ohioans may have to submit ID or age verification to watch porn. Shame. My fondest childhood traumas involved consuming life-altering porn (shoutout Cake Farts) before my brain fully developed.

2. A JetBlue and Spirit merger was blocked by regulators. Good for you, JetBlue. You have sick snacks and Young Sheldon always bumping on the TV consoles. Don’t let Spirit drag you down.

3. RIP Drizly, as Uber closes alcohol delivery app it purchased for $1.1 billion, throwing a wrench in my typical Sunday routine (rot indoors for 14 hours while spending $100+ for delivery booze and Chinese food.)

4. Elon wants 25% of Tesla, up from his current 13% stake. How does he have time to do ketamine with all these businesses? Focus on what matters man (k-holes.)

5. The Clippers are building a dope new arena. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

But first, a brief reminder that we have an insane referral program designed to get you sick prizes, like dinner at Chili’s, a $500 pregame or a weekend in Nashville. Start referring your friends so we can hook you up.

TOP STORY

Yesterday Adam Silver (tall, alien-looking NBA commissioner) announced the 2026 All Star Weekend would take place in the future of American sports arenas: the new Clippers Intuit Dome.

While there’s no word on if LA will add a basketball court to their airport like Indianapolis did to prepare for the game, one thing is clear: Steve Ballmer is pimping this new stadium the fuck out.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• This place is going to have a fuck-load of toilets. Like 3x the NBA average.We’re talking a 27-1 fan to urinal ratio boys. That is a LOT of pissing space. If that doesn’t get you fired up, listen to Steve Ballmer explain it. Trust me, it’ll get you ready to piss.

• The stadium will also have a 44k square foot LED scoreboard to watch cool highlights and an 88k square foot outdoor plaza where fans can publicly make out before games. I have no concept of how large either of those spaces are but i’m assuming they’re big. Big is good.

• Then there’s The Wall, a super fan section with 51 uninterrupted seats behind the basket and rules like no wearing opponent’s jerseys, no cheering for the opposing team, and no reselling of tickets to non-Clippers fans. I have zero idea how they’ll enforce this but go off. More stadiums should do stuff like this.

• Plus, fans who cheer the loudest and stand up the most will be rewarded with free merch. It’s a little weird they’re tracking that but Big Tech is already doing that shit anyways. Instead of getting served ads for lonely MILFS in your area, you get jerseys for players the Clippers will trade in 4 months. W.

This has really made me appreciate Steve Ballmer, who constantly goes ballistic, both on the sidelines and on stage during product launches. You can’t fake passion like that.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

When the winter comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

NBA: Jimmy Butler reportedly has written 60 country songs, and will release a full album once he’s written 200. At least half of those have gotta be Rachel Nichols love ballads right?

James Dolan sued for sexual assault by massage therapist who alleges he then set her up for a similar situation with Harvey Weinstein. Sell the team.

NFL: A huge factor for the Buccaneers to consider Sunday: how the freezing cold temperatures in Detroit will affect their game being played indoors. 

Falcons announce they interviewed Jim Harbaugh the day after Bill Belichick. Prediction: both of these guys will suck ass. That’s coming from a guy who was second team All North Jersey Division II Prep B football 10+ years ago. I know my shit.

MEDIA: Amazon purchases regional sports network Diamond Sports Group (Bally Sports) and now customers can watch more sports on Prime. Can we just stop re-inventing cable? It’s getting confusing.

TENNIS: Before he won $180k in the Australian Open, Sumit Najal said he had less than $1,000 in his bank account. Yes, and? I haven’t been in the Comma Club for more than 48 hours in my entire adult life. Don’t see me whining.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

YouTuber in Belgium arrested for absolutely classic prank of pouring poop on people. Can’t believe these innocent civilians fell for this. So freaking good.  

A chef cooked his cock and balls and served them to 5 guests. This better’ve been part of a larger tapas situation or I’d be pissed. Not enough penis to fill me up.

THIS LEAGUE. Guinness suspends Bobi ’s “World’s Oldest Dog” title amid speculation about his true age. If Pete Rose can’t be in the Hall of Fame, I don’t want this fraud in the Record Book either.

Whoopi Goldberg hints that she’s polyamorous, which is how I found out we’re not in a monogamous relationship. How could you do this to me Whoop?

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Dobby saw this clip from the good lads at Almost Friday Pod and said: “yup, that’s me. Whole ass mood.” And I did too. Well done.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Archaeologists discovered an ancient city in the Amazon by using lasers and it looks fucking sick. Take me back to BC bro. Simpler times.

• Adam Sandler in Space? Yeah….I THINK I’M GONNA WATCH.

• To own the future, read Shakespeare. Then read the Sparknotes after so you can understand what these little fucks are actually saying amiright?

• Anyone else been playing Contexto? It’s pretty addicting, even though today’s word was fucking bullshit.

• Fellas: if your lady asks you to peel an orange for her, just do it. No questions asked. You are being tested and I will not have you fail.