The Daily Friday: Wednesday 12/13

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Draymond Green ejected for the 3rd time this year and I feel for his anger management coach. Probably time for a new line of work.

2. Heir to Hermes’ fortune gifts entire $11 billion inheritance to his 51-year-old former gardener. This should be the Mr. Deeds sequel.

3. Wizards and Capitals move from DC to Alexandria, following in the path of every 28-34 year old consultant who ages out of Johnny Pistola’s and decides it’s time to settle down.

4. Zelenksy asks for $61 billion in aid for Ukraine, the equivalent of an entire 9 man starting lineup of Shohei Ohtani’s. Should be doable.

5. Climate summit ends with 200 countries agreeing to move away from fossil fuels. What are we gonna fight wars about now? We need a new Helen of Troy.

But first, a brief reminder to get your next case of Friday Beers before our guy Ronnie drinks them all. Just simply built different.

If you’re in Boston, find yours at the link below and reply to this email if you want them in your city 🤝

MOST WATCHED NETFLIX SHOWS

Netflix released its first ever engagement report and I’m starting to think I’m taking crazy pills. I’ve never met a single person who watches The Night Agent. I genuinely have no idea what it is. Is he an agent who works nights? An agent of the night itself? Is he Matt Damon? I’m not going to watch or do any research but I just don’t like being confused.

This is sort of like when you watch football on CBS and see NCIS: Miami and The Equalizer are the #1 shows on TV. If this is what the people want, then so be it. We’re already living in the hallucination of an advanced AI species that recently discovered psychedelic mushrooms. Might as well pop on some Young Sheldon and survive the horrors.

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NFL: The legend of Tommy Cutlets continues to grow, as Devito wins NFC Offensive Player of the Week and his family wins tailgate of the year.

Justin Herbert gets season-ending surgery for broken finger, bringing the total backup QBs expected to start this week to 11. God hates fantasy owners.

NBA: Jokic gets tossed from Lakers game with one of the softest ejections of all time. Would’ve loved to see what would happen if this went down in Serbia.

The Suns have yet to play a game with Bradley Beal, Kevin Durant and Devin Booker in the same lineup. Love the NBA regular season 👍🏻

MLB: Shohei Ohtani will be deferring $68 million of his $70 million/year salary until the end of his contract in 2034. Our planet will be entirely under water by then and mollusk shells will be the new currency, but go off king.

OTHER: Super Bowl winning QB Nick Foles is the modern day Jim Thorpe, wins gold medal in professional pickleball tournament.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Can’t wait to drink an entire bottle of Doritos-flavored booze and prove to my stepdad Greg that I’m a real man this Christmas. Fuck you Greg.

Hell hath no fury like a Santos scorned. Former NY Rep. is going after everyone in Congress after being expelled and starting with GOP Rep. Nicole Malliotakis’ insider trading. Burn it all down.

Genius move: this lawyer got free passing lessons and detailed analysis of basketball checking etiquette from former All-NBA player Ja Morant.

Moody’s Point star Amanda Bynes debuts new look to go with her new podcast. I will support anything this woman does but this might test me a bit.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

A golden leaf on the tree of human evolution. Poetry 🤌🏻

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• RIP to Andre Braugher, who played Captain Holt from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Legend.

• Our most searched for Christmas gifts this year. Was yours on the list?

• To Catch a Catfish breaks down a detective who took down romance frauds like the Tinder Swindler. Good long read.

• Watch Vlady Jr. hit missiles with a metal bat during your next shit break. Very soothing.

• Who’s Afraid of Lorne Michaels? Pretty much everyone.

• 12 year old Mohamed Dabone is 6’9, 280 pounds and going to be a problem in the NBA in about 8 years. He’ll still make less than Shohei.