The Daily Friday: Wednesday 12/20

Everything you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Trump removed from Colorado ballot in lawsuit filed by 6 Republicans. Sucks for him: Colorado is the best state to get handjobs at the Beetlejuice musical. More for the rest of us.

2. Jonathan Majors fired from Marvel after convicted of assaulting ex-girlfriend. It’s ok, he can always sign with the Hornets.

3. Tinder releases $500/month premium option and I need the credit card right now, Dad. It’s very important.

4. A list of Epstein associates will be released in January, could contain 170+ names. Imagine if Taylor Swift was on that list? World would explode.

5. Congress passed record-low 27 bills this year. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

CONGRESS CAN’T DO SHIT

2023 was a record-setting year in Congress and not in the good way. A year marked by an ‘actively stupid political environment’ led to a historically low 27 total bills being passed, which is honestly just impressive.

To be fair,  they had way a ton on their plate this year.

Let’s take a brief tour through what the good corrupt folks in Washington were doing this year besides their jobs.

House Speaker Appointment: After 15 rounds of voting, Kevin McCarthy was finally selected as House Speaker in January. Very glad they took their time, as McCarthy lasted a full 10 months before he was removed for a guy who has zero assets (hmmm) and is a porn accountability buddy with his son. Father of the Year vibes.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert had an eventful year, as she was called “a little bitch” by Marjorie Taylor Green in June, just a few months before she publicly cranked the hog of a Democratic drag queen bar owner at a Beetlejuice musical. She still found time to sleep through a vote and try to impeach Biden and Kamala Harris twice. Ok busy bee!

A fire alarm was pulled by Democratic Rep. Jamaal Bowman of New York during a vote on a bill to fund the government and avoid a shutdown. I’m honestly jealous; I’ve always wanted to do that. Jamaal would have been a legend at my high school.

George Santos established himself as a world class liar who will eventually take down the entire system. (His interview with Ziwe is actually incredible. Comedically evil man.)  

It’s not just Congress. The Senate couldn’t get their shit together either.

An Oklahoma Senator told a witness to ‘stand your butt up’ and fight during a hearing, Mitch McConnell couldn’t stop freezing (or cumming his brains out tbd) and they spent 2 weeks deciding on a dress code that failed to address DeSantis’ big boy boosted boots. What a waste.

Just give us what we really want next year: information on what the hell is going on with the UFOs and aliens. 

IS ANYONE STILL PLAYING WORDLE?

Real ones have moved on to the NYT Mini Crossword and Connections game, which got way harder but still has me hooked: it’s the only time I get to look at my phone and feel productive (besides watching porn of course.)

I do miss the days when everyone was dropping their Wordle scores in the group chat every day. We haven’t been that united as a nation since we decided to stop Kony in 2012. We need a new Kony (minus the public jerking.) Someone step up.

GIVE YOURSELF THE GIFT OF THERAPY

The holidays can be stressful. Praying your card doesn’t get declined while shopping for everyone on your list. Trying not to get too drunk at your office holiday party. Figuring out how much to tip your landlord. It’s tough. 

Give yourself something to help you manage the stress of the holidays, and set you up for a great year ahead: therapy. 

With BetterHelp, it’s flexible, affordable, and entirely online – so you can start start talking about your hangxiety from the holiday party in minutes. You don’t have to deal with the headache or trying to find a therapist with availability, driving to and from appointments, and paying out of pocket for individual sessions. 

Focus on what matters most: getting the help you deserve. 

Sign up with code FRIDAY 25 for 25% off your first month today. 

NBA: Ja Morant is back from suspension and already hitting buzzer beaters and setting extremely specific records. Inspiring stuff.

NFL: Aaron Rodgers says he won’t play this season, but like totally definitely would have if the Jets made the playoffs. Sure bud. Same.

Hard to not blame Ray Bradberry for the Eagles’ last drive on MNF.

CFB: As a Jets fan, the QB matchup in last night’s UTSA vs. Marshall bowl game made me feel something.

NHL: Why moving the Caps to Virginia would be horrible.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Miranda Cosgrove says she’s never smoked or drank, mentions nothing about doing whippits with the boys while watching Red Zone. Interesting.

Mobster has ‘no regrets’ after son’s Twitter post led to arrest, says ‘it was a great photo.’ Agreed. Freedom is temporary, great photos last forever.

Beautifully said. Eric Adams describes 2023 in one word and I’ve never been more convinced he’s a lizard dressed in human skin. Must watch. 

I think I owe Em-Rata an apology. I forced her to leave the Knicks game early last week so we could go kiss on the lips together and now she can’t get comped tickets anymore.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Just another installment in one of my favorite ongoing series. Nothing gets guys to open up to each other quite like banging bodies in the low post. Real.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Shoutout to Isaac Asimov. The legendary sci-fi writer’s predictions for the future from 40+ years ago are scary accurate.

• What are farm animals thinking? Kind of a lot actually!

• Bill Gates’ predictions for 2024 are heavy on the AI.

• SNL can be hit or miss but their annual Weekend Update joke swap always hits.

• Footage of the Icelandic volcano exploding is actually insane.

• In an All-White vs. All-Black NFL game, the whites would be thin at corner but dominate the kicking game. That’s where the real battle is won.