The Daily Friday: Wednesday 12/27

In case you’d completely lost track of time the past week, a brief reminder that today is Wednesday. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Switzerland is considering legalizing cocaine in Berna. Boy’s trip to the Swiss Alps to ski and then ski? If they legalize public defecation and insider trading, I’m in.

2. Spirit Airlines puts unaccompanied child on wrong flight home for the holidays, completing ripping off Home Alone 2. Sidenote: this is probably exactly what happened to Amelia Earhart. Shame.

3. Wander Franco on the run from Dominican authorities, who have raided two houses to try and find the former Ray. He’s probably chilling with Karl Malone waiting out the Epstein list drop. He’ll turn up.

4. The Color Purple brings in $18 million, second-largest Christmas Day movie opening ever and biggest since 2009’s Sherlock Holmes. Makes sense; these movies are exactly the same.

5. The Chinese chess community should be ashamed. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

ANAL BEADS STRIKES AGAIN

The hallowed world of Chinese chess is in shambles after a massive scandal involving anal beads, a hotel room turd and thousands of dollars in prize money owed to its 2023 champion, the 48 year old Yan Chenglong.

The Chinese Xiangpi Assocation (CXA) has mistreated of one of the great champions of the modern era and everyone involved should be ashamed.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• On Monday, Yan had his title stripped when he displayed ‘extremely bad character’ after his victory by getting drunk with his boys and defecating in a hotel room bathtub. I don’t know how else you’re supposed to celebrate a Chinese chess championship. Genuinely at a loss here.

• The CXA also had to address rumors that Yan used anal beads to cheat during this tournament, by ‘clenching rhythmically to communicate information about the chess board via code to a computer.’ This is now the SECOND anal beads chess cheating scandal this year which begs several question:

  1. Who the fuck came up with the concept of using anal beads to cheat in chess? And what is their contact information?

  2. How much trial and error was involved in this process? Was the butthole the only orifice explored? Were anal beads the only instrument utilized?

  3. How can I use rhythmic anal beads for my own personal gain? I have a court ordered defensive driving test in January that I would love to not have to study for.

  4. Will historians look back on this anal-bead era of chess like the Steroid Era in baseball or will we appreciate the ingenuity displayed by our mental athletes?

• The CXA couldn’t prove Yan cheated but still stripped him of his prize money for the whole shitting in the bathtub thing, which is an absolute disgrace. I knew China was a prison, but I didn’t know it was this bad.

I propose we do a prisoner exchange with Britney Griner again and bring Yan to America so he can party like a free man. It would be huge for national morale.

WOMEN LOVE WHIMSY

For those of you who are not chronically online, this is a photo of Ethan Slater (Broadway’s SpongeBob Squarepants,) and Arianna Grande (person who told us Pete Davidson has a 14 inch hammer schlong.) This is their first public photo since they divorced their spouses to bang each other back in July.

That’s not that important. What is important here is the message of this photo.

It doesn’t matter how tall you are, whether you dress like a 13 year old boy getting picked up from a bar mitzvah in 2011, or if you are happily married with children. If you have a song in your heart and can do a SpongeBob voice, any woman alive will desire you. Just the facts of nature.

Boys, it’s time to break out that North Face fleece that’s been sitting in your childhood bedroom closet and sign up for tap-dance lessons. 2024 is the year of whimsy.

WORLD’S MOST COMFORTABLE JEANS

Is there anything better than a good pair of jeans? You know that one pair that has the perfect combination of comfort, fashion, and versatility? The kind you wear so much it feels like part of your body at this point?

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, you’ve simply never tried Mugsy jeans. 

Fun fact: I have 2 pairs of Mugsy jeans and they’re the only pants I wear from September to April. They’re comfortable enough for when I work from home, professional enough to wear to the office, and stylish enough to rock at a fancy dinner or cocktail party if I’m feeling like a bad boy. 

Ever since they re-invented the jeans game in 2015, Mugsy has worked with some of the best designers and manufacturers around the world to deliver the finest quality fabrics for your jeans, chinos, tops and joggers. That’s pretty chill.

Plus, first time customers can get 20% BACK on their first order right now.

Smash that link, enter your email and the discount is automatically added.

NBA: Pistons make history and lose 27th straight game. At this point, just get Air Bud on that team and start moving tickets. Truly nothing to lose.

NFL: I’m so sick of hearing about how Brock Purdy is so poor that he has to have a roommate, drive a Toyota Sequoia and can’t buy Christmas gifts. You make almost $900k a year, get a grip man.

Wild stat: 58% of the teams in ESPN fantasy football finals have Christian McCaffrey on their team. What a dumb sport (I came in 11th this year.)

CFB: We are about to enter peak bowl season this week. Here’s some big matchups over the next two days to distract you from the horrors of life.

• #15 Louisville at USC; Tonight, 8 pm EST.

  • Has Caleb Williams been holding the Trojans back? Yes.

• Texas A&M at #20 Oklahoma State; Tonight, 9 pm EST.

  • A&M is down 13 transfer portal players and still favored? Hammer Oklahoma State.

• #18 NC State at #25 Kansas State; Thursday, 5:45 pm EST.

  • It’s the Pop Tarts Bowl. We gotta support America’s #1 pastry.

• #14 Arizona at #12 Oklahoma (Thursday, 9:15 pm)

  • There might be 0 punts this game. Over looks tasty.

As always, visit the good Dr. Locks for all your betting needs this holiday season. He’ll fix you up right.

THESE ONES SLAPPED

If you have to work a full day today, do yourself a favor and stop. Like right now. Tell your boss you quit, update your resume, throw your computer in the ocean, and then head over to Almost Friday TV, and enjoy a solid 2 hour journey through the best that YouTube sketch comedy has to offer. Enjoy.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Mingus Reynolds is my GOAT college Wild West Mobility Shooter. Untouchable.

• You kind of have to respect this dude and his cardboard cut-out girlfriend. Worth watching until the end. That’s commitment.

• The Oral History of the Wolf of Wall Street is just as crazy as you’d think.

• This video of our solar system hurtling through space really fucked me up good. Where is the sun taking us??

• The gambler who beat roulette has me re-thinking my entire casino strategy.