The Daily Friday: Wednesday 1/3

Welcome to 2024. Here’s what you need to know to sound smart today.

1. Kimmel threatens to sue Aaron Rodgers after QB says that Jimmy will be on the Epstein list. That’s exactly what someone who was on the list would say. And also exactly what someone who wasn’t on the list would say. I’m confused.

2. Best Buy is removing physical media from stores. Go shoplift unrated DVDs to watch at a sleepover with the boys while you still can 😔

3. Harvard president resigns amid plagiarism accusations, rocky testimony. Her tenure lasted 6 months aka 6x longer than it took my ex to find a new, hotter and more sexually potent man. Congrats Sarah and please text me back.

4. Sen. Bob Menendez (D) faces new accusations, allegedly received F1 tickets and cash in exchange for speaking positively about Qatar. Honestly, a sick deal. Worth it.

5. The king of darts is a 16 year old from England. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

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LET’S GET INTO TODAY’S NEWS.

THE KING OF DARTS

Clear your schedule for this afternoon: it’s time to watch a 16 year old X-Box loving, kebab devouring, darts prodigy compete in the finals of the PDC World Darts Championship in England.

Over the past 2 weeks, Luke Littler has stormed the darts world and rapidly become my favorite athlete in recent memory. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

• Since the tournament started on 12/15, Littler has eliminated big names, including 5-time champion and his childhood hero Raymond van Barneveld, and pocketed 200k for making the final. If he wins today, he’ll take home 500k, good for one dinner with Jay-Z.

• He’s so well known for his post match routine of treating himself to a kebab and a can of Tango, that he’s already gotten free kebabs for life and a potential gig touring Turkish resorts as a kebab taste tester. This kid is literally living my dream right now.

• Littler has been a darts legend for his entire life, having won 12 youth titles before turning pro on his 16th birthday. He threw his first dart when he was 18 months old, which is simply insane. Can kids even stand at that age? (I know nothing about children I’m realizing.)

• The dude just lives to dart. Luke describes his daily routine as ‘wake up, play on my XBox, have some food and have a chuck on the board, go to bed and that’s it.’ Have a chuck on the board is a sick way to describe darts. Stealing that.

Coverage starts at 2:30 pm EST on DAZN (if anyone has a login let me know ASAP.) While you wait, enjoy this highlight reel of PDC fans going nuts. What an electric environment. We need to go cover this next year.

TROY BOLTON JUST GETS IT

New Year’s Resolution: do shit like this way more often.

I’m sick and tired of playing it cool all the time. You know what’s cool? Showing how freakin’ pumped you are to be alive on God’s green earth by doing a 5 foot jumping heel click in front of 3 lovely ladies (while rocking an iconic fit to boot.)

Just look at how Sharpay, Vanessa Hudgens and that other chick are looking at him. People respond to passion. Don’t be afraid to let yours show this year.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

When the winter comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

NBA: If I had Wemby’s height, athleticism, shooting touch, and French accent, I would absolutely NOT let this shit happen. Sad to see.

NFL: Panthers owner David Tepper has been fined $300k for throwing a drink at a Jags fan from the owner’s box. If that drink hit me, I’d be currently 72 hours into faking a coma. That lawsuit could create generational wealth.

NCAAB: Caitlin Clark drops 40 points and drills a game-winning 3 pointer at the buzzer. LOUD swish sound. 

NHL: We need more fish tunnels. That’s something we can all agree on.

UFC: Connor McGregor is BACK, announces rematch with Michael Chandler in June at 185 pounds (they normally fight at 155.) TBT to when McGregor almost died taking a photo with Putin. Just cuz.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Wholesome: my girlfriend bought 100 of these on my credit card and has been in a separate (locked) room sniffing them for hours.

We have our first entry in the 2024 Horny Awards: First Take’s Dan Orlovsky, who sniffed co-host Molly Qerim’s shoe. Rex Ryan’s influence is crazy.

Gypsy Rose is out of prison and already defending her husband, who has been piping her down something fierce. Happy king, happy kingdom.

Mickey Mouse has officially entered the public domain, leading to at least 3 slasher horror films. I swear to God, if anyone makes these into porn, I need you send me the links so I can make sure no one else watches it.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

I love this new series from Bobby. Rusty is just the tip of the iceberg - everyone in the Friday Beers office is in desperate need of psychiatric help and Bobby is the man to do it. He doesn’t need a ‘degree’ or ‘certification’ or ‘permission.’

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Kinda love this trust fund rule: before you get married, you have to spend a year of no-contact with your fiancee or you forfeit your inheritance. This should be a rom-com ASAP.

• Want to feel something today? The quote-tweets on this thread about art pieces that devastated people will do the trick.

• The Case for Hanging Out: how to deal with a growing friendship crisis in America.

• After watching this clip of the Harbaughs after the Michigan win on Monday, everything makes sense.

• ICYMI: Let a Naysayer Know is already my favorite clip of the year.