The Daily Friday: Wednesday 1/31

1. Elon is no longer the richest man alive, after Delaware judge rejects his $56 billion (!) Tesla bonus. Ok, this explains why he Venmo requested me after our Chipotle run yesterday. I gotchu bud.

2. Baltimore Orioles sold for $1.7 billion to financier David Rubenstein. I KNEW I should’ve co-founded a private equity firm in 1987 and exited with enough funding to purchase a franchise. Fuck.

3. Viral Stanley cup tumblers have lead in them. Experts say there’s nothing to worry about but the Cup Wars have already begun. Where will you stand as the battle rages?

4. The entire Internet trauma-dumped on Elmo and honestly, it felt good. Thanks for checking in Elmo. Means more than you’ll ever know.

5. Amelia Earhart’s plane may have been found by explorers after it went missing 87 years ago. Man, I really hope she’s doing ok.

TRADER JOE’S AWARDS JUST DROPPED

Look, these chips are good. No doubt about that. But you can’t put snacks in the same category as Trader Joe’s frozen meals. It’s just wrong.

Frozen meals are the entire point of shopping at Trader Joe’s. They have the perfect combination of taste, affordability, healthiness and ease of cooking. Nothing makes you feel more like a real adult than tossing one of these bad boys on a pan for like 4 minutes and feeling like you cooked a real meal.

You can get chips anywhere. You can only get top shelf frozen meals at Trader Joe’s. And that’s final.

YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS

When the winter comes around, it’s normal for the ol’ mental health to crash hard. It’s cold, it’s dark, and sometimes you just wanna curl up, look at pictures of your ex and her jacked new boyfriend on Instagram, and hate yourself until you go to sleep.

Happens to the best of us. For me, the only thing that makes me feel better (besides hitting all 7 legs of my NFL parlay) is talking it out. With a trained professional.

With BetterHelp, you can get matched with a therapist in less than 48 hours. No more waiting days, weeks or even months to find someone.

Sign up with code FRIDAY25 for 25% off your first month today.

NBA: Ben Simmons returns for the first time in 38 games and nearly drops a triple-double in just 18 minutes. Ready to be hurt again.

If Embiid misses 5 more games (he re-aggravated his knee last night) he’s ineligible to win MVP. Gotta be way smarter with your PTO. Not even February.

CBB: We may have a Top 5 curse on our hands this year, as #3 North Carolina and #5 Tennessee fall to unranked teams. Honestly, I’m still like 2 weeks away from paying attention to college basketball but Dr. Locks is dialed in.

NFL: Boomer Esiason is the clear-cut enforcer for the NFL scriptwriters, nearly had to fight a belligerent Ravens fan who got in Bill Cowher’s face after the Chiefs game and claimed Cowher helped rigged the playoffs. Touch grass guys.

Important stat: no Alabama player has ever scored in the Super Bowl, a streak that will continue this year as the Chiefs and Niners have zero Crimson Tide alums. Nick Saban’s career was officially a complete and total failure.

HOCKEY: This guy who drives the Zamboni for his club hockey team is the definition of glue. This is why that term was invented.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Steve Jobs would use a ‘beer test’ during interviews, where he’d grab a beer with candidates to see if they were a good fit. Unless this was a ‘12-19 beer + 4 cigs + handicap stall trip test,’ not sure I’d be a great fit.

Proud of the guy playing Marvin’s Room so loud it shook a building. Sure, the breakup stings, but now you know you’re capable of experiencing love strong enough to crush you when it’s gone. Pain is what lets us know we’re alive.

Model demands airlines make bigger seats to accommodate her massive butt. I also have this issue (I constantly stuff tons of liquids, gels and aerosols under my jeans and go through TSA just to feel a rush.) Thanks for speaking up.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Most realistic AF Podcast character yet. Every Chick-Fil-A employee acts like they have a sniper trained on them at all times in case they forget to say ma’am or please. Great customer service is not an accident.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Elon Musk’s brain chip company Neurolink has its first human recipient. He’s not doing ok.

• Some very good t-shirt designs just dropped in the Friday Beers shop. I need that HorNY shirt like I need to breath. Grab yours now. 

• The potent pollution of noise: how Earth’s acoustic environment has been altered by noise. Nature was healing, we’re still the virus.

• Stephen A Smith’s breakdown of the best athletes in Spongebob and who would be the starting QB goes very hard.

• I really enjoy Ryan Broderick’s newsletter Garbage Day every week. This week’s edition on the border crisis, Stanley Cups and Taylor AI controversy was great.

• Man wanted by cops after uploading video of himself riding motorcycle from Colorado Springs to Denver in 20 MINUTES, averaging 150 MPH. The video is strangely calming.