The Daily Friday: Wednesday 2/14

1. Madame Web is out today, and the nerds are calling the film starring my two future girlfriends Dakota Johnson and Sydney Sweeney the ‘worst movie of all time?’ Not on my watch.

2. Uber, Lyft, and DoorDash drivers are striking today to demand better pay conditions. Can they wait until tomorrow? I’d rather not starve to death alone in my apartment on Valentine’s Day.

3. Today is Ash Wednesday and the start of Lent. Pro-Tip: tell your bookie that you’re giving up gambling and you won’t be paying the $850 you owe. They’re usually pretty respectful about it.

4. Dem. Tom Suozzi wins NY election to replace George Santos in the House. You may fill his seat, but you can never fill the hole he left in our hearts 🙏🏻

5. It’s Valentine’s Day and over half of Americans aren’t married. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.  

HAPPY SINGLE AWARENESS DAY

It’s Valentines Day and if you’re alone, don’t worry. So is pretty much everyone.

LET’S BREAK DOWN SOME KEY STATS.

No One is Getting Married: For the first time in US history, over 50% of Americans over the age of 18 are unmarried, up from 22% in 1950.

Dude, can you imagine being a single 23 year old in 1950 and almost 80% of your friends are already married? Wtf would you even do? There’s not even Red Zone or cool porn to occupy your time.

There’s Plenty of Fish in the Sea (And New Mexico:) The good news about everyone being single: it’s much easier for you to get laid. Especially if you’re willing to relocate to New Mexico, the state with the highest rate of single people and also hard drug abuse (it’s not NOT correlated.)

For the fellas complaining about ratio: head to Washington, DC where there are 8 single guys for every 10 single girls. If you can’t find a goth big titty girlfriend there, I can’t help you.

Step Up Your Hinge Rizz: It’s now more important than ever to take sicks pics of you holding up fish that you caught for your dating profile, as over 40% of people find love on dating apps.

Don’t sleep on the most likely path to long term happiness for dating: meeting through a friend.

Is Dating Worth It?: Right now, 43% of young women are NOT interested in dating (serious or casually) while 34% of young men feel the same. People point to having other priorities, difficulty meeting people, anxiety and fear of rejection, tying to the overall “Loneliness Epidemic” that our Surgeon General states is as dangerous as 15 cigarettes. 

That’s a bummer. Hanging out with people fucking rocks. Text your friends guys. Even if you met them black out drunk. 

COMMENCE SOCO SOUR SUCKDOWN

For your next pregame, watch party, throwdown, or whenever you’re in the mood to be So Tasteful, plan to pick up some SoCo. And the next time you’re at the bar, go-ahead and order some SoCo Sour shots. On me. (just kidding. But maybe though.) 

Created in 1874 with an innovative blend of stone fruit and spices, SoCo Whiskey is the ORIGINAL ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own and ideal in any mixed drink, Southern Comfort is tasteful and approachable however you drink it and whoever you drink it with. 

My personal favorite blends? It’s a two-way tie between the SoCo Original and SoCo Black. Either way you can’t go wrong.

When you hit that happy hour tonight, make sure you….order a Soco Sour. One Part Soco + Two Parts Sour Mix.

Southern Comfort, Spirit Whiskey with Natural Flavors and Caramel Color, 35% and 40% Alc/Vol, Sazerac Company, Louisville, KY

NBA: Knicks submit a formal protest to dispute loss to Houston after referees admit game-winning free throws came after incorrect foul call.

The last time a protest was successful was in 2008, when Shaq was DQ’d in a Heat game with 5 fouls. They replayed the game months later, but Shaq had already been traded to the Celtics so didn’t play anyways. The more you know.

MEDIA: ESPN and the College Football Playoff announce a 6 year, $7.8 billion deal to make ESPN the exclusive home to the new 12-team tourney. Finally, a win for the largest network in sports media history.

NHL: Leafs’ Morgan Reilly suspended 5 games for checking the shit out of Ottawa’s Greig after he scored an open-net goal in the final seconds. Let the boys crosscheck! Absolutely was deserved.

GOLF: Tiger Woods announces new clothing brand Sun Day Red after ending Nike partnership and I’ve never been this fired up from a golf shirt ad. LFG.

CORNHOLE: Winthrop University has awarded 2 D1 corn-hole scholarships to high schoolers and it’s now confirmed: my future son is going to be tossing bag from the second he’s born.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

3 mansions valued at $13 million+ are in danger of falling off a cliff in SoCal. This exactly why I don’t own an 8 figure home on the coast. Only reason.

Jay Leno is a legitimate sorcerer but might be cursed with the least useful gift ever. Do you think he stores his power in his chin?

Larsa Pippen and Marcus Jordan have broken up due to his father’s disapproval of the relationship. Pippen can’t get a ring without MJ. Some things never change.

Josh Brolin is writing poems to Dune 2 cast to memorialize their time working together and I’m jealous as fuck. I’d much rather a coworker write me a poem when they quit than invite me to a Tuesday night farewell happy hour.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

We are so back baby. This made me feel something I haven’t felt in a longgg time.

Season 2 of Almost Friday TV sketches drops today with new sketches every 8 weeks (subscribe here.)

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Sit back and watch the Almost Friday channel on FreeVee during your lunch break today. Tell your boss I said ti was ok.

• This feature on Bill Ackman is a great profile. Dude is nuts.

• I’ve seen this summary of the Harry Potter series at least 3x and died laughing every time. Basically the British version of this gem.

• The video representation of NYC’s evolution from 1543 -2023 is fascinating.

• Read this on the shitter: The Way of Shai.

• Jon Stewart is BACK on the Daily Show and going after both Biden and Trump for the rematch that no one wants. Needed this.