The Daily Friday: Wednesday 2/21

1. Beyoncé hits #1 on the country charts with her new single, Texas Hold ‘Em. Does this mean Jay-Z will win the Super Bowl next year? Not sure how it works.

2. Potential Discover and Capital One merger could lead to higher fees for credit card users. Fuck it, drinks of me tonight. I’m already so far gone, I might as well set a record for world’s most credit card debt.

3. A new Project X sequel is in the works and could star an all female cast. Honestly, recreating Project X parties could fix the teenage Loneliness Epidemic. Green light that shit.

4. Sydney Sweeney will host SNL on March 3rd. I’m so glad we can finally share this news with the world, babe. Love you so much.

5. Study shows that male and female brains work differently. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

MALE VS. FEMALE BRAINS

Bring this up the next time your girlfriend gets mad at you for not wiping properly and constantly stinking to high heaven of human shit leaving the toilet seat up.

A Stanford study was just published showing that biological sex is a factor in how male and female brains develop, as opposed to strictly societal based expectations.

Massive disclaimer that I am not a science guy, but fuck it, LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Previous studies have shown that men and women’s brains do behave differently. For instance, women are likely to be depressed, while men are more likely to be addicted. As someone who is both of these things, this is very confusing for my gender identity.

• However, some scientists had attributed these differences to the influence of societal gender roles (vs. pure brain function) until Stanford developed an AI, machine-learning program that could identify ‘hot spots’ and predict with 90% certainty if a brain was male or female, which contradicted those claims. This is what we should be using AI for, instead of shitty art and deep fake porns.

• The differences between male and female brains impact how they view themselves, interact with people, and remember shit. The hotspots occurred in 3 areas associated with the following things:

  • Default mode network: Sense of self (I generally rely on Buzzfeed quizzes for this, but science works too.)

  • Limbic system: Memory and Emotion (two things I actively suppress until I am 11 drinks deep.)

  • Striatum: Learning (this is what happens after Vyvanse.)

• Why does this matter? While scientists don’t know why men and women have different brain functions, determining that they do have them can help treat issues appropriately.

  To quote an actual smart person (the study’s author): “identifying consistent and replicable sex differences in the healthy adult brain is a critical step toward a deeper understanding of sex-specific vulnerabilities in psychiatric and neurological disorders.” Got it? Good.

Give the full study a read if you’re interested. Your brain can learn about what a machine invented with our brains thinks about other people’s brains.

COMMENCE SOCO SOUR SUCKDOWN

For your next pregame, watch party, throwdown, or whenever you’re in the mood to be So Tasteful, plan to pick up some SoCo. And the next time you’re at the bar, go-ahead and order some SoCo Sour shots. On me. (just kidding. But maybe though.) 

Created in 1874 with an innovative blend of stone fruit and spices, SoCo Whiskey is the ORIGINAL ready-for-anything spirit. Satisfying on its own and ideal in any mixed drink, Southern Comfort is tasteful and approachable however you drink it and whoever you drink it with. 

My personal favorite blends? It’s a two-way tie between the SoCo Original and SoCo Black. Either way you can’t go wrong.

When you hit that happy hour tonight, make sure you order a Soco Sour. One Part Soco + Two Parts Sour Mix.

Southern Comfort, Spirit Whiskey with Natural Flavors and Caramel Color, 35% and 40% Alc/Vol, Sazerac Company, Louisville, KY

NCAAB: I’ve never hated a job as much as Rick Pitino hates coaching St. John’s basketball. You gotta admire the honesty at this point.

Fans storm court after #15 Creighton knocks off top-ranked U-Conn and Dan Hurley was ready to knock out some teenagers. Big East is back.

NFL: The Patriots lost an all-time glue guy this week, as special teams ace Matthew Slater retires after 10 Pro Bowl and 5 All-Pro selections. Put him in the HOF.

Justin Fields unfollows the Bears on Instagram. Out of solidarity with Chicago, I will now be unfollowing the girl I matched with on Hinge in 2016, never met up with, but still watched her life unfold over IG stories (shoutout her husband Mark and infant son Jason.)

NBA: Giannis is just like your grumpy dad who insists that basketball hasn’t been the same since Larry Bird retired: he doesn’t watch the NBA anymore.

Victor Wembanyama continues to defy the laws of physics and treat NBA games like he’s in the stirring Act 3 climax of the 1996 classic Space Jam.

CFB: NCAA approves 5+7 model for new 12 team playoff, which will include 5 automatic bids for conference winners and 7 at large bids. So 8 SEC teams?

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Sorry boss, but I won’t be at work Friday. I’ll be at the candlelight vigil being held for the demolition of a Hooters in Charleston, WV. Please respect my privacy.

Well, this sucks. A town just shut down an adult diaper spa and I really wish I hadn’t just bought a hundred boxes of Depends and moved to New Hampshire.

Very proud of SBF for making friends in jail. Sure, they all call him ‘weird as shit’ and ‘creepy,’ but that’s just what friends do in my experience.

Machine Gun Kelly gets 70% of his body tattooed and I’m not impressed. I’ve gone through much more painful shit in my life (gave up nicotine for Lent and had full body seizure from Zyn and vape withdrawals. Barely blinked.)

THIS ONE SLAPPED

I sat here for 2 hours trying to think of the perfect comeback to this video and I couldn’t. Another masterclass from the Kings of YouTube, Almost Friday TV.

Subscribe now for new sketches every Wednesday or regret it for the rest of your life. You don’t want that.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Do you like free shit? Same here. That’s why I always toss on the Almost Friday channel on SlingTV or FreeVee.

• The behind the scenes from TNT’s Inside the NBA is exactly what you’d expect. I’m team Chuck, always.

• Some very important FAQs about the Jennifer Lopez movie.

• Read this on your lunch break: Life aboard a nuclear submarine as US responds to global threats around the world.

• Impress your definitely real girlfriend with this summary of the viral 52 part Tik-Tok series from a woman who wonders Who TF Did I Marry?

• We met the NYPD Dance Team choreographer.