The Daily Friday: Wednesday 2/28

1. Wendy’s introduces surge pricing model and it’s time to go full Wolf of Wendy’s (buy all the Baconators at 7 am, hold until they reach market cap at 12 pm, then sell for massive gains on the secondary market.)

2. Apple cancels 10 year electric car project the same day that Mark Zuckerberg is spotted making Katanas in Japan. Coincidence? Probably.

3. Biden and Trump win Michigan primaries, though “Uncommitted” ballots garner 11% of votes. Seems like everyone also recently rewatched ‘No Strings Attached’ on Paramount+ (it holds up btw.)

4. Diddy sued by a male producer for sexual assault, with lawsuit suggesting Meek Mill and Usher as potential victims as well. Seems like he was playing himself in Get Him to the Greek.

5. Kate Middleton has been missing for 2 months. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

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WHERE IN THE WORLD IS KATE MIDDLETON?

This is the first time I’ve cared about the Royal Family since I finished bingeing Suits (shoutout Louis Litt. You’re a real one.)

Kate Middleton, the wife of Prince William and heir apparent to the throne, has not been seen publicly since Christmas following a routine ‘abdominal surgery’ that generally requires 2 weeks of recovery.

After William cancelled an appearance at his godfather’s memorial due to ‘personal reasons,’ the Internet soon became obsessed with finding out the truth, with several conspiracy theories that are definitely true.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN

Here are some leading theories online that are absolutely accurate no questions asked.

She got a BBL surgery.

The timing makes sense (these surgeries take 2 months to recover from in my experience) and Prince William absolutely has the look of a man who craves a thick, juicy, medically altered ass.

Plus, there’s the added benefit that she’ll get to look great at King Charles’ impending funeral. This one has legs.

She got lost in the fake Wonka AI exhibit in Glasgow, Scotland.

Probably the most likely theory at the moment. For those who aren’t chronically online, this article does a good job of breaking down one of my favorite stories at the moment.

If this is true, I genuinely fear for her life. Few who enter the fake Wonka AI exhibit make it out alive.

She got bangs and is waiting for them to grow out.

This happened to me when I gave myself pube bangs in college one time. Couldn’t let a woman see my undercarriage for weeks.

Understandable theory, but honestly? I think she’d look great in bangs. No need to hide them from the world.

She is Banksy.

Ok and? Banksy is one of my least favorite people of all time. Art is dumb to begin with, especially art with a message. Just consume media for the rest of your life as aliens farm your brain to fuel their spaceships like the rest of us.

She helped Taylor Swift and Joe Biden rig the Super Bowl while making COVID in a lab in China, turning the frogs gay, staging the moon landing and Hitler is still alive. Also the Earth is hollow and flat.

And then she got murdered because she knew too much.

The least likely scenario? She is still recovering from a medical procedure and needed a bit of time away from the spotlight.

DANCING > > SSRIs

It turns out that the best cure for depression is boogeying your little ass off on the dance floor. This has confirmed my belief that there is a direct correlation in the fall of the popularity of the Cha-Cha Slide and the rise in depression.

Today, if you’re feeling down, make it your mission do the Charlie Brown at least once. I promise it’ll turn your day around ASAP.

NFL: Tyrek Hill sued by plus sized model for breaking her leg in a football drill with ‘crushing force’ after she humiliated him in a previous rep. That’s what happens when you step between the white lines, girlie pop.

Sorry Jets fans, but Davante Adams will NOT be traded from Las Vegas. That fucking stinks.

NBA: Insane ending to Cavs-Mavs last night, as Max Strauss makes frantic, nearly full court heave at the buzzer to help the Cavs fend off a 45 point Luka game. Madness.

Wemby had some insanely stupid highlights, including a step-back 3 and an (almost) self-lob. He reminds me of myself playing with my 8 year old cousins in the backyard. That’s high praise.

Jacob Toppin says he had a crazy dunk planned for the Dunk Contest finals. Cool bro. I did too but no one asked me. Better luck next year.

NCCAB: Three buzzer beaters last night, including 2 half courters. THIS IS (ALMOST) MARCH.

GOLF: THIS LEAGUE. Tiger is ignoring Jon Rahm’s texts after he moved to LIV. If he pretended to be a call girl, he’d get a response ASAP.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

I aspire to one day have the confidence of Bradley Cooper crying to Leonard Bernstein’s kids about how much he misses him, despite never meeting him.

Stop making fun of this girl who broke down in tears hearing Taylor Swift’s song “Exile.” This is exactly how I react when I hear Crazy Frog by Axel F.

A woman loses $800k from injury lawsuit after photos emerge from her winning a Christmas tree throwing competition. That’s absolutely worth it.

New AI will allow you to smell video games and we need this for the next GTA game. Desperately want a sniff of them ladies (respectfully.)

NEW YOUTUBE SERIES JUST DROPPED

Move over Hot Ones. There’s a new eating based interview series on YouTube, led by our very own Willy D. The first guest: the one and only Royce du Pont.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The Magic Dick Theory holds true for pretty much all sci-fi.

• Do you like free shit? Same here. That’s why I always toss on the Almost Friday channel on SlingTV or FreeVee.

• TBT to the time that Kevin Love boxed out a sumo wrestler for sports science. I miss that show so much 😔

• This young man has converted me to a full time farm content consumer. Just a guy being a dude.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Disney Adult Industrial Complex.