The Daily Friday: Wednesday 3/13

1. Princess Kate conspiracies have exploded online amid her ongoing absence. She’s probably just filming Season 3 of Traitors guys, chill.

2. Bill to ban Tik-Tok will be voted on today and I hope it passes. Once I eliminate 7 hours of scrolling that app from my day, I’ll probably have time to go to the moon or at least finish a book for the first time in 3 years.

3. Aaron Rodgers tops RFK Jr.’s shortlist for Vice President. If they win, would that make Pat McAfee the WH Press Secretary? As long as Zach Wilson is as close to power as possible, I’m happy.

4. Air BnB bans security cameras, which sucks. I’ve been booking houses in Hollywood and performing the entirety of Coach Carter in hopes that a casting director/AirBnb host is watching on a Nest cam. Now I’ll never get discovered.

5. Boeing is shady as fuck. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

BOEING IS BEING SHADY

To slightly paraphrase Samuel L. Jackson from the 20006 classic Snakes on a Plane: “I’m so motherfucking sick of these motherfucking executives from this motherfucking corrupt plane organization.”

It’s been a tough week for Boeing, who saw their stock plummet, multiple planes fail mid flight and their beloved employee-turned-whistleblower die under mysterious circumstances right before giving testimony against them. All while fending off an investigation from the DOJ. Man, I hate when bad things happen to worse people.

LET’S BREAK IT ALL DOWN

• On Saturday, a former employee turned whistleblower was found dead in his car from a ‘self-inflicted gun wound.’ Rightttt. Very believable. At least Boeing’s head lawyer isn’t directly tied to Jeffrey Epstein right? Oh wait, he is.

• After the doors blew off on an Alaska Airlines plane in January, FAA investigations on the Boeing 737 show that the plane failed 33 of 89 safety tests, with 97 (!) examples of non compliance. That’s pretty not good! Even the people who build the planes wouldn’t fly them.

• Just this week, over 50 people were injured after another Boeing plane plummeted out of the sky on a LATAM flight and ANOTHER plane’s engine caught on fire and was forced to emergency land. I’m honestly jealous of people on these flights - if that happened to me, I wouldn’t shut up about it for weeks.

• If you have money to invest, first off…congratulations. What’s that like? Second off, pour that into Boeing’s top rival AirBus, who saw their stock jump and is poised to capitalize on Boeing’s mistakes.

Maybe this will be the final push we need to finally get bullet trains in this country. It’s the easiest way to get from one Margaritaville to another.

THIS IS MARCH

This is the perfect shirt to rock at an overcrowded bar while your alma mater loses by 20+ points and you lose your life savings on an ill-advised parlay. Don’t worry, you can use DAILYFRIDAY20 for a special treat. You’ll need it.

PS - this hoodie is also sick. Get that too. Ok, cool. Back to the news.

NFL: RBs were on the move yesterday, as Derrick Henry heads to the Ravens, Vikings scoop up Aaron Jones, and Joe Mixon gets traded to the Texans. What a massive blow to the zero-RB fantasy nerds. 

Keep track of all the moves here, so you can break the news to the fellas. Greatest feeling in the world.

NCAAB: Wagner wins NEC conference with just 7 players on their team (including the QB from their football team that they convinced to play.) If they can pull this off, you can win your 9th straight game of pong even though you can’t see straight.

MLB: Yankees can’t stay healthy, as Gerrit Cole will miss Opening Day start and Aaron Judge forced to get an MRI for his abs. Judging by Kate Middleton’s abdominal surgery recovery timeline, Judge is probably dead.

At least the Yankees don’t have to deal with Aroldis Chapman anymore.

NHL: Rangers rookie Matt Rempe has been suspended for 4 games for elbowing Devils’ player. That’s 4 fights, 2 ejections and one suspension in just 10 career games. Legend.

NBA: Makes me feel better that the Kobe Bryant statue was riddled with typos and mistakes. Glad I’m not the only one.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Man from a 2,000 person all-nude cruise reports that 60% of the passengers were unattractive and elderly. So, exactly my type.

Community notes is the last line of defense our nation has against harmful misinformation campaigns around Sydney Sweeney and this guy being rich.

We almost had a Harambe Part 2 on our hands after a zookeeper got caught in a gorilla enclosure in Fort Worth. Maybe this will fix the timeline?

SCARED AND IMPAIRED

This is the ideal video to watch on your laptop today while you enjoy a $19 bowl of grain slop from a fast casual restaurant on your lunch break. You deserve a little treat.

While you’re at it, go ahead and subscribe to the Friday Beers YouTube.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Happy Spring Break to all, including my 28 year old roommate, who begged his 19 year old brother to let him come to PCB for one last hurrah.

• Give this Ringer NFL draft big board a read and sound smart at your next pregame. The fellas are gonna think I’m Todd Freaking McShay.

• Blew my mind that the music from the Titanic portrait scene was James Cameron playing the piano and included by accident.

• This absurd story is exactly why you should never trust IT guys. Feel like this has gotta be a crime right?

• Read this on your lunch break: The Price of a Childhood Turned into Content. Mommy vloggers should be jailed.

• It’s come to my attention that some of you are not watching the Almost Friday FAST channel on FreeVee. I’m sure that’s a mistake, so I’m linking to it here so you can rectify that as soon as possible.