The Daily Friday: Wednesday 3/20

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1. Trump cannot pay $454 million bond, needs 6 days to find the money or lose his assets. One epic bake sale could do the trick. Life is a Hallmark movie right?

2. Joann’s Fabric files for bankruptcy amid decline in crafting. Please give your aunt some space today. They’re grieving and need to be alone with their cats.

3. Travis Kelce in line to host Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader reboot for Prime. My man is gonna finally learn long division.

4. James Bond role reportedly offered to Aaron Taylor Johnson, star of Avengers: Age of Ultron. I’m sorry, was Mr. Bean not available?

5. MegaMillions jackpot up to $977 million for Friday’s drawing. With inflation, that won’t even buy you 977 million Arizona Iced Teas 😔 

FOLLOW THE HORNY

Thank you to Glue Guy for bringing this horny little trend to my attention. The Longwood Lancers are the clear bet to win Friday (longwood = long penis and lancer = what you do to pimples before sex) and that can’t be questioned.

However, I’m not just satisfied with one betting win. Not because I’m greedy, but because I technically gambled my dad’s life insurance policy away to the Serbian mob and need to come up with 11 grand by April 1st. Such is life.

Here are some other horny teams I’m betting on to go far this year.

1. #15 South Dakota State Jackrabbits: If you don’t know what a Jackrabbit is, just ask your girlfriend. She keeps one in her bedside table and uses it after you give her the ol’ “2 pump and pass out.”

2. #14 Morehead State: The only thing better than head…is more head (as long as I have at least 3 hours to bounce back physically and lots of encouragement)….AMIRIGHT FELLAS???

3. #10 Drake Bulldogs: I mean, the man collects and organizes bras. And we’ve all seen the video. Drake is horny as fuck.

4. All Cougar Mascots (BYU, Washington State, Houston, Charleston): Cougar is just a polite word for MILF. Sidenote: I firmly believe that Lisa Ann should be a Sister Jean type figure for one of these schools. Let’s organize a competition to see which program gets her services.

5. #4 Alabama Crimson Tide: depending on the time of the month, this could be relevant. Sorry, but it’s true.

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NCAAB: Virginia completely shits the bed in play-in-game, scores just 42 points in loss to Colorado State. Justice for Seton Hall.

A stunning ending to Wagner-Howard saves us from a total flop of play-in action, as Wagner advances with just 7 active players. Let’s ride.

Kansas’s Kevin McCullar, a first team All Big 12 guard, will miss tournament, so don’t forget to update your Survivor Pool.

PS - If you haven’t joined Dr. Locks and Glue Guy’s $27k Survivor Pool, get off you ass and do so. Before I make you.

NFL: Jets sign WR Mike Williams, thanks to the Taylor Ham Egg and Cheese heard round the world. Welcome to God’s country (New Jersey.)

MLB: Shohei gets his own logo from New Balance, and honestly it kind of stinks. The man is known for pitching and hitting and you show him running?

NBA: Anthony Edwards had the dunk of the century on Monday night, adding to his already iconic highlight reel of in-game dunks in his career.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Dunkin’ drops new Short King coffee for all the lil pipsqueaks. Perfect drink to order while standing on your tippy toes so you can see over the counter.

Organizer of the Wonka experiment in Glasgow says the experience ruined his life and he is ‘sick to his tummy.’ That sucks, but please don’t use the word tummy in serious situation like this. I kinda get why your girlfriend bailed now.

New get rich quick scheme: get pregnant, go to a Drake show, make a cool sign and have him give me $25k like this fan. Should be simple enough.

60 for $60, McDONALDS EDITION

Another fantastic interview by William D. One small note: I love you Beavo, but Filet-o-Fish is a crazy selection. Fast food fish should only be done by the heroes at Long John Silvers. Other than that, 10/10 performance.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Early candidate for drip of the year? The Green Goblin. 

• This thread of best March Madness moments is pure chills.

• Watch all the Dan Schneider documentary on HBO if you can, but make sure you at least check out this Drake Bell interview. Shit is fucked.

• Don Lemon interviewed Elon Musk and failed to ask Elon if he had a ketamine hookup for the postgame like I asked him to. Bad journalist.

• Read this on your lunch break: The All-American Father.