The Daily Friday: Wednesday 3/6

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1. Nikki Haley drops out of Presidential race, as Trump and Biden dominate Super Tuesday primaries. If she could scratch her balls, she’d have a shot.

2. Bitcoin hits an all-time high for the first time since November 2021. Time to start being nice to the most annoying person you know again.

3. Instagram was down for 2 hours yesterday. What a waste. In that time, I could’ve responded 🔥 or HUMMINA HUMMINA to almost 100 Instagram stories from hot girls I’ve never spoken to in person.

4. Jeff Bezos surpasses Elon Musk as richest man alive, currently worth $198 billion. He could buy everyone on Earth half-priced Applebees apps to share with a friend, but refuses. Capitalism sucks.

5. An Air Force employee gave classified Ukrainian war intel to a woman he met on a dating website. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

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TRAITOROUSLY HORNY AIR FORCE EMPLOYEE

There’s horny, and then there’s 63 year old Air Force employee David Slater, who gave classified information about the Ukraine war to a “woman” he was “dating” on an online website. Thank god Manti T’eo wasn’t in the Army or we never would have caught Bin Laden.

Mr. Slater is currently facing a decade in prison and $250k in fines for the simple crime of trying to find love. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

Who is This Guy? Slater retired from the Army in 2020 as a colonel (this is pronounced Kernel btw) before taking a civilian job at the US Strategic Command overseeing our nuclear arsenal. That would look fire on a LinkedIn, not gonna lie.

What Did He Know? As part of his job, Slater was involved in secret meetings involving the US response to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. He was privy to information about troop movement, military capabilities and US targets.

As someone who’s only been in meetings about how to make rich shareholders even richer, this is actually legit as fuck.

Who is This “Girlfriend”? During the beginning of 2022, Slater found love in the most natural place: with a Ukrainian woman on a foreign dating website. From there, they struck up a romance based on intimacy, mutual respect…and classified intel about the US Army.

What Did He Tell Her?: Let’s break down some of the text messages from his definitely real girlfriend.

“By the way, you were the first to tell me that NATO members are traveling by train….you are my secret informant love!”

Secret informant lover is just a pet name, ok guys? It’s ok for Jett to call his girl Pookie, but this Ukrainian woman can’t call her boo whatever she wants? Grow up.

“Beloved Dave, do NATO and Biden have a secret plan to help us?”

This is classic dating app banter. Once you talk about how many siblings you have, fun hobbies and your love for travel, it’s time to dive into the important stuff: highly classified international treaty information.

“Sweet Dave, the supply of weapons is completely classified, which is great!”

Pro Tip: any time you are getting called Beloved and Sweet, this is most likely a 55 year old foreign man pretending to be a woman and trying to get something from you. Learned this the hard way on OnlyFans.

“Dave, I hope tomorrow NATO will prepare a very unpleasant ‘surprise’ for Putin. Will you tell me???”

I would cave to this too, not gonna lie. I am very bad at keeping secrets, especially from foreign women I meet online.

Honestly, the government should make the TV show Catfish required viewing for every man, woman and child in this nation.

Get on it, Biden. You’ll probably fall for this shit too.

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NBA: Guys, can we all agree to vote for Zion next All-Star voting? He’s agreed to do the dunk contest if he makes the team. We need this.

NCCAB: Wild finishes in conference tourney play, as this buzzer beater from Old Dominion got waived off while this North Texas shot stood. MADNESS.

Dartmouth basketball votes to unionize, a move that could have ripple effects across the entire NCAA and NIL landscape. Thank you nerds 🤝 

NFL: Broncos country, let’s ride…off into the sunset. Russel Wilson cut from Denver after 2 years, costing the team $85 million to get rid of him.

Seahawks cut blitz boy Jamal Adams, and the Jets win a trade for the first time in history. God is a Jets fan (no he is not.)

NCAAF: Arch Manning won’t be participating in NCAAF video game, so he can focus on the season, which I actually get. If I was in a video game, I’d just play as myself for hours every night and never sleep. Smart move.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

2024’s horniest promo goes to this Dune ad, which made me not want to see the movie. I am not sexually competent enough to handle a threesome with these two.

Charlotte the Stingray is pregnant despite never being near a male stingray. Immaculate conceptions are actually pretty common: my girlfriend and I have never had sex, yet she recently had a baby that looked exactly like my landlord.

Bowflex files for bankruptcy, which is how I learned Bowflex was still in business. Genuinely thought these machines would help me suck my own schlong when I was 12.

HQ TRIVIA GUY SUCKS DOWN $60 OF PANDA EXPRESS

60 for 60 is my new favorite YouTube interview show and it’s not even close. Shoutout to the team for this one - impeccably researched as always. New episodes drop every Tuesday on the Friday Beers YouTube.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• The world’s best holiday (St. Paddy’s Day) is right around the corner so get off your ass and order some of our top of the line apparel while you still can. Use DAILYFRIDAY20 for a special treat.

• We learned the hard way: the Dune popcorn buckets are NOT returnable, even if you’ve already done your business and don’t need it anymore. Fucked up.

• Some pretty terrible revelations are already coming out from Drake Bell ahead of the upcoming Nickelodeon doc, Quiet on Set.

• This edit by the Celtics social media team went crazy hard. Fuck the Celtics but still…respect.

• The product placements in these Chilean Star Wars made for TV edits from 2003 are remarkable. Seamless.

• Read this on your lunch break: The Hot New Luxury for the Ultra Rich? Air.