The Daily Friday: Wednesday 4/19

4/20 is tomorrow. If JFK can burn down as a sitting president, you can rip one in the middle of the work day. Tell your boss I said it was ok.

WEDNESDAY HERO

I’m just gonna say it…this is definitely not the same kid. Something very sinister is afoot and I don’t like it one bit.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE ECONOMY

Everyone needs to ask for a raise right this second. According to Bloomberg, $100k is the current poverty line.

My initial thoughts:

• Wait, so $100k is less than $100k no matter where you live? I regret majoring in marketing every day of my life because I understand this 0% and still have no idea how to use Excel.

   

• Is there any reason to live in Washington, DC? I can’t tell you one thing about it besides politicians live there (stinky) and the flowers are nice for like 3 weeks a year. Pass.

• I don’t care how expensive Honolulu is. I would live there in a second. Especially if I could chill with Lilo’s thicc older sister (underrated baddie) and her boyfriend David (actually a really sweet dude.)

• St. Louis just catapulted itself to the top of my “Places to Look at Houses on Zillow” list. Sexy arch, Anheuser Busch brewery, dope baseball stadium AND affordable? Done.

• Respect to Texas for their tax rate but 7 cities is just way too many cities to have, like in general. Every state gets 3 cities, max. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them.

Gotta feel for Glue Guy this month – poor kid is working his fingers to the bone with all that’s going on in the sports world. Here’s what you might have missed.

NBA: In Sacramento, Draymond went full heel and got suspended. Jarret Allen tried to kill Julius Randle (the man has a child, for God’s sake.) Chris Paul finally vanquished his greatest nemesis, NBA referee Scott Foster.

NHL: Edmonton fans are already not happy. The Empty Netters boys were pivotal to the Frank Ocean ice-skating scandal. The Kraken won their playoff debut and we’re in full blown buzzer scrum mode in Vegas.

MLB: No one showed up to the Tigers game yesterday. Are more rule changes coming? Red Sox had maybe the weirdest walk off ever #MLBRigged

NFL: Jalen Hurts is so rich he can live in Hawaii and UberEats every meal. Damar Hamlin confirmed faked his injury. Antonio Brown is mad at Tom Brady but it’s nothing a kiss on the lips can’t fix.

DID PEOPLE FORGET HOW TO BEHAVE ON PLANES?

People are acting OUT on planes this week and I’ve had enough.

On Monday, MLB pitcher Anthony Bass went viral for his tweet about a flight attendant making his pregnant wife clean up a popcorn mess from their young children. Controversial stuff. The big question for me though: when did they start serving popcorn on planes? That’s elite.

Then yesterday, a grown man went fully ballistic on a baby, asking if “that motherfucker paid extra to cry,” eventually forcing the plane to re-route.

I firmly believe that babies should fly under the plane with the rest of the luggage, but can this dude just pay $6 for headphones and crank up the volume on a completely contextless Season 3 episode of The Goldbergs on in-flight entertainment like the rest of us?

Ask OBJ - anytime a plane has to re-route because of you, you are the asshole.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Gov. DeSantis might build a prison next to Disney World, finally making it easier to lock up every single Disney adult on the planet.

• America’s top liar George Santos says he’s running for re-election. Sure, man. I’ll believe it when I see it. See you at the Volleyball Hall of Fame induction.

• Update: I am organizing a company outing to Italy to help local authorities with some light citizen arresting / asset seizure after a shitload of cocaine was found off the Sicilian coastline. This counts as community service hours.

• Dust off the screenplay idea that you and your boys came up with at 2 am. Hollywood writers are striking and this is your shot to go full Shane Falco.

LEAST IMPRESSIVE ATHLETIC FEAT OF THE WEEK

I don’t care how many he did. These are simply not pushups. I could easily do this, I just chose not to because I have a ton of important other stuff going on. Stick to accounting and leave fitness to the newsletter writers, ok buddy boy?

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Can’t believe that shirt was only $50. Absolute steal.

In 2013, Colorado had to change the mile markers to say 419.99 because people kept stealing all the 420 ones. Honestly, a 419.99 sign is arguably even sicker than 420. Steal away.

Two more days….Almost There….Keep Pushing…n