The Daily Friday: Wednesday 4/24

1. Senate passes foreign aid package that could lead to Tik-Tok ban. Just 18 Senators opposed, including Bernie Sanders, who probably just wants to go viral one more time.

2. Reggie Bush gets his 2005 Heisman reinstated due to ‘enormous changes in college football landscape.’ Now give back Pete Rose’s Hall of Fame spot, Pitino’s Louisville title, and Jontay Porter’s NBA career.

3. National Enquirer CEO testifies to helping Trump suppress stories and purchase silence from a doorman. If Trump goes to jail, his Secret Service would join him, which is a sitcom I’d absolutely watch.

4. Megan Thee Stallion’s videographer claims he was forced to watch her have sex with a female rapper. I volunteer to go undercover so we catch her in the act this time. Could take years but I’m ok with that.

5. A 9 year old boy is Europe’s best seagull squawker. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

THE BOY WHO CRIED SEAGULL

Once in a century, a child prodigy comes around that changes the world forever. Mozart. Bobby Fischer. Dylan and Cole Sprouse.

It’s time to add a new name to that list…Seagull Boy.

Better known by his government name of Cooper, Seagull Boy is a 9 year old who won Europe’s most prestigious (and only) seagull squawking competition last week.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• Cooper hails from Britain (failure of a country that we demolished in a war 250 years ago) and won the junior competition judged by “a jury composed of professionals experienced in gull research and/or policy,” a group of people who undoubtedly get laid all the time.

• According to his mom, he was bit by a seagull while eating a tuna fish sandwich and became obsessed with the bird, adopting a “Seagull Boy” persona. So basically Peter Parker but way cooler and less dramatic about his uncle dying (get over it bro, now offense.)

• His total score of 92 out of 100 was the highest across all age groups, including the adult bracket which had a high score of 87. It’s already embarrassing enough to compete in this competition, but to lose to a child? You gotta hang up the squawk at the point.

Having reached such extraordinary heights at such a young age, it begs the important questions - where does Cooper go from here?

Does he keep dominating the seagull division? See if his game translates to hog calling? Transition into Seagull Man and retreat from human society to live with the seagulls like Tarzan? Get a pill problem and sick tattoos like other child stars?

The hard truth is, we don’t know. But one thing is for certain: he’ll always have the 2024 European Championship Gull Screeching Event in De Panne, Belgium. And no one can take that from him.

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NBA: Props to the fan who ate a punch from Nikola Jokic’s brother. The NBA should ban Jokic for the rest of the series to send a message. It would mean a lot to those of us who have Lakers’ futures 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

Congrats to Tyrese Maxey for winning NBA’s Most Improved Player award. Only 2 more games until the Sixers get swept and he can celebrate properly.

Playoff round up: Mavs hold off Clippers thanks to late Luka dagger, Wolves take 2-0 lead over Suns, and Pacers even series with Bucks thanks to 37 from Pascal (big fan of his triangle formula.)

NHL: You will go your whole life and never find a better save than this one from Bobrovsky. And that’s a promise.

Playoff round-up: Rangers go up 2-0 on Caps, Panthers win in OT, Avalanche tie series at 1 after 4-0 run in 2nd period, and Preds hammer Canucks to knot series at 1.

MLB: Shohei crushes a 450 foot home run in the pouring rain. Absolute madness he is doing this while recovering from Tommy John.

WNBA: Insane Caitlin Clark stat of the day: on draft day alone, her Indiana Fever jersey sales outsold the entire Dallas Cowboys roster from last year. SHEESH.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Big brain move from this Costco shopper, who bravely sacrifices his own chest to protect his beloved chicken from LED during checkout. Savvy.

DUI charges dropped for a man with condition that brews food into alcohol in his stomach. Free beer for life…this may be the final stage of evolution.

Thoughts and prayers to the dude with Britain’s largest penis, which is so big he’s barred from yoga and finds sex ‘painful and uncomfortable.’ I have these same issues with America’s most mangled penis, so I completely get it.

HUMP DAY HERO

Vote on which person from today’s news is most deserving of the coveted title of…Hump Day Hero. Congrats to last week’s hero, Davis Clarke, who bravely shat himself while finishing a marathon.

JACK MARTIN EATS HIS BODY WEIGHT IN CHIPOTLE

Very much enjoyed this interview by Will Angus’s body double. Extremely bold choice to pick Chipotle here, but no one ever said greatness was easy.

Watch Willy and Jack talk turning Tik-Tok into a full blown acting career, the joys of trumpeting and how cod can stink an apartment to high heaven. Enjoy.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• Just a reminder that this guy’s life is not depressing, it is the dream. There is nothing wrong with having a good job that ends at 5 pm and gives you time with your loved ones. Not everyone can be a DJ.

• Few things go harder than Glorb Spongebob. The only acceptable use of AI.

• Found my new dream neighbors and it’s these New Yorkers that rehabilitate pigeons, possums, and other wildlife in their apartments.

• Not sure which Scottie video is crazier, the one where he predicts his yardages with 100% accuracy or this story from Romo. Not human.

• Read this on your lunch break: the hidden history of Cold War era adoptions in the US.

• No one has ever gotten more laid than these guys. Chills.