The Daily Friday: Wednesday 4/3

1. Google will delete billions of Incognito search record following lawsuit. I’m personally responsible for half of these searches and they’re all Meatspin related. Can you please delete them faster?

2. Taylor Swift among 141 new billionaires in 2023, in what was called ‘an amazing year for rich people.’ Thank god rich people finally got a win.

3. Amazon Fresh virtual checkout ends, exposed as not ‘automated’ but reliant on people in India watching live video feeds to ensure accuracy. Impractical Jokers should hire them and launch a spin-off.

4. Chinese gaming exec sentenced to death for murdering producer of Netflix’s 3 Body Problem and attempting to poison two more. Dude took the title of the show a little too seriously. It happens.

5. We’re about to have a solar eclipse for the ages. LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

THE ECLIPSE IS COMING

On Monday, a solar eclipse will be visible to 99% of people in the US (not the prisoners) for 4 minutes and 28 seconds.

Though it’s our third eclipse in 8 years, this one will be the biggest and last the longest (shoutout Viagra) and will be our last eclipse until 2045. Make it count.

LET’S BREAK IT DOWN.

• When the eclipse occurs, those in the path of totality will be plunged into total darkness for several minutes. Will they come out of the darkness wanting to play for the Jets or is that just an Aaron Rodgers thing?

• If you’re outside the path, you’ll be still be able to see the moon pass in front of the sun, though you’ll want to rock some eclipse glasses. Unless of course there are chicks watching. Then the eclipse is little bitch and no match for your retinas. Better to be blind than weak, boys.

• Tourism to the areas in the path of totality is expected to be massive, bringing in estimated $1.6 billion in revenue while causing massive traffic jams in cities. This is the perfect time to rob a bank. While the rest of you are staring at the sky, I’ll be creating generational wealth.

• You might be thinking, “hey didn’t this same shit just happen like 7 years ago?” Yes, it die (and led to a top 5 Trump pic) but this year’s will cover twice as much ground and last 2 minutes longer, which is a bit deal. 2 minutes can feel like a lifetime. Ask anyone of the 4 women I’ve slept with.

After the eclipse, it’ll be time to shift our focus to the arrival of a double brood of cicadas in a few weeks. Massive bug uprising and an extended darkness event? Bring on the frogs, river of blood and boils. I’m ready.

NFL: Stefon Diggs traded to the Texans in exchange for a second round pick. Holy fuck.

MLB: Look, if you play for the White Sox, you just can’t let this picture happen. Not when you’re having a historically terrible season already.

Bryce Harper caps off a hat trick with a grand slam. Baseball is so back.

Sorry but I don’t feel bad that Aaron Judge has a big strike zone. This is what you get for being 6’8, you fucking dick. Be 5’11 and ¾ like a real man.

NBA: How in God’s name did Jokic make this pass? Go ride your horses bro, basketball is clearly not challenging enough for you.

I stopped playing competitive basketball in 8th grade and haven’t lifted a weight in 11 months but always secretly believed I could still make the NBA. Until I saw this Jalen Green play and realized: it’s time to give up the dream.

COLLEGE BASKETBALL: Monday’s Iowa-LSU women’s game was viewed by 12 MILLION people on ESPN, more than any college game (men’s or women’s) ever. Sucks that that many people were subjected to that Buffalo WIld Wings boxing out commercial.

Bronny is reportedly transferring from USC. If he had any balls, he’d go to Blue Mountain State and play WR. Thad wouldn’t haze him too hard.

NHL: The playoffs are heating up and if you haven’t paid attention this season (hand up) it’s time to catch up with the Empty Netters fellas and be ready for Cup SZN.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

Do not let Bill Nye around your girl. America’s most fuckable scientist (sorry Neil DeGrasse Tyson) is dripped the fuck out in most recent photoshoot.

Donda employee claims Kanye threatened to punch him before abruptly changing tone, mimicking Super Mario's victory dance and saying, ‘I'm gonna give you one more chance. Another life!’ That’s not harassment. That’s hilarious.

Fuck a $5 footlong, it’s time for “6 inches, 6 bucks.” It’s nice for the 6 inch community to get visibility. My wife’s boyfriend will be pleased.

Guy like me would’ve let this buzzsaw hit me, been totally fine and made millions in a lawsuit settlement, but I guess I’m just built different 🤷‍♂️

NEW RUSTY TRAVEL SHOW ALERT

The next Anthony Bourdain has finally arrived. I watched this about 2.5 times yesterday, because 1) it put me in a great mood 2) it was masterfully shot, edited and produced 3) I wanted to hear the dude say Bleeding Cum again.

Shoutout to the Friday Beers YouTube team for an electric start to the year. New bangers every Tuesday. Subscribe now.

STUFF TO CLICK WHEN YOU’RE BORED TODAY

• You made it to Wednesday. You deserve to sit your ass at home, pop a Sunday Scaries gummy, and watch Planet Earth until you pass out.

• Few things go harder than this Dune x Succession edit. Where do people find time for this shit?

• What it’s like to nearly die drowning and live to tell the tale. Nightmare fuel.

• Can’t believe it’s been 5 years since Tiger won the Masters. Celebrate with this electric behind the scenes footage of the CBS broadcast.

• We have officially found the softest man alive. Et tu Brute?

• Read this on your lunch break: how the heartbreak in Jrue Holiday’s life prepared him for an offseason of change.