The Daily Friday: Wednesday 5/10

AI Pope is a true Big Guard. Strong finisher. Matchup nightmare down low. Defends all 5 positions. The kind of X-Factor that can swing any playoff series.

• Fruit Roll-Up Fiasco

• #FreeBulla

• Universe Fact

• Tour de Internet: NHL rigged, Lonnie carries Bron, spaghetti boloknees

• Red Flags Pod

• Mother’s Day Fact (it’s Sunday)

FRUIT ROLL-UP FIASCO

Yesterday, American tourists were caught smuggling 650 pounds of Fruit Roll Ups into Israel. I honestly don’t see the issue here. I never went to smuggling lawyer school but this can’t actually be a crime right?

The real crime? They picked Fruit Roll Ups to smuggle. That’s kinda gross. Fruit Roll Ups are way too chewy, get stuck in your teeth and make your tongue and/or poop red. Also I bet half of them melted in that suitcase.

They should’ve smuggled Dunkaroos. That’s material for real hustlers.

#FREEBULLA

This could start World War III.

On Monday, wildly successful UFC star and young prince of the Internet Hasbulla was arrested in his hometown of Dagestan, Russia. The “crime”? Ripping donuts in the street like an absolute baller after his friend’s wedding. Check out the tape: it’s some Dominic Toretto type shit.

This is easily the worst thing the Russian government has ever done. I have booked a one-way ticket to Dagestan to extradite him, either through cunning scheme, sheer brute strength, or seduction. I haven’t fully decided yet, but I expect everyone on this email chain to join me either way.

Some people are just above the law. The sooner you accept that, the easier life will become. #FreeBulla.

HOW IS THIS REAL?

This is wild. I thought the Earth was flat so this is two big pieces of information coming at me today. We are living in a simulation and you can’t convince me otherwise.

Now that we’ve covered one universal language (math facts about the solar system) let’s touch the other: sports.

NBA: Gary Payton II is the puke and rally god. The Lakers are Lonnie Walker’s team now: Lebron still needs a super team to win. The Knicks are on their last leg, but could Giannis be coming their way next year? The Celtics stink on ice.

NHL: Is the Lottery rigged? Devils no-show against Carolina and are on the brink. Maple Leafs stare down elimination tonight in Florida.

MLB: Noah Syndergard is hoping hypnosis can cure his shittiness this year. This would explode my testicles, no doubt about it. A’s rookie Jordan Diaz hit 3 HRs at Yankee Stadium.

OTHER: Andrew Luck has been retired for years and teams are still trying to sign him. Messi could be on the move to a Saudi rival. F1 has grown 4x in value in 4 years. Wild.

WHAT ELSE IS GOOD

• Can’t tell who’s more fucked up here: the woman who stole 20 boxes of human body parts or the guy who bought them all for $10k. I’m also now realizing I have no concept of human body part pricing – is this a great deal or a massive rip off? Lmk.

• A woman survived in Australian wilderness for 5 days living off wine and lollipops, which honestly sounds like a fucking blast. Massive headache incoming though.

• This Spanish IG model made spaghetti bolognese out of her knee cartilage…would. More like spaghetti boloknees, amiright folks?

• I guess hustling is illegal now? A woman who wrote a grief book after her husband died has been charged with murdering her husband.

THIS ONE SLAPPED

Please welcome the newest addition to the Friday Beers cinematic universe - Red Flags Pod. To quote them, “These little sluts live for the drama of F1.” Throw them a follow if you have any sense in your brain.

Reminder that Mother’s Day is Sunday. Get your shit together boys.

Halfway to Friday. Keep pushing…